Update: I've had a wild reversal this month. The Universe felt I was worthy of a slap in the face that turned me right around. Due to the nature of my disorder, I could very well dip this low again, as I have before, but I'm good, hopefully for a good, long while. I'm going to keep this blog here primarily as a reminder, and also for those who need to see it, if they suffer as I have.
I’m tired.
I’m tired physically. I suffer from sleep apnea, and all methods of stopping that have failed me. Add onto that massive depression, at you’ve got a killer combo that keeps me in bed much of the time. I’m only 40, but I feel much older. I have gone back on keto, and that has helped some. I’m by no means a fitness guru, but I do enjoy long walks, both out of necessity and by choice (it takes me about an hour to walk to work, and I don’t drive).
I’m tired mentally. The lack of good sleep makes it difficult to process things the way I used to (brain fog is a bitch). I still read and do puzzles and the like to keep my brain active, but my decline in mental prowess from my university days is noticeable as it is frustrating.
I’m tired emotionally. Fuck, am I ever tired emotionally. Try as I might, I can’t shake my depression these days. It doesn’t help that I’m bi-polar, but I also have this bad habit about giving a damn about humanity, and the more I think about our potential, the more I see that we are still a child-race after all this time, and not just a child-race, but one that seems bent on destroying itself. Maybe that’s just the call of nature. Maybe our time is about up, and our end will give rise to species greater than our own. Needless to say, my hopelessness with regards to our future has weighed heavily on me, adding to my depression and anxiety that cripples me.
I’m tired spiritually. I’m practiced in the ways of witchcraft. I can ken, create sacred space, divine, enchant, and altogether fuck around with energy like nobody’s business, thanks to the tutelage of the Ottawa Pagan Schola. That used to give me such a rush and a sense of community and belonging. Now, the state of the world and my meager place in it has left me utterly drained. My soul yearns to rest in a place in the Astral Sea that I have carved out for myself. There, away from my mortal shackles, I can find the peace that not even long stints of meditation give me anymore.
In March of next year, I will be in a position to apply for Medical Assistance In Death. I find the prospect exciting, and that alone is a good indicator of just how done I am. For any of you who read this far, thank you for that. If you sympathize, I’d love to hear from you. I doubt very much that I’m alone.
