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societyspliers

That hollow place where martyrs weep and Angels play with Sin

Member Since 2004

Followers 157 Following 181

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Friday Jan 28, 2005

Jan 28, 2005
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God, life can be such a kick in the balls. I really needed to talk to someone today but no one online or around locally. Not even a comment in my journal. I could go to the bar and play a set or stay home and play my new bass. What I really want to do is curl up, go to sleep and not bother waking up again. Seems like nothing about life has been the slightest bit fun in a couple days and even getting a new instrument is not exciting. It's like a Prozac overdose or something. don't really feel like going anywhere, and I should be more stressed, but I'm sorta just in limbo.

I think I may be blocking out my emotions. I couldn't find anyone to talk to online after work yesterday so I went to the bar and drank quite a few Tequila Mockingbirds. Sang, met some nice people, but it was all overshadowed by the bombshell phonecall I got a little after midnight.

My drunk exwife called my cell and said she needed to talk to someone that wouldn't judge her. I may have mentioned before that she lies without reason. Well, she told me she was pregnant (not by me - I tell her no constantly; she said it was by her bf she lives with. I said "Bullshit, your 42, they told you over a decade ago you probably couldn't get pregnant, and we tried several times a day for a couple years, and if you could get pregnant you would've by me or one of the other guys you thought you were fucking behind my back. But you are obviously upset abut something, and I think someone must be pregnant, but it's not you we're talking about."

She said "I'm gonna hang up now - I thought I couod talk to you without you judging me." I said "When have I ever judged you? I just stated some facts and made a speculation. So why do you hate me?"

She said "Cause you're right! You're always right. I fucking hate it and you suck."

What I had been getting at was that I thought she might be talking about my 15 year-old stepdaughter. I was right. She's pregnant. 3 months. Now I gotta talk to her, and my ex wants me there when they tell my ex-mother-in-law (a VERY fundamentalist Christian woman).

I realize she's not my biological daughter, adn I'm not even married to her mom anymore, but I have legal guardianship and besides, I Love her like my own and her father isn't even in her life and was never like a father anyway.

And there's not one fucking person around to talk to.

I repeat:

Nobody likes me; everybody hates me.
I'm going out back to eat worms.

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