soeffinhappy

So my whole life I was a loser OK? But that didn't have to be how it was forever. I decided to make a change. I got out of my house and went downtown to one of those "hipster" hangouts. Upon stepping in I felt immediately cooler. The lights were low, there was lots of smoke, there were lot's of cool decorations and the whole place looked pretty run down. VERY punk rock. So I sit down at the bar and order the hardest drink I can take.
"BARTENDER!" I smack my hand on the bar "gimme a shirley temple.....EXTRA cherry sauce."
Man was I cool now. With that much sugar it was gonna take me DAYS..no....WEEKS to come down. The bartender gave me my drink and I leaned my back against the bar to admire my fellow hipsters. FINALLY I was cool.
That's when I saw her. She was an angel in black. Her pure white skin shone out from beneath her perfectly tousled black hair and was broken only by the deep green oceans of her eyes and the pouty, cigarette holding pillows of her lips. Her ebony hair cascaded down past her perfect butt, and would probably touch the tops of her knee high leather boots if she were standing. I followed those shining black gifts from above all the way up to the small white line of her crossed legs just beneath her short black skirt. Buckles and rings glittered off her like so many stars and you could almost make out the tatoos that were hiding underneath the fishnets on her arms.
It took me a second to clap my jaw shut, but I finally did. I had to talk to this girl. It was a good thing I'd worn my lucky Ninja Turtles shirt. I'd had it since sixth grade and it still fit, except for when I raised my hands, bent over, moved my arms or turned at the waist. I bet in this light she wouldn't even notice the stains. I downed the rest of my shirley temple in one swallow, grimacing at the taste of that much sugar at one time. A swagger is the only word that could properly describe my movement across the room.
"Umm.....hey....umm.......I'm uhhhhhh I'm......uhhhhh......Jeff."
She rolled her eyes, blew smoke in my face and walked over to a bunch of those hipster dudes.
Coughing and gagging, I stood in shock. I was TWICE as cool as any of those hipster dudes. I got EXTRA cherry sauce in my Shirley Temple. What had happened?
That's when it hit me..........................................................................................................................................MUSIC!!!
They were all wearing band shirts for cool, hipster, underground bands that no one has ever heard of. Clearly this place was for only the most original people ever and that divine goth goddess would settle for no less. If I wanted to be cool enough to get her, I'd have to listen to cooler music.
The next day I ran to my local Sam Goody to find the most original, coolest music around. Immediately two sections jumped out at me. The first was NUMETAL. This HAD to be original. It had NEW right there in the name!! I grabbed a bunch of CDs and moved on to the next section, clearly for hipsters only. HARDCORE was what the sign said above this section and these sure were some hardcore CDs. Slipknot? Korn? Smile Empty Soul? Was there every anything MORE hardcore? I grabbed as many CDs as I could carry and paid with the credit card my parents gave me for my 10th birthday. I was nowhere NEAR my eight thousand dollar limit so I could afford to splurge on a few CDs.
That night I went back to the hipster hangout. This time I was prepared. She was there again, looking as perfect as ever, still smoking her cigarette. I went right over to her and started the conversation.
"Hey have you heard the new Slipknot CD? It's so HARDCORE!!!"
Once again, she rolled her eyes, blew smoke in my face and walked over to a bunch of hipster dudes.
What could have happened? I mentioned Slipknot, who are CLEARLY the most underground and original band out there....I even made a growling face and and held up my pinky and forefinger when I said HARDCORE.
A realization dawned on me that maybe it took more than listening to "cool" music to get a girl to like you...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................YOU NEED COOL BLACK CLOTHES!!!
OF COURSE!!! Here I was in my normal T-shirt and jeans when everyone else was decked out in the most original outfit ever....all black. The next day I ran out to the only place to get cool black clothes....HOT TOPIC. I picked out a bunch of rockin hoodies and giant black jeans. While I was at it, I even grabbed some black hair dye. Then as I was leaving I rooted through what must have been thousands of totally original spiked collars and bracelets to get the ones that were perfect for me. My last item's were a wallet and a ring, but they weren't your momma's wallet and ring. No sir. The wallet had FLAMES on it and a chain that attached to your belt and the ring wasn't just a ring...IT WAS A SKULL!!!! I could tell that all the people who were shopping at Hot Topic while I was there were totally original too. After all they were all wearing black and they all had skull rings and wallet chains. That night, I ran out to the hipster hangout and went to talk to the girl again.
"Hey aren't these spikes on my bracelets AWESOME?!?!"
More rolled eyes, more smoke in my face and more of her talking to those hipster dudes.
Shot down again. I couldn't believe it.
What was I doing wrong? I didn't have anything but black on and I even had a bunch of cool spike bracelets and skull rings. What else was there?
That's when it hit me.
All the totally original hipsters had TATTOOS and PIERCINGS. How could I be original if I didn't have one? EVERYONE who was original was getting one.
The next day I got up early and went to the local tattoo shop before it opened. I was glad to see that four or five other original people were waiting to get tattoos and piercings too. They finally opened and I waited my turn while the five guys ahead of me got their stuff done. It didn't take too long, and by then the waiting room was filled with these totally cool, totally original people. ALL of them had tattoos and piercings. There must have been ten people in that little room, all wearing black, with wallet chains and skull rings and tattoos and piercings and looking COMPLETELY original. Finally it was my turn and I was glad I came early, if I would have waited I would have had to stand outside with the other twenty or so original people before I could even get into the waiting room. I got the coolest tattoos and piercings. Just to show her I was a badass, I got a FLAMING SKULL on my arm, then BARBED WIRE going totally around the other. Then I got a tattoo on my chest with lots more flames and ghostrider with the caption that said HELLRAISER. Yeah it was totally badass. But just to make sure they knew I wasn't ALL flames and hard stuff, I made sure to show my sensitive side with a really cool chinese word on my shoulderblade. I didn't know what it meant but the guy told me.
"It means serenity. Or peace. Or maybe it's ocean. Whatever it means it means you'll be gettin a lot of pussy from now on..."
More tattoo artists had come in and now they were tattooing and piercing people ten at a time. It was making the line move much faster which was good cause now it was down the block. I never knew so many original people lived in my town. By the time I got out of there I'd gotten a bunch of piercings too. I pierced my eyebrow, my lip, my tongue, my nipples and even my COCK!!
I was so cool.
I ran out to the hipster hangout and went to show off my new piercings and tattoos.
"Thee? I gah ahl thethe pierthingth and tatooth! Ah even piertheduh muh COCK!!" (it was a little hard to talk with this tongue ring...)
Once again, she only rolled her eyes, blew smoke in my face, and talked with her hipster friends.
What a let down. I walked home, dejected, broken and with a metal spike in my cock. What was wrong? Couldn't she how cool I was? I was at least as cool as those hipsters at the bar and I had the tattoos and piercings to prove it.
The next day at school, I went to the band room and picked up a guitar, I'd never played before, but someone told me it wasn't hard so I figured I'd give it a try. It was amazing, without even tuning or playing any chords, my music sounded great. It was so heavy that I attracted a couple other people, one a singer and one a bass player. The bass player was like me, he'd never played before but the singer was really good. In his old band, he'd been able to scream til his THROAT BLED. They were called Stereohell 666 and they were probably the best hardcore band ever. Anyways, the three of us started to jam and it sounded great!! The guitar and bass were so heavy, and the vocals were screamed so incoherently that you could barely hear ANYTHING!! It wasn't long before we found a drummer and started playing shows.




And THAT's the story of how my little hardcore band got started. It's hard to believe that we're on TRL now and have millions of screaming little girls clawing at us. But I realized something about that first girl, the one who inspired me to start it all.


MAN she was just a stinking POSER. Now that I'm really famous I MUST be super hardcore and cool. She's nowhere NEAR as hardcore as I am and I've got the 63 trillion album sales to prove it.