Brief history of my life so far - Part 4
Relationship with girlfriend developed during 2002 while I slowly realised that the sudden and complete loss of my former social group was having serious effects on me. Restructure at work saw job change significantly bringing much stress. Slid into depression though still not really aware anything was wrong with me. Coped with alcohol and excessive spending on books, records, film-making equipment and Lord of the Rings toys. Discovered ebay to the severe detriment of bank account.
Finally had enough of work late 2003 and took another community mental health job for the Bowral Health Centre. With two colleges, established a new mental health team at Tahmoor, about 50km west of Wollongong, to service the Wollondilly Shire - a semi-rural area previously lacking in any significant mental health service. Again felt I had been afforded a rare and fortunate opportunity - to be involved in the creation of a new service.
Despite being happy in relationship and new job, depression worsened over Christmas 2003 and in early 2004 began to realise something might be wrong with me. In April sort help and began treatment with anti-depressant. Seemed to work well, and for several months began to feel normal again and enjoy life. Work was challenging but very rewarding and enjoyed previously unknown level of autonomy. In later half of 2004, depression seemed to return despite efforts to combat it with increased dose of medication, improved diet and regular exercise. Increasing sick leave came to the attention of boss. In early 2005, disclosed mental health problem to him and he arranged consultation with a health service psychiatrist. Psychiatrist diagnosed recurrent major depression and switched me to a different anti-depressant.
Again, initial response was good - mood improved for several months until once again the symptoms returned in later half of 2005 causing significant impact on relationship and capacity to function in job. Became convinced that relationship and job were contributing to depression and in November suddenly got idea to travel to Europe for an indefinite period. Broke off relationship and began to make plans before realising that idea to travel was just an irrational response to the depression - a desperate attempt to escape. Realised the things I wanted to escape from were not the cause of the depression - it was internal. Something was wrong with my brain, not my job or my relationship.
Got back with girlfriend and moved in together in the New Year, 2006. Persisted with anti-depressant despite deteriorating mood. Had difficulty adjusting to living together. By this time had started market stall selling books, records and t-shirts each Sunday - an attempt to develop new interests and keep myself busy. By March, depression was the worse it had ever been and made decision to stop medication as it seemed to be doing nothing anyway. Acute serotonin withdrawal produced unprecedented symptoms of despair, the "brain shivers", and bouts of uncontrollable crying. Called psychiatrist who I hadn't seen for a year and asked for help. After seeing him, started third anti-depressant which alleviated withdrawal but did not improve depression. Also began seeing psychologist for weekly cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Again felt need to escape from life situation and again decided to break off relationship. Moved back to mother's house. Made six-month plan to get well, save up, and go travelling to Europe. Got sick of markets and established relationship with local second-hand bookshop to sell my books, records and t-shirts. Reduced nursing work to three days a week and began working in bookshop in spare time. Continued to see psychiatrist regularly and by June, depression began to lift with combination of medication, CBT, and reduced work stress. By July, symptoms seemed to be completely gone. Felt like a different person - realised I had been in a cloud of depression of varying severity for much of my adult life.
For several months felt like a man who had been let out of prison after 10 years. Began to experience and enjoy life as I never had before. But things never stay the same. Have now realised that I may be in and out of the prison, or "the pit", as I like to call it, for the rest of my life. I now have a much better understanding of the illness and its potentially destructive effects on my life and those around me. Am learning to live with it, treat it, and stop myself from repeating mistakes of the past.
Now, in October, 2006, have become involved with the SG website and met some like-minded people with whom I have developed the beginnings of friendship. You cannot change the past, but you can influence the future.
Relationship with girlfriend developed during 2002 while I slowly realised that the sudden and complete loss of my former social group was having serious effects on me. Restructure at work saw job change significantly bringing much stress. Slid into depression though still not really aware anything was wrong with me. Coped with alcohol and excessive spending on books, records, film-making equipment and Lord of the Rings toys. Discovered ebay to the severe detriment of bank account.
Finally had enough of work late 2003 and took another community mental health job for the Bowral Health Centre. With two colleges, established a new mental health team at Tahmoor, about 50km west of Wollongong, to service the Wollondilly Shire - a semi-rural area previously lacking in any significant mental health service. Again felt I had been afforded a rare and fortunate opportunity - to be involved in the creation of a new service.
Despite being happy in relationship and new job, depression worsened over Christmas 2003 and in early 2004 began to realise something might be wrong with me. In April sort help and began treatment with anti-depressant. Seemed to work well, and for several months began to feel normal again and enjoy life. Work was challenging but very rewarding and enjoyed previously unknown level of autonomy. In later half of 2004, depression seemed to return despite efforts to combat it with increased dose of medication, improved diet and regular exercise. Increasing sick leave came to the attention of boss. In early 2005, disclosed mental health problem to him and he arranged consultation with a health service psychiatrist. Psychiatrist diagnosed recurrent major depression and switched me to a different anti-depressant.
Again, initial response was good - mood improved for several months until once again the symptoms returned in later half of 2005 causing significant impact on relationship and capacity to function in job. Became convinced that relationship and job were contributing to depression and in November suddenly got idea to travel to Europe for an indefinite period. Broke off relationship and began to make plans before realising that idea to travel was just an irrational response to the depression - a desperate attempt to escape. Realised the things I wanted to escape from were not the cause of the depression - it was internal. Something was wrong with my brain, not my job or my relationship.
Got back with girlfriend and moved in together in the New Year, 2006. Persisted with anti-depressant despite deteriorating mood. Had difficulty adjusting to living together. By this time had started market stall selling books, records and t-shirts each Sunday - an attempt to develop new interests and keep myself busy. By March, depression was the worse it had ever been and made decision to stop medication as it seemed to be doing nothing anyway. Acute serotonin withdrawal produced unprecedented symptoms of despair, the "brain shivers", and bouts of uncontrollable crying. Called psychiatrist who I hadn't seen for a year and asked for help. After seeing him, started third anti-depressant which alleviated withdrawal but did not improve depression. Also began seeing psychologist for weekly cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Again felt need to escape from life situation and again decided to break off relationship. Moved back to mother's house. Made six-month plan to get well, save up, and go travelling to Europe. Got sick of markets and established relationship with local second-hand bookshop to sell my books, records and t-shirts. Reduced nursing work to three days a week and began working in bookshop in spare time. Continued to see psychiatrist regularly and by June, depression began to lift with combination of medication, CBT, and reduced work stress. By July, symptoms seemed to be completely gone. Felt like a different person - realised I had been in a cloud of depression of varying severity for much of my adult life.
For several months felt like a man who had been let out of prison after 10 years. Began to experience and enjoy life as I never had before. But things never stay the same. Have now realised that I may be in and out of the prison, or "the pit", as I like to call it, for the rest of my life. I now have a much better understanding of the illness and its potentially destructive effects on my life and those around me. Am learning to live with it, treat it, and stop myself from repeating mistakes of the past.
Now, in October, 2006, have become involved with the SG website and met some like-minded people with whom I have developed the beginnings of friendship. You cannot change the past, but you can influence the future.
For example, at any time I can be completely happy and I can try and think back of something that really upsets me and end up getting mad. Or if I'm in a bad mood I can think about something that made me unbelivably happy and start feeling great. It's what actors do to put themselves in whatever mood the roll needs on call whenever some guy with money asks them to. The better they can focus on whatever events they're trying to focus on to put yourself into that mood, the better of an actor they'll be.
The trouble I think a lot of people have is when they get that level of focus, they start living in their own world and become excessively unresponsive to the point where it would become damaging to themselves or others and stop trying. If you're able to modify your mood like that, and still be responsive to extrenal stimulusto the point where others have no idea that you were in an unhappy mood before, then eventually you'll be able to control your mood like you would a car. And once you can control your mood you can control your overall state of mind.
Every once in a while I'll lose the ability to focus like that and I'll enter depression as well. I absolutely REFUSE to take any drugs no matter what. I think it's copping out and just won't do it. Just by controling my mood like that I've been able to treat my depression myself rather well when I do fall into it (EVERYone does at some time in their life).