Okay it's been awhile again I know but I have my reasons that I really do not want to get into now--I mean no offense to anyone but this the last place I have that isn't tainted by the reality of my life--As always I love all of you guys and soon I hope I will be in a better place....
This grief,you are the constant I can recall
You never leave me you are the torment between each breathe
And if I don't stand then I won't fall
As I crawl the thin edge of this knife, my life,cutting right through
Please never leave me alone
Maybe in your arms I'll finally find a home
But who am I kidding I'm just a wounded fool
And those that departed already knew
And damn them for giving me a taste
Of what it felt like not to be a waste
I am human to
Can no one see that I love,breathe,and bleed the same
And does no one have the courage to look me in the eyes
And love the flames
And fury as I fight to reclaim the shattered pieces of my soul
Take all of me if you dare
-----------------------EDIT---------------------------------------
It's 12:16 and I'm crying having just come back online--For those of you who read my journals I imagine you remember the one that was written about what happened to me in my youth but it was so matter of fact,almost cold not really passing on the terrible pain and grief that has broken my body,my mind,and my heart--Ohhh yes I'm sure that sounds overly dramatic but it doesn't even begin to encapsulate the actual experiences I was forced to endure,the years of sleepless nights,the bullies that saw "victim" stenciled on my forehead,the day all my friends left me,and the turned faces of my family even though they love me--What is it to be an outcast always on the fringe willing to die if just one person were to hold me and tell me "it's ok you can sleep now and never fear again"--The nights I cut myself because these wounds can't be seen they are only in the intent eyes of the soldier who battled for life but gave up the light and joy that make life bearable--But there are no medals for me,no honor that I survived,no acknowledgement,just guarded faces who do not want to believe in the darkness that is in all of us and so I weep even more now the screen a blur--You cannot know me if you don't know this--It has shaped me like hands on clay--It has scarred me like knives through soft skin--And it haunts me because I'm just "damaged",not a whole person as I have told by some--But here I am in naked honesty yelling to be heard that I am greater than the sum of my parts--I have a soul though I guard it carefully and it wasn't until I joined this site that I thought for once I could let the light in all the dark places in me and still be seen as someone with value,worth,someone worthy of being loved as much as I love others--Never have I lied to those who I call friends but it seems to scare so many others--All my life I lived a lie I was the perfect girl never to cause problems always there to take the world on my shoulders when those I loved faltered--But now I do not have the strength or fortitude and I'm on my knees hating and loathing that I AM damaged--I am not pretty nor am I bright every flaw glaringly obvious and the good so paltry in comparison I wonder at how much THEY took--I was just a sad sad child with dark brown eyes my innocence gone before it could impart to me the wonders and joys I desparately want to have for myself--You don't have to physically die to be dead--THEY reached in and pulled out the best parts of me.....still just a sad sad child who wanted to die before she faced the cold world alone--I'd have rather God or IT or whatever the fuck is supposed to have created us to take me away but no I learned real quick suffering is infinite inside and I am lost in the dark corridors of my mind...And all those years I kept quiet I was silently crying and dying inside screaming for help and no one could hear me--I never cried in front of others because that would only confirm what they already thought of me--A piece of nothing walking as fragile as a shell--I don't know where I go from here and I am so scared always scared...and so damn tired..I just want to sleep and never wake up..no more pain...no more fear...I have fought long enough haven't I?
More words...
As I look beyond the place I stand
For a moment I can hear the gasp of 6 billion souls
Calling to the endless skies with raised hands
"I was here and will always be, another star in the sky"
Burning brightly as infinite light because in death you do not die
And in the next moment the cry of new life,so small and fragile,mankinds saving grace
That of the bright eyes in an innocent face
Joy and wonder
Resonating with power rivaling storm and thunder
Original sin a bitter mans envy to inspire guilt
In the simple beauty of living and the pride of what we have built
But then the foundations of lost civilizations
When we closed our eyes to the degradations
Of those who would kill the miracle of humankinds greatest creation
Oh our children,little angels blessed with wings
Let them fly to touch the clouds and catch them when they come to ground
Like a seed that flowers into the majesty of a thousand trees
They are the truest and most worthy of beings
No end to what is at their command
This grief,you are the constant I can recall
You never leave me you are the torment between each breathe
And if I don't stand then I won't fall
As I crawl the thin edge of this knife, my life,cutting right through
Please never leave me alone
Maybe in your arms I'll finally find a home
But who am I kidding I'm just a wounded fool
And those that departed already knew
And damn them for giving me a taste
Of what it felt like not to be a waste
I am human to
Can no one see that I love,breathe,and bleed the same
And does no one have the courage to look me in the eyes
And love the flames
And fury as I fight to reclaim the shattered pieces of my soul
Take all of me if you dare
-----------------------EDIT---------------------------------------
It's 12:16 and I'm crying having just come back online--For those of you who read my journals I imagine you remember the one that was written about what happened to me in my youth but it was so matter of fact,almost cold not really passing on the terrible pain and grief that has broken my body,my mind,and my heart--Ohhh yes I'm sure that sounds overly dramatic but it doesn't even begin to encapsulate the actual experiences I was forced to endure,the years of sleepless nights,the bullies that saw "victim" stenciled on my forehead,the day all my friends left me,and the turned faces of my family even though they love me--What is it to be an outcast always on the fringe willing to die if just one person were to hold me and tell me "it's ok you can sleep now and never fear again"--The nights I cut myself because these wounds can't be seen they are only in the intent eyes of the soldier who battled for life but gave up the light and joy that make life bearable--But there are no medals for me,no honor that I survived,no acknowledgement,just guarded faces who do not want to believe in the darkness that is in all of us and so I weep even more now the screen a blur--You cannot know me if you don't know this--It has shaped me like hands on clay--It has scarred me like knives through soft skin--And it haunts me because I'm just "damaged",not a whole person as I have told by some--But here I am in naked honesty yelling to be heard that I am greater than the sum of my parts--I have a soul though I guard it carefully and it wasn't until I joined this site that I thought for once I could let the light in all the dark places in me and still be seen as someone with value,worth,someone worthy of being loved as much as I love others--Never have I lied to those who I call friends but it seems to scare so many others--All my life I lived a lie I was the perfect girl never to cause problems always there to take the world on my shoulders when those I loved faltered--But now I do not have the strength or fortitude and I'm on my knees hating and loathing that I AM damaged--I am not pretty nor am I bright every flaw glaringly obvious and the good so paltry in comparison I wonder at how much THEY took--I was just a sad sad child with dark brown eyes my innocence gone before it could impart to me the wonders and joys I desparately want to have for myself--You don't have to physically die to be dead--THEY reached in and pulled out the best parts of me.....still just a sad sad child who wanted to die before she faced the cold world alone--I'd have rather God or IT or whatever the fuck is supposed to have created us to take me away but no I learned real quick suffering is infinite inside and I am lost in the dark corridors of my mind...And all those years I kept quiet I was silently crying and dying inside screaming for help and no one could hear me--I never cried in front of others because that would only confirm what they already thought of me--A piece of nothing walking as fragile as a shell--I don't know where I go from here and I am so scared always scared...and so damn tired..I just want to sleep and never wake up..no more pain...no more fear...I have fought long enough haven't I?
More words...
As I look beyond the place I stand
For a moment I can hear the gasp of 6 billion souls
Calling to the endless skies with raised hands
"I was here and will always be, another star in the sky"
Burning brightly as infinite light because in death you do not die
And in the next moment the cry of new life,so small and fragile,mankinds saving grace
That of the bright eyes in an innocent face
Joy and wonder
Resonating with power rivaling storm and thunder
Original sin a bitter mans envy to inspire guilt
In the simple beauty of living and the pride of what we have built
But then the foundations of lost civilizations
When we closed our eyes to the degradations
Of those who would kill the miracle of humankinds greatest creation
Oh our children,little angels blessed with wings
Let them fly to touch the clouds and catch them when they come to ground
Like a seed that flowers into the majesty of a thousand trees
They are the truest and most worthy of beings
No end to what is at their command
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
You are someone with value, and someone worth being loved. I know it.