sorrowsjoy

Hello all it's early in the morning and while I would usually be in bed my sleep cycle has been really off lately...not that I have a consistent one to begin with lol--but it has helped my writing for some reason...Perhaps being deleriously tired has a few perks. My little brother is in the hospital again and while this is a common thing since he was 17(he's 25 now) it always puts my family and I through hell..He has Crohn's disease an auto-immune disease of the entire digestive tract...and he's in that small percintile that has a rather agressive form of it *sigh*. I love him so much but watching something so insidious slowly destroy someone so brilliant and insightful grieves me...but at least he has his daughter..She's almost 3 now and when he looks at her I see something in his eyes that has been missing for so long..Hope and determination to live and fight if only for his little girl. Anyways my family is close unit and we would die for eachother...not because of obligation but because we value eachother more than our lives...No martyrs here. And as for getting a pic on this site I'm still waiting for my damn camera...it was supposed to be here a month ago...I certainly spent enough money for it to at least be here promptly....But to finish I'm working on my writing with more enthusiasm then ever before...Positive feedback and affirmation has done wonders to the poor feelings I have about myself...This April will mark 5 years now that I finally told the world and my family about the abuse I suffered as a child...My mother pulled out pictures of me as a child and I struggle to find the connection at the face staring back at me...I now have framed some of these pics and keep them at my bedside...I also have a large Dreamcatcher above my bed from when I grew up in NM...Being part Blackfoot Indian has marked my features but I have in earnest just begun exploring our ancestry...But half breeds are not welcome amongst the proud and secular Blackfoot tribe...Hmmm but I'm persistent if nothing else. Okay enough for now here is some more of my writings


I've fallen into this strange nightmare
Where the sun and moon are dead
And in this black hole lies
The manifestation of my consciousness

Groping,stumbling,only terror is born into the night
I resign myself to this consuming lonliness
For I cannot expect friendly intervention

Born to be hurt,left to live and suffer
I'd rather have died when I didn't understand
In peace and in rest cover me till I sleep
Acknowledge me,protect me,is that so obscene?

Forget your rules and impossible expectations
And just tell me I'm worth loving if even just myself
This mortal coil grows tiring the earth beckoning to me it's comfort
Old bones,forgotten exsistence,Ah such peace is my goal





Don't move don't breathe
because what you cannot see
Can see you,reflections of hunger
Shadows rising again converging,hate beading
On the brows of those who must rip,tear,and sunder

Oh god I can feel him like thin tendrils of terror,I am crushed
I cried out to you I screamed and begged I turned inside out
And like something corporeal I watched finally detached
So cold,so alone,let me die ohhhhh please let me die
No pain,no shame,but I dare you to remeber who called to who first

I called your name--and you never came
Where are my friends---all of them gone
No one to miss try to get out--watched the blood as it poured out
I will finally sleep and not even you can deny me
I cry on my knees I AM FINALLY FREE!!--I am going home the place I came from
And like a dead star I will always burn to remind you of what you have done



Weary eyes watching the world pass her by
So tired of the light burning my life
And in the dark I can weep silently
Just a solitary figure terrified of sleep

And in my dreams the shadows reign
Like a cruel king teaching me shame
He hands me a crown and scepter and whispers
"You can rule if only you've learned your lesson"

But I'm asleep a voice insists
You can fight just resist
And in an instant I scream "Give me a reprieve"
I've fought my whole life and all those I love just leave

And as slitted eyes slowly awake
My body shakes in sobbing relief
Just another day,a short respite
And with luck the shadowmonsters will avoid the light

Just like I do
What do I do!
I hide in shadows
Oh god! can I be seen?
My wish made true I'm invisible
I'm so sorry I couldn't be less fallible

And now I'm gone
Only whispers remain
Where I once belonged
A child again,bright and free,and never wronged



Lexi





FractalTelepathy@aol.com



Be still
Though chaos rains around you now
Only so much rain can fall at once
Breathe in
And let the air envelope you
And slow but sure, serenity will come

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Stand up
Though circumstance has knocked you down
There is nothing gained by staying within it's reach

Take strength
In every failure you endure
Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Destroy
These walls you've built around yourself
You can't take another step until they're gone

Move out
No use in dwelling in the past
Bid farewell to all your fears and carry on

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around