soeffinhappy

So I don't know what to write but I need to update my journal, the previous one is getting rather rank. So this one is going to be rather random. But aren't MOST of my journals?
So I'm not a fan of Gov't Mule but they do hit the spot sometimes. Like tonight. They're good when you're in a laid back mood but not a folky acoustic laid back kinda mood. Kinda southern rock but kinda laid back too. I've been really into laid back music lately. Maybe it's just cause I'm so depressed. I've been listening to Alice In Chains Unplugged a lot too. The vocal harmonies on it are so amazing. Nearly orgasm inducing. If only I could sing like Layne. If only ANYBODY could sing like Layne. The harmony on brother makes me feel like floating. It's like liquid. If you hold your breath and stay still, you can just drift along in it. Even songs that I don't really like that much like Down In A Hole and Angry Chair sound great on Unplugged.
I've FINALLY changed the strings on my guitar and started to play again. I'm a drummer by blood but I like to sing and so in order to be able to sing I need to play guitar. Not that every singer MUST play guitar, but I'm not really close with anyone who plays guitar so if I want to sing I need to play the guitar myself. I'm not very good but I've got potential. Whenever I'm not playing guitar I think that I just play guitar so that I can sing. Unfortunately I really really like playing guitarand it's usually not until I pick up the instrument that I remember this. It's like "OH YEAH. This is AWESOME." Guitar is such an expressive instrument. It's like a language all it's own that's been forgotten, like sanskrit. It's ancient and it's beautiful and we can only guess at the meanings of some of it's words but we cherish it just the same. There's something about a guitar that touches something deep in your soul. An older part of yourself. When your listening to good music all of lifes answers are laid out before you, but you can't put words to them because they have no words.
I don't know when I became so full of hate but it happened sometime. That's all I have left. I used to be a really good guy. Really I did. Somewhere along the line I just started hating people. It happened slowly at first. Only one or two. Then a couple more. Then a couple more. Now I hate EVERYONE. I can't think of ONE person I don't hate. Not ONE person. I just want to move away. Move to the desert. Go out west. The west is the best. Get here and we'll do the rest. ARe there ANY people out there who aren't manipulative and shady and liars and unreliable? And do I even deserve them? All the things that I hate about everyone else are the same things that are in myself. I guess because we're all the same.
I'm talking to Amy and I'm being really odd and random. She thinks I've been drinking but I haven't been. I'm just fucked up in general. Nothing I say or do makes any sense anymore. I wonder if I would've gotten that promotion if the regional manager would've heard me talking like THIS. Probably not. She probably would have called the guys in the white coats to come and get me. She probably would have called every bank and security company in the US to make sure that I don't ever get a job handling money or firearms ever again.
I love the drums so much. I love the rush. I love NAILING a great fill. I love hitting that solid groove and just goin with it. When a groove is good enough you can just play it for hours. You don't ever have to change it. Those who doubt can check out Frogs or We Want The Funk. It wouldn't matter how long those grooves lasted, they'd always be awesome.
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this....