sorrowsjoy

Well here I am again with a much overdue update--Currently my brother is still hospitalized on the Oncology ward---He doesn't have cancer but an awsome nurse was able to get him on this floor because of their superb nurses and doctors--An amazing thing happened to him just a few days ago--A student who was having to write down case studies of various patients came and interviewed my brother for a couple of hours---About an hour later he returned and his hand he held a brand new Gameboy Advanced--He handed it to my brother and said "you need this more than I do" and then he left---My brother started to cry for no one had been so kind to him let alone a complete stranger--I cried as well because my brothers spirits had been so down and this gift was much needed and it was also a reminder of the goodness the world still has to offer when all you see on the news and out of the mouths of many is pain,hurt,scorn,contempt,ect...--Wow I'm feeling humbled because I have let to much of the bad inflict more of my own spirit then is healthy---Here at the homefront all of are nerves are a bit raw---when one of us hurts we all do *sigh*--This weekend is the first meeting of a support group for the GLBT community--it should prove to be interesting to say the least--Next week I start pool therapy for the Fibromyalgia--If you want to know what that is look it up haha---I have a rather severe case of amongst all the other diagnoses I have aquired lol---Like it's a contest lol---But sometimes I feel like I should be royalty for all the dysfunction I seem to exhibit --I must say I love this site, I have met some wonderful people and all the comments I received from my last journal was awsome--Thank you all --I am now also now seeing a new Psychologist---wait a NEURO Psychologist hahaha---wouldn't want to take away from her title since they are so important--I guess we are all guilty of that though--The need to be acknowledged is a powerful feeling and depending on what is being affirmed a good thing---Sometimes when I sit at the edge of my bed before I sleep I let the walls down and I feel the most peculair thing--Almost an out of body thing--I feel like a ghost disconnected from the world--hmmm maybe not so peculiar--And at the same time an agony of feeling to much at once---I spent so many years in the background of the world that to be part of it finally hurts so damn much even as it makes me feel an all encompassing joy---god the duality--Then I think of others who have been where I have and I feel the tragedy that we don't get them all back--Time must still march on--God now I'm rambling but hey if ya don't want to read it turn the channel hahaha ---I do know one thing though--I am fated to help and love others---I have soooo much to give and I do it because it is my path and even more importantly because I WANT to--No I'm not Ghandi but if I can even touch one life then it has been worth it---Well anyways here's a brand new poem I wrote---well more like vomited but that imagery is a bit gross hehe.



I am lost having wandered to far off the path
And the moon shines only to outline moving shadows
Terror squeezes my gut an all to familiar feeling
So I close my eyes and remain motionless in the silence

If I could run away from all the things I have done
Perhaps peace would wrap me in its armor
If I could understand why you chose me
Then I could sleep and escape all the repugnance of my past

But then in this landscape I hear a noise,muffled and obscure
My eyes snap open and I drop to my knees wary
And behind the soft wind I hear the breathe of ghosts
Moaning for those who took their lives and hopes

And in despair and realization I force my legs to move
Groping at the air I run fleeing from their anguished cries
No time to think why,why again am I here?
No time to think that my body is frail
As my legs propel me forward the ground sucking at my feet
As if to add me to it's grim retreat

But I follow the moons light for in its path
There must be some respite
An escape from this surreal world and my own inequities
My future is uncertain but the present claws at my back
The whispers growing louder my breathe growing slower and rattling in my chest-But then I fall my muscles twitching in apologetic sorrow
Begging for forgiveness

And I howl in helpless surrender
Feeling the lust and hate of the dead
And the fires of the place they will soon touch me with
And with a certain knowledge that I will never escape
I see in their smoldering eyes what I couldn't grasp
They were the shapes and voices of my past

So I let go, vision growing opaque
And in agony I fell into the arms of my own embrace



Lexi
FractalTelepathy@aol.com