sofatron

People are vicious creatures. Snarling and dripping from the jaws waiting to exact revenge on each other.
My past is something I think often about. Im not ashamed of it, nor do I rejoice it. Its mixed, as Im sure everyones is.
I recently tried to have a conversation with an ex GF of mine. It was Horrible. I lived in florida for about 9 months and had gotten to know this girl named Alexis pretty well. To me, she was drop dead gorgeous. The first time I saw her I stopped in my tracks and (while wearing my PE clothes that consisted of black short shorts, a yellow teeshirt that said chick magnet, and high socks and vans) tried to say hi, but it more or less came out like,
"Heeuuuugghhyy?".
While sheepishly grinning and waving my hand, she walked past me and giggled with her friends about the big emo haired boy with short shorts.
I eventually found out her name and gathered up as much courage as my hormone driven body could and asked her out on a date.
Yes...
Wait... what?
She said yes, thought I was funny and nice, and that going to the mall would be fun sometime.
And thats what we did, we dated, and began dating seriously, I had met her Family (she was cuban so her family was super tight.) Imagine me, jeans and a button up teeshirt with a longsleeve underneath it (IN FLORIDA!) trying to have a conversation about my hobbies to her father and uncle while they were watching a very heated soccer (excuse me) Futball match. How awkward indeed when her mom INSISTED I eat some REAL food and get strong. So... they made me Quesadillas. So Rich in cheese.... and cheese. and Thats how things were. I was white and geeky and she was Proudly Cuban and Scene (shes the one who got me into death Cab).
Eventually I couldnt handle school. I wouldnt stay past first Period (if i even went) for at least... 2 1/2 months straight. It really wore on our relationship. I would rarely see her at school and would sit home, get stoned, and play halo all day. Then come back for drama class because i thought it would help. But just like in real life, I never took the serious roles seriously enough. I allways had some joke to make, some comment, some gesture that HAD to make it funny, if i didnt, itd just be me doing really bad acting. I eventually got kicked out, for
"not taking the Wolfson High (after school) Drama program seriously enough"
and had to bow out.
So after that Florida was nothing but an uphill struggle of Therapy, medication, girls, two guys, and a whole lot of depression. My mom and I decided that I wasnt going to get any better here and the only cure was that half assed mix of ocean breeze and burning tires . We would move back to California.
It would be the Third time in a year. And I hated those fucking goodbyes. I brought a disposable camera with me to school, didnt tell anyone and took as many pictures as possible. I left about two days later, no one the wisest. It took a week to get from florida to CA, my only comfort was a drawing pad, 1 mix CD i made, and my gameboy. My moms friend had flown out to help us drive so i had no one to talk to in the empty backseat.
After I got to california i Called alexis and told her... No god could have saved me from that Scorn. I tried my hardest to keep in touch with everyone, but only a few would still to this day want to hear that im doing okay. (I make allot of mistakes and even more enemies usually). SO!
I recently talked to alexis, wanting to explain to her how much ive grown, how much I wish I could have changed things and done things the right way in life. and most importantly apologize to her...
She wanted no part of it.
I asked.
Did you ever wonder what things could of been like if I stayed.
"No, we were through, and I never want to talk to you anymore"
That was the bite, the bone crunching chomp that had her teeth sinking deep into my chest, tearing past my rib cage and into my heart, gnawing on it enjoying the sweet revenge. It may not seem that bad, but to have somebody I still hope is okay and doing well and want to apologize to say that.. it hurts.... bad.