Everything is slipping. I feel like the back of my head is being hit by an opening drawer full of letters while my feet are resting on a conveyor belt moving toward a hole in the ground. Im being alternately pushed and pulled in differing directions simply because I cannot decide what I should do.
I know what I have to do, but each day Ive less and less faith that it will be worth it by the time that it is done. Im so scared that Im dedicating every iota of my being to something that no longer exists, or will no longer exist soon,;that I feel too much, or more than exists, or that Ive imagined so many moments.
Its hard when you see one thing out of your right eye and another out of your left.
It might go against all my anti-Cartesian whatnots, but I need more proof that I am not simply hurting myself through another person. I need so much more proof to put myself through this.
I had an interview today for an adult job which would make my resume orgiastic, but which I dont expect I will get because I become a glue-lipped fool when THOSE HOLY EDITORS open there golden coated lungs and pronounce my fate. I think I maybe said five words during the interview and the editor cut it short to give me my test (googling business info peh).
I dont want this job anyway. I want to shave my head in funny places like I used be able to do and actually look how I want. Salary would certain appease certain adults that terrify me, but theyre becoming more and more distant and they're not my adults and if their proscriptions really matter that much, then things are more fucked up then even I thought. I need money for an apartment, the rest is up to otherwheres and their jobs. Im not getting a job that will make me hate myself for the sake of someone elses pressures, I'm getting a job that will make me hate myself to get rid of everything external.
I was sitting with my mother tonight and she asked me what I imagined would make me happy other than various proximities and comforts and I couldnt imagine. All I can see now is a series of offices, and yes Im being fatalistic, but I promised myself years ago that I would never even begin to walk this way. I have utterly lied.
What are you thought on a) cutting/burning/scarring b) tattoo c) starvation? Im working on a paper.
I know what I have to do, but each day Ive less and less faith that it will be worth it by the time that it is done. Im so scared that Im dedicating every iota of my being to something that no longer exists, or will no longer exist soon,;that I feel too much, or more than exists, or that Ive imagined so many moments.
Its hard when you see one thing out of your right eye and another out of your left.
It might go against all my anti-Cartesian whatnots, but I need more proof that I am not simply hurting myself through another person. I need so much more proof to put myself through this.
I had an interview today for an adult job which would make my resume orgiastic, but which I dont expect I will get because I become a glue-lipped fool when THOSE HOLY EDITORS open there golden coated lungs and pronounce my fate. I think I maybe said five words during the interview and the editor cut it short to give me my test (googling business info peh).
I dont want this job anyway. I want to shave my head in funny places like I used be able to do and actually look how I want. Salary would certain appease certain adults that terrify me, but theyre becoming more and more distant and they're not my adults and if their proscriptions really matter that much, then things are more fucked up then even I thought. I need money for an apartment, the rest is up to otherwheres and their jobs. Im not getting a job that will make me hate myself for the sake of someone elses pressures, I'm getting a job that will make me hate myself to get rid of everything external.
I was sitting with my mother tonight and she asked me what I imagined would make me happy other than various proximities and comforts and I couldnt imagine. All I can see now is a series of offices, and yes Im being fatalistic, but I promised myself years ago that I would never even begin to walk this way. I have utterly lied.
What are you thought on a) cutting/burning/scarring b) tattoo c) starvation? Im working on a paper.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
fenianone:
for me, most of the time i feel that i am just biding my time til that day i am done with this constant struggle. some people just don't understand why i am the way i am. i call my self hyperaware. i see everything. analyzing and realizing that i dont feel like everyone else, in that, i am not self centerred, i believe in common respect among human beings. my way of dealing with all of this is to just shut down. stay home and seperate from everyone, becoming numb. the tatoos give me something to look forward to and in the pain i find a sense of heightening, the nerves pushed to their limit. impulses looding the brain, and as i am trying to figure out why pain is what it is, mind over matter, i think to myself that if i force myself to not feel this physical pain, i can force myself to not feel the other pains in my life. i think that is the best way i can explain it.
rizzo:
hell yeah! come in today and fill out an application, I'll be there. however, the manager won't be in until monday...it's worth a shot.