snowballinhell

BE WARNED: THIS IS A NOVEL! Read on only if you want to know more about my life so far

This year I shall try and be a do'er instead of a dreamer I'm the ultimate girl with her head in the clouds and that's probably why I'm in the mess I am

I can spend a whole day just sitting staring at the clouds watching them form shapes, separate and move apart. I can spend a whole day just staring into space in a world of my own, one where I'm not like I am now, my concept of me in my dream world is a fit, slim size 10 with no stretch marks or flabby bits who is happy with life and all that surrounds her.

I've always been a dreamer and in a world of my own though, that's the problem with being a bit of an introvert, I've never felt part of the gang, I'm crap at remembering things trivial (hence why I'm useless at Trivial Pursuit!) but I'm quick at learning something that may be useful at the time, but useless sometime later

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong in having dreams, we all need them, but I need to stop thinking that mine will all come true

Thanks to bateman for making me remember the 80's I was a 70's child, born at the beginning of the decade, and brought up with Rainbow, Bod, Will O' The Wisp, Mr Benn and Crystal Tipps & Alistair, Blake's 7 and Doctor Who. I was subjected to Abba, Brotherhood of Man and Chet Atkins, aswell as Navy marching bands

My teen years were spent in the 80's, namely 1984 when I turned 13, the year I took up smoking and became involved in my first real serious relationship. I d that boy like my heart would break, and it ultimately did when his family moved to Dorset in 1985, now all I know is that he is into religion in a BIG way having taken a degree in Theology. 1984 also saw me having plenty of meaningless schoolgirl crushes, a three month relationship with a guy that I now still see regularly for days out exploring and photographing monoliths and megaliths, but never taking up with anyone else until 1986 when I lost my virginity aged 15 to the 18 year old I was working with. We spent the next year in an on-off relationship mainly because my parents couldn't stand the sight of him Then I met my husband-to-be and the rest they say is history, not forgetting of course that I haven't been an angel or a saint throughout my marriage. One 11 month affair 4.5 years ago will remain a happy part of my life forever, and of course I now have my beautiful children after a couple of years of heartache. My marriage though is at an end, I've changed too much over the past 5 years, and know now that what I wanted back when I said my vows was an excuse to get out of home, so I married the first guy that asked and that I thought I was truly in with because my folks thought the world of him, and still do. It's so sad really, because I know he still s me but my feelings towards him have changed irrepairably and all I want now is to change my life so that my debt is cleared, and I can then move on with the boys and out of the unhappy situation I'm in now.

I gave up a lot for my marriage including my job and all my friends at the time as we moved because of his military career. Ultimately I guess I knew even back then that I wouldn't ever be truly happy, but I knew I had to try and make things work and that maybe I was just being that silly little girl with her head still in the clouds, wanting it all but without the responsibilities. I always believed in a fairytale ending where everyone lives happily ever after, and now I know that that doesn't exist.

So I now have to make my own destiny and that brings me back to my first statement, I need to be a do'er this year. I need to get money coming into my account, to clear both overdrafts, and to start clearing the other loans and cards that sit shouting at me each month as I look at the account and see nothing to pay them with. I need to stop staring at the clouds every day and just get my head down and work. (all cash donations gratefully appreciated )

Then, just maybe then, I'll have some spare cash to come pester anaphalaxis and bateman in London, and tantra666 in Manchester sometime this year.

I turn 34 this year but inside I'm still in my 20's My kids turn 4 in 13 days and I them more than anything else in this world, I'll kill and die for them and them alone.

If you've got this far, then I applaud you for having the staying power to read it all This is just a glimpse into my life and where I'm at now.

Thanks for being here for me guys and gals, you may never truly know what you all mean to me

Smooches
Michelle xx