sophast

So it's been quite a freaking while since I've updated. So much to tell...

First I wanna say hi to one of the coolest mama's on SG i've met thus far PhunkyBrewster She rocks...period.

It's hotter than a doozie up here in northern Michigan...puching 90 degress and plenty of humidity. Went to the beach last night for some rum and coke while digging my toes in the sand. It was quite relaxing...until...

Amy and I got into a quite the heated discussion about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Let's face it, I've been a miserable depressed son-of-a-bitch. I can't explain what has happened to me but I don't like one bit. I've become cynical, angry, distrusting, apathetic and just not all that caring about others. I've kinda turned to the darkside so-to-speak. I used to care about people, and the environment, and nature, and human peace, and connecting with others using the gifts that have been bestowed upon me.

I have a natural instinct to communicate with people, no matter what their beliefs, gender, age, class, or lack of willingness to open up...I can get even the most angriest cynical hateful person to at least talk to me. Ever since I was a kid I've had the gift of gab...thoseof you who know me, know I can talk...and talk...and talk. BUt I feel like I've lost it in some respects...well...many respects actually. I feel lost with no direction. Lost with no passion...lost with no ambition. I'm a manager at a local coffee shop with two college degrees and no desire to do anything with it. I feel like i've lost an interest in everything that used to facinate me; music, people, talking, reading, camping, hiking, snowboarding...and mediation. I'm a trained mediator by the state courts and have helped dozens of couples and poeple solve their differences and come to an amicable understanding....but it doesn't remotely perk my interest right now. Photography has been a blessing and has really kept me interested in something lately....but I'm yearning to something good with it, not just take pictures for the sake of taking pictures.

I guess I want to reprioritze and rearrange my to-do list of life. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis. Maybe it's depression and being so overwight that my health is in jeapordy, but I feel like I need a spiritual kick in the ass. I don't want to disappear behind a computer creen in some office cubicle...or working for some scumbag trying to make a buck...yet I know I have to make MONEY. I have college bills to pay off, some debt/bad credit to fix, and then cover food, rent, utilities, insurace, car stuff (gas, oil, etc), pet supplies, toilet paper, toiletries etc....it just goes on and on and on and on and on. It's enought o make one give up...which I kinda feel like I'm doing. Being a manager in a coffee shop isn't making the world a better place, not even by ONE person. It hardly pays the neccessities, but it allows me to live and work in a small town near my wife's folks and be 2 blocks from the beach. I can walk across the street to the grocery store. I can turn the corner instead and be at the post office in 30 paces. It's a GREAT little town, and I'm a small-town guy, but I think I may be selling myself short. I'm not ready to settle down and just work to make ends meet...I want to have an impact on the people I surround myself with. I have aduty, an obligation to help others and make this fucked up little planet a bit better.Even if it's just a LITTLE better because I made a difference is enough.

So how do I pick my path, my destiny, my direction, my fight? Who needs my help and what kind of help can I...ME...do? Aids, homelessness, crime, depression, politics, poverty, healthcare, aids, abuse, war, pollution, hate, drugs, saving animals, old folks, the environment, racism.....FUCK!?!?!?!?!??!?! There's so much....and all I want to do is hide and go about my business and buy my "stuff". And it makes me cry.

Overwhelmed...yeah...I think so.

What's a guy to do?