well its been a long time since i last had internet access, i was pregnant for a while then i lost it about 6 months back, i was just now previously found that i was 3 months preg again, so happy until this..you know...
you and so many other people....go through life in a sort of cloud that has its rainy days and its sunny days and it goes on and it seems as though nothing bad really will happen to you, sure there are the good and bad days but nothing really really bad ever happens to you right? it always happens to all those other people you hear about round school, on the news, from your friends who know some person or other involved etc... but then one day, your cloud is shattered and your left falling through a dark place you never knew even existed, lost and numb, and devoid of hope and light and reason to continue trying... that day, for me.... was yesterday.... I went to my doctors app. sceduled to hear the heartbeat for the first time, i was originally supposed to hear it one week prior but they said we had to rescedule cuz they couldnt find it. They assumed that because my uterus tilts backward that it just wasnt big enough yet to hear. I went in yesterday excited and scared but happy. I lay on the table and the midwife takes the sonor stick to listen for the heartbeat, she searched for about 10 minutes or so, and nothing... tears started to leak out of my eyes in worry. She left the room and sceduled me an emergency ultrasound... I go in and they turn the screen away from me, so only Chris, and the 2 midwives can see, I watch their faces, searching for some expression some sign that its okay i start praying to God with everything i have and clutching my hands together.....i see chris's face light up and for a moment i have hope...and then my cloud shatters......... the midwife looks to me and says " I'm sorry." " Theres no longer a heartbeat, it looks like your baby died in utero." I started screaming and crying and chris gets up and holds me, the midwives leave the room to give us some time and we just cry, i bawled harder than i thought imaginable and to see the tears slide down chris's silent face. to see him get down on his knees and hold my belly and tell the baby who can no longer hear him hes sorry it felt like a bad movie, a nightmare, and one i dont think ill ever wake up from .... just 2 weeks prior, our baby was almost fully formed , i could see its face, hands, feet, eyes, everything, its hard was pounding away and fluttering and the bbay was wiggling around and i was the happiest person ion the world, and when the midwives come back in they say judging from the measurements of the baby, its been passed away for over a week.. and my body is still thinking its pregnant, i have not bled i still get sick...So, now i have to cope with the fact that i am a walking grave in essence...I now have to have surgery this week to "let it go"...and im scared, and if i dont i could get very sick...im just so lost and afraid and just numb and dont knwo what to do right now.. i dont want to be alone but at the same time thats all i want... though i dont think i should be at the moment.. i cant go back to work for at least 2 weeks and im scared ill lose my job..they need me right now...i dont know.. i see no hope in anything anymore and i dont believe in God, not after that, i can find no sustenance in anything like that... i jsut hope that in time it will be okay... its just ironic that my first borns fathers bday wil forever be the reminder of the knowledge of this childs life. fucked up how shit gets timed in life isnt it?... I have chris and i have gareth and im glad i still have that.. thats the most important thing.. i just really wish that my cloud had been a little more stronger....
TODAY--
I had surgery yesterday, and i had to stay hospitalized for a while because i hemorraged and bleed so much, i was barely conscious most of the time, and i knew chris was near me, im coping with the fact now that i no longer have the baby i have been trying to have, im miserable and chris works every day until christmas, i feel so alone right now, but hes workin 6 days of overtime just so we can pay bills, we cant afford to get each other a single present, and im sad i cant get my son much, im just so fed up with the holidays this year, im sick, im tired, im scared, i wanted so much to make everything work. I want to do another SG set but i cant until i recover, and im not sure who i can get to shoot it, im broke, lol. Sigh... ive learned alot i jsut want to try again to see if ive learned enough to get out of HOPEFUL status, but who knows, there will always be those to criticize. i hope you all have a merry christmas,
TO DORSAL if you read this, i havent been on here since you had your baby, but i hope your chirstmas goes well, and i miss your sets, your a beautiful momma, and when i get more time i hope to catch up with ya.
you and so many other people....go through life in a sort of cloud that has its rainy days and its sunny days and it goes on and it seems as though nothing bad really will happen to you, sure there are the good and bad days but nothing really really bad ever happens to you right? it always happens to all those other people you hear about round school, on the news, from your friends who know some person or other involved etc... but then one day, your cloud is shattered and your left falling through a dark place you never knew even existed, lost and numb, and devoid of hope and light and reason to continue trying... that day, for me.... was yesterday.... I went to my doctors app. sceduled to hear the heartbeat for the first time, i was originally supposed to hear it one week prior but they said we had to rescedule cuz they couldnt find it. They assumed that because my uterus tilts backward that it just wasnt big enough yet to hear. I went in yesterday excited and scared but happy. I lay on the table and the midwife takes the sonor stick to listen for the heartbeat, she searched for about 10 minutes or so, and nothing... tears started to leak out of my eyes in worry. She left the room and sceduled me an emergency ultrasound... I go in and they turn the screen away from me, so only Chris, and the 2 midwives can see, I watch their faces, searching for some expression some sign that its okay i start praying to God with everything i have and clutching my hands together.....i see chris's face light up and for a moment i have hope...and then my cloud shatters......... the midwife looks to me and says " I'm sorry." " Theres no longer a heartbeat, it looks like your baby died in utero." I started screaming and crying and chris gets up and holds me, the midwives leave the room to give us some time and we just cry, i bawled harder than i thought imaginable and to see the tears slide down chris's silent face. to see him get down on his knees and hold my belly and tell the baby who can no longer hear him hes sorry it felt like a bad movie, a nightmare, and one i dont think ill ever wake up from .... just 2 weeks prior, our baby was almost fully formed , i could see its face, hands, feet, eyes, everything, its hard was pounding away and fluttering and the bbay was wiggling around and i was the happiest person ion the world, and when the midwives come back in they say judging from the measurements of the baby, its been passed away for over a week.. and my body is still thinking its pregnant, i have not bled i still get sick...So, now i have to cope with the fact that i am a walking grave in essence...I now have to have surgery this week to "let it go"...and im scared, and if i dont i could get very sick...im just so lost and afraid and just numb and dont knwo what to do right now.. i dont want to be alone but at the same time thats all i want... though i dont think i should be at the moment.. i cant go back to work for at least 2 weeks and im scared ill lose my job..they need me right now...i dont know.. i see no hope in anything anymore and i dont believe in God, not after that, i can find no sustenance in anything like that... i jsut hope that in time it will be okay... its just ironic that my first borns fathers bday wil forever be the reminder of the knowledge of this childs life. fucked up how shit gets timed in life isnt it?... I have chris and i have gareth and im glad i still have that.. thats the most important thing.. i just really wish that my cloud had been a little more stronger....
TODAY--
I had surgery yesterday, and i had to stay hospitalized for a while because i hemorraged and bleed so much, i was barely conscious most of the time, and i knew chris was near me, im coping with the fact now that i no longer have the baby i have been trying to have, im miserable and chris works every day until christmas, i feel so alone right now, but hes workin 6 days of overtime just so we can pay bills, we cant afford to get each other a single present, and im sad i cant get my son much, im just so fed up with the holidays this year, im sick, im tired, im scared, i wanted so much to make everything work. I want to do another SG set but i cant until i recover, and im not sure who i can get to shoot it, im broke, lol. Sigh... ive learned alot i jsut want to try again to see if ive learned enough to get out of HOPEFUL status, but who knows, there will always be those to criticize. i hope you all have a merry christmas,
TO DORSAL if you read this, i havent been on here since you had your baby, but i hope your chirstmas goes well, and i miss your sets, your a beautiful momma, and when i get more time i hope to catch up with ya.
candycrimson:
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Good times will come. Just keep looking ahead.
kevin82:
Wow Totally Hot Sexy and Beautiful...