snowwhitesuicide

I've been pretty out of it recently, so to everyone who left me awesome comments, I want to thank you again.

I spent a week in the hospital recently, after a chain of events that some would call pseudo-romantic, and others would call pseudo-psychotic. I'd prefer to go with the former... but that is just my take on it.
About two months ago my boyfriend and I broke up... almost 2 years together. He is the one guy that I would have promised Forever to. It was a situation of "just give me the word, and I'm yours, until death do us part." I'm a jealous person, though, and I have a tendency to overreact. One of those moments of overreaction resulted in a "maybe we just shouldn't be together anymore."
As it turns out, this time he decided to agree with me.

I keep on coming back to the question "why is it that I could have all of my exes back if I so desired, except for this one man to whom I am hopelessly devoted?"
That may be a selfish thought, but it is the thought that I keep having.

I have been trying to pull myself back together and get back into my sense of self, but I have been having a hard time. You know, everyone experiences loss. Everyone goes through this. I guess, eventually I will move on... But this pain is crippling, at the moment, and I don't know how to make things better.

A few weeks ago, in that pseudo-romantic act of desperation, I slit my wrists in my bathtub, after taking a handful of sedatives. I figured that if he came to save me, maybe he would love me again and I would get the chance to fix this mess that I've made of Us. And, I figured, if I died there, then what was the point of living without him in that life with me?
In all reality, I wasn't going to die. I'd have gotten bored eventually, gotten up, and taped myself together.
Moved on with life only a little more scarred and a little more broken.
He did come, though, to save me.
He brought with him an ambulance, and consequentially my stay in the hospital.
He also said that he never wanted to see me again.

I have seen him since then, but we exist in this state of limbo where the question of "what are we?" is constantly on my mind. In order to preserve what is left of my sanity, I said to him that if we're not going to work on making this right then I can't have him in my life.
He wished me well, and we haven't spoken since.

That is where I am right now. Trying to figure out how to move past this pain. Trying to fill my time so that it is at least less noticeable. It is just baffling to me how we got like this. I just can't seem to comprehend that he really doesn't want this anymore. How can you love somebody so much and then one day just not anymore? Or, maybe, "its not that I don't love you anymore... It would be so much more accurate to say I never loved you in the first place."

I have been looking forward to shooting a new set. The dreadies are getting tighter, and I'm going to dye them again-- a dark red with black randomates throughout. It will look awesome. I have a lot of ideas floating around, as far as getting naked in front of the camera is concerned. Summertime is the perfect time to take off your clothes! And, I am getting new ink in a little over a week... I've been looking forward to this piece, on my inner arm, for quite some time, and I finally have the meager funding to make it a reality.
That is super exciting to me.

So, forgive my absence. I have been looking in member review, and seeing some awesome things! Leaving comments as is appropriate, believe you me. And, I'll slowly be getting back into things as I try to pull myself together.

Much love, SG world! Much love!