I'm a comedian as well:
it's cheaper to go to the Dominican Republic on vacation than South Beach"
TRANSLATION- "We don't have much going on at home so we decided to use our American dollars to exploit women in a third world country where we will be treated like kings for a week by an impoverished woman who will suck, fuck, cook and clean for one Ben Franklin, a virtual harem if we cough up a few more."
Matt is a really sensitive guy. He helped organize "Womyn Take Back the Night." Matt calls himself a "male feminist."
TRANSLATION-"I lack any testicular fortitude. I fear women, yet want to be dominated by them. I use this subterfuge as a means to meet a 'strong' domineering woman but still haven't figured out how to seal the deal."
Beth "I ONLY date thugged out black dudes",
Jimmy "I have a thing for Asian girls."
TRANSLATION- Beth: "Ever since my parents' messy divorce, I've loved nothing more than to relish the horror in their faces when I bring a new boyfriend home."
Jimmy." I have a small penis and ethnocentric notions that Asian women are servile and will put up with a loser like me."
"I'm all about female empowerment"
TRANSLATION- "I want to put naked pictures of myself all over the Internet."
I think it's important to stay home and raise kids"
TRANSLATION- "The only reason I let this guy impregnate me in the first place is so I could quit my fucking job."
"I need my alone time "
TRANSLATION- "I don't really like my bf/gf and we have nothing in common but contempt for each other."
"I've heard so much about you!"
TRANSLATION- "your so-called friend has told me every shady thing you've ever done, and we laugh about it."
"I'm between jobs right now"
TRANSLATION- "I live with my parents"/ "I'm in drug treatment"
I think of us more as friends"
TRANSLATION "I don't think of you as a man"
"Not that I have anything against gay people"
TRANSLATION- "you better not be queer, fag."
"I don't believe in abortion"
TRANSLATION- "I am a man who thinks women are too stupid to make their own decisions"
"Islam is a religion of peace"
TRANSLATION- "I'm so fucking PC that every ounce of evidence to the contrary blows right past me because someone might be offended by the truth."
"I like animals more than people"
TRANSLATION- "I don't have any friends except Mr. Whiskers." as you bite into a burger.
"I have a slow metabolism"
TRANSLATION- "The reason it's so slow is the constant amount of hidden cookies I keep stuffing my face with when you aren't looking."
"I'm a pacifist"
TRANSLATION- "I was raised with such soft, upper middle class values that everything was just handed to me. I fail to realize that my grandfather had to put his boot up some Kraut's ass to enable me these luxuries."
"I've never done this before."
TRANSLATION- "Yes I have, you aren't that special, I do this every weekend but since I grew up religious I feel slightly guilty so saying that enables me to save face."
it's cheaper to go to the Dominican Republic on vacation than South Beach"
TRANSLATION- "We don't have much going on at home so we decided to use our American dollars to exploit women in a third world country where we will be treated like kings for a week by an impoverished woman who will suck, fuck, cook and clean for one Ben Franklin, a virtual harem if we cough up a few more."
Matt is a really sensitive guy. He helped organize "Womyn Take Back the Night." Matt calls himself a "male feminist."
TRANSLATION-"I lack any testicular fortitude. I fear women, yet want to be dominated by them. I use this subterfuge as a means to meet a 'strong' domineering woman but still haven't figured out how to seal the deal."
Beth "I ONLY date thugged out black dudes",
Jimmy "I have a thing for Asian girls."
TRANSLATION- Beth: "Ever since my parents' messy divorce, I've loved nothing more than to relish the horror in their faces when I bring a new boyfriend home."
Jimmy." I have a small penis and ethnocentric notions that Asian women are servile and will put up with a loser like me."
"I'm all about female empowerment"
TRANSLATION- "I want to put naked pictures of myself all over the Internet."
I think it's important to stay home and raise kids"
TRANSLATION- "The only reason I let this guy impregnate me in the first place is so I could quit my fucking job."
"I need my alone time "
TRANSLATION- "I don't really like my bf/gf and we have nothing in common but contempt for each other."
"I've heard so much about you!"
TRANSLATION- "your so-called friend has told me every shady thing you've ever done, and we laugh about it."
"I'm between jobs right now"
TRANSLATION- "I live with my parents"/ "I'm in drug treatment"
I think of us more as friends"
TRANSLATION "I don't think of you as a man"
"Not that I have anything against gay people"
TRANSLATION- "you better not be queer, fag."
"I don't believe in abortion"
TRANSLATION- "I am a man who thinks women are too stupid to make their own decisions"
"Islam is a religion of peace"
TRANSLATION- "I'm so fucking PC that every ounce of evidence to the contrary blows right past me because someone might be offended by the truth."
"I like animals more than people"
TRANSLATION- "I don't have any friends except Mr. Whiskers." as you bite into a burger.
"I have a slow metabolism"
TRANSLATION- "The reason it's so slow is the constant amount of hidden cookies I keep stuffing my face with when you aren't looking."
"I'm a pacifist"
TRANSLATION- "I was raised with such soft, upper middle class values that everything was just handed to me. I fail to realize that my grandfather had to put his boot up some Kraut's ass to enable me these luxuries."
"I've never done this before."
TRANSLATION- "Yes I have, you aren't that special, I do this every weekend but since I grew up religious I feel slightly guilty so saying that enables me to save face."