Hello members, This is not about a happy story!
I feed the sometimes i need the world to know how I feel, although that wouldn't change anything because many people will read and forget or don't care or just won't read.
But I need to do it for myself and put everything out. If you want to know who I am, this moment is now!
My life has never, never been easy. I grew up in a very humble place where my parents didn't like each other because i wasn't planned. In the beginning it was rejections, abandonments and judgment that my mother and I suffered. Nowadays my family is "well". I live with my parents and my brother.
I've always been alone. Since I remember my existence, I have never been included, loved... it was always rejected or abandoned. I had no friends and I NEVER did. I was excluded from the small groups in the room, when it came to doing some work I was the one left over. The one who was ALWAYS the target of bullying and jokes was me!
Elementary school, high school... everything about me was a reason for criticism and mockery. Outside of school, I didn't have any friends either. I always got into fights for the simple fact that "you don't go with my face" or my way. But how can they not like me if they don't even know me?
Then you should think "at least at home you had peace" that was the worst part because I didn't have it. A family member became my biggest torment during my 18 years of life. I believe that you spend 24 hours a day feeling HATED has its consequences...
Did I get traumas? To always be rejected? Excluded? Is the world against me? Have my actions today had past causes?
How am I doing today? Dead. Living for me now doesn't matter. Overshadowed by depression, anxiety and panic attacks, I became a troubled girl and alone. Nobody cares if you've had a day or have a bad life. People don't want to walk with you because you're too "negative", too "freak”
People don't want to understand your side. Everything becomes very superficial. False and fragile. I don't blame them, but then is it my fault? Was everything I went through was fair? Because when I think about whether I've already done something bad for someone, nothing comes to mind.
People are not willing to get to know other people deeply. They go from rumors to rumors forming a facet THAT I AM NOT.
A personality that IS NOT MINE.
My routine every day takes away a piece of my soul. I can't get a job and I swear I've tried everything. I don't know why. I'm beautiful, intelligent, I have talent and compassion. I help people, I care about animals and plants. I'm an obedient daughter and a great sister. I'm not drugged (nothing against) and I've never killed anyone. Don’t know why. I want to disappear every day. I don't know why I beg God to take this pain away from me and give me an emotional from a rock. I don't want to leave my room, I don't want to bathe or eat. If I could, I would sleep forever, but without dreaming because even my dreams disturb me.
What made me happy just doesn't even tickle anymore. The desire to commit suicide only increases but the doubt of being a much worse place after here prevents me.
I don't want to dream anymore, I don't care if one day I'm going to conquer everything I want because TODAY I just want to give up. Give up on me, my dreams, future relationships, my family. It doesn't matter.
Everything has become a great abstract drawing in black and white. I don't know but interact with people. I don't know what it's like to have someone. Dating? Out of the question. Everything I materially own today is the result of my effort and that of my parents. I'm not a Baby girl just because I'm blonde and I go to nice places…
I've lived in a house that had only one room. I've already been hungry. They've already tried to kill me…
I'M NOT THE TYPE TO SIT AND WHINING FOR EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH AND ENDURED BUT FUCK, HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO ENDURE THIS PAIN?
I can't stand any kind of violence. No screams or fights. I'm at rock bottom and the world is crushing me in there..
I've become an aggressive, anxious, suspicious, insecure person, without self-esteem... I could say that even have bordeline, all that's missing is the diagnosis. I usually freak out with random people when I think I'm going to suffer again. I don't have tears anymore...
I don't know what to do. And maybe I don't even want to do anything anymore.
This is my pain.
Open letter from me to you! I so sorry.
@jacqueline @penny @babu @suicidegirlsbrasil @missy
