I feel like the whole bubble I've spent blowing up the last four years is finall popping.
I'm applying to these office jobs, and wrestling with myself to rememeber why I now have to value so much the health benefits and stabililty they would provide.
Instead? Instead I want to just serve out beer and booze and bullshit to a slew of endless faces, racking up the points on my cash machine and always just one dollar away from oblivion.
I can't do that anymore. I'm not 20 anymore.
If my priority is getting into a position to have a family and to start building a life, then I have to make a compromise.
Right?
Well...I've spent my life trashing such notions. I've convinnced myself in the past that if you're not living for your direct needs and benefit, you're not really living. That a relationship won't be real if you try to put yourself in a position to have it. That really, actually, life isn't much work at all. That was just what I thought.
Now I think I was wrong. Now I think life is a lot of work after all. Now I think that if the world refuses to conform to what you want it to be, you have to do the best you can to change it in whatever way possible...but you're still going to have to eat shit from time to time.
Office work. Sheesh. If my friends from high school, college, or Portland were to see me snivel my way through a phone interview expressing my weaknesses and strengths....shit. Well. Fuck it. None of them have kids or even a marriage, and they're all bordering on 30. Nothing wrong with that if it was just a few of us. But all of us? What the hell is different and so scared about my particular friendship circle?
I want kids. I want a family. I have all the same fears and wacky shit my friends do, but I want to grow bigger than that.
So I will.
By getting a bit smaller.h
I'm applying to these office jobs, and wrestling with myself to rememeber why I now have to value so much the health benefits and stabililty they would provide.
Instead? Instead I want to just serve out beer and booze and bullshit to a slew of endless faces, racking up the points on my cash machine and always just one dollar away from oblivion.
I can't do that anymore. I'm not 20 anymore.
If my priority is getting into a position to have a family and to start building a life, then I have to make a compromise.
Right?
Well...I've spent my life trashing such notions. I've convinnced myself in the past that if you're not living for your direct needs and benefit, you're not really living. That a relationship won't be real if you try to put yourself in a position to have it. That really, actually, life isn't much work at all. That was just what I thought.
Now I think I was wrong. Now I think life is a lot of work after all. Now I think that if the world refuses to conform to what you want it to be, you have to do the best you can to change it in whatever way possible...but you're still going to have to eat shit from time to time.
Office work. Sheesh. If my friends from high school, college, or Portland were to see me snivel my way through a phone interview expressing my weaknesses and strengths....shit. Well. Fuck it. None of them have kids or even a marriage, and they're all bordering on 30. Nothing wrong with that if it was just a few of us. But all of us? What the hell is different and so scared about my particular friendship circle?
I want kids. I want a family. I have all the same fears and wacky shit my friends do, but I want to grow bigger than that.
So I will.
By getting a bit smaller.h
the thing is, I was scared and by saying i didnt want that life, it meant that if it didnt happen, i would be let down.
what happened? I grew..I'm 25, i work 40hrs, am engaged, and am getting mjy shit together day by day..my past pals, they are in dead end jobs, fucked up on pills or worse yet in a lon list of friends i had that have overdosed on heroin..so im doing alright i suppose.
Best of luck in each step you make.
Im always around to chat
xxx
AC