So, I am having to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents. My love will be coming with me. It is to help us with saving more money for the trip to Europe this summer. It is a fantastic deal and will be great I think, but at the same time it is really hard.
I am so stressed about pretty much everything right now... I need a job, and I'm trying to find a decent paying one that will work around my class schedule. It helps that I have class two days a week except for my kung fu classes on Tues. and Thurs, nights. Still, it isn't easy finding a job, and i have frequently run into problems since my main work experience is from movie sets, and most steady jobs don't know what to make of that. The truth is from my experience, any real world job is going to require a lot less of me than what I am used to giving and having expected of me on a set. Most places don't get that though.
School starts in a week, and that is a mixed thing for me. I am happy to be learning again, but at the same time, I am dealing with needing to get textbooks but not yet having the money, and I am worried about the possibility of my grades not doing so well again this semester, and even though I go to a good school, it really isn't the best one for me. I really need a small school, and Texas State just isn't that. It's been hard, because lately I keep thinking God I want to go to someplace like my sister's school. A place with 2000 students, and a president of the school that is so cool easy to meet and talk to that everyone on campus calls him by the short version of his first name (Morty in her school's case, rather than Mortimer or Mr. Blahdiblah). The students I've met there are amazing, and I feel so much more kindredness than I have ever felt at this school. But I don't have the grades or money to go to that school. I have good grades, but I need better if I am going to get the sort of aid my sis does. She's amazing.
Envying her doesn't feel good though.
I also miss actually learning, actually feeling my brain expand with unknown things and feeling genuinely smart. I have never had the best grades but I have always been excellent at learning and the past few years I haven't felt it. My brain feels lethargic, and although I am studying something I love by studying acting, it grows stale for me. So I am leaving school after this semester, and going to get a cosmetology license. I think it is something I could be good at, and I could use it for work in film still. Part of me still hesitates though, because I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to just be settling. I want to actually do something that will stimulate me and keep me energized.
I understand the need for money, especially right now for feeding my need to travel (and yes it is a need at this point for my soul), but I have never agreed with just settling for something that you can't stand just for the purposes of money. I can still make my life work, and I feel that if I take the chance I could make something great out of it, but it's not easy to maintain such hard core faith, that childlike resolve that everything it going to be right in the end, when there are second guessers and doubters and people who don't understand and thus question you at every step. It slows you down, especially when it's people you love and care about who don't seem to get you at all.
It has made me a grumpy, tired, sad person. I have lost a lot of the patience I once had with things and people, and more devastating, I feel I am losing my skill for dealing with people. I feel I say things wrong so very often, and get into arguments and disagreements and misunderstandings in quantities that seem to grow exponentially. That more than anything wears me out.
I am ready to just open my eyes, let lose, and go. I just wish I new where and how to make it happen while staying happy. Staying happy, being genuinely happy is most important to me. It just makes the most sense.
I just want to be me and genuinely happy. Doesn't seem like much to ask for, does it?
I am so stressed about pretty much everything right now... I need a job, and I'm trying to find a decent paying one that will work around my class schedule. It helps that I have class two days a week except for my kung fu classes on Tues. and Thurs, nights. Still, it isn't easy finding a job, and i have frequently run into problems since my main work experience is from movie sets, and most steady jobs don't know what to make of that. The truth is from my experience, any real world job is going to require a lot less of me than what I am used to giving and having expected of me on a set. Most places don't get that though.
School starts in a week, and that is a mixed thing for me. I am happy to be learning again, but at the same time, I am dealing with needing to get textbooks but not yet having the money, and I am worried about the possibility of my grades not doing so well again this semester, and even though I go to a good school, it really isn't the best one for me. I really need a small school, and Texas State just isn't that. It's been hard, because lately I keep thinking God I want to go to someplace like my sister's school. A place with 2000 students, and a president of the school that is so cool easy to meet and talk to that everyone on campus calls him by the short version of his first name (Morty in her school's case, rather than Mortimer or Mr. Blahdiblah). The students I've met there are amazing, and I feel so much more kindredness than I have ever felt at this school. But I don't have the grades or money to go to that school. I have good grades, but I need better if I am going to get the sort of aid my sis does. She's amazing.
Envying her doesn't feel good though.
I also miss actually learning, actually feeling my brain expand with unknown things and feeling genuinely smart. I have never had the best grades but I have always been excellent at learning and the past few years I haven't felt it. My brain feels lethargic, and although I am studying something I love by studying acting, it grows stale for me. So I am leaving school after this semester, and going to get a cosmetology license. I think it is something I could be good at, and I could use it for work in film still. Part of me still hesitates though, because I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to just be settling. I want to actually do something that will stimulate me and keep me energized.
I understand the need for money, especially right now for feeding my need to travel (and yes it is a need at this point for my soul), but I have never agreed with just settling for something that you can't stand just for the purposes of money. I can still make my life work, and I feel that if I take the chance I could make something great out of it, but it's not easy to maintain such hard core faith, that childlike resolve that everything it going to be right in the end, when there are second guessers and doubters and people who don't understand and thus question you at every step. It slows you down, especially when it's people you love and care about who don't seem to get you at all.
It has made me a grumpy, tired, sad person. I have lost a lot of the patience I once had with things and people, and more devastating, I feel I am losing my skill for dealing with people. I feel I say things wrong so very often, and get into arguments and disagreements and misunderstandings in quantities that seem to grow exponentially. That more than anything wears me out.
I am ready to just open my eyes, let lose, and go. I just wish I new where and how to make it happen while staying happy. Staying happy, being genuinely happy is most important to me. It just makes the most sense.
I just want to be me and genuinely happy. Doesn't seem like much to ask for, does it?
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
zaccone:
Good luck, with getting things in order 
fusckion:
weirdly it sounds like we have a parallel universe... in the same places, sort of.... travel is an absolute necessity-- i get to those points where i just feel the itch to just GO. you should check out "vagabonding" by rolf potts. its amazing and will make you want to put everything on hold and just do it. booshak alak ah. 