snow

i don't care.
i have boyfriends
sifting through the dirt
you can't look me in the eyes
i smoke alone...in the hallway, by the bathroom, in the corner
the doorbell rings
i wear yellow every day and it bothers me
it is simple
it is complicated
it smells like chaos, between my teeth, with my lips slightly parted
you keep trying to grab my hair
not long enough
she breeds with her tears

if at the end of my words, i just hit delete, there will be nothing left.
it begins with my departure. 400 miles the minimum.
two bags full of shit. the medium size, olive green bowling bag. i am still unsure about the smaller blue one.
the bag that the salesman on the airplane looks at. he remembers 1966. his mother was a secretary.
"do you like pills?" do you see well without them? can you still hear her moaning when you wake up, gagging and choking?
i want you to fly down to see me in december. dump whiskey in the sand and discuss integrity.

...........
my stomach aches from being sober. cranberry juice goes just as well with water. it feels good to eat spinach and get eight hours of sleep. tonight is about black knee high boots and jean mini skirts. my friend just opened his bar in this small town where i hide out. 15th and mill plain, west of the 5. i'm trying to get something going down there, once a week, where we can hang out...smash beer bottles over peoples heads, the usual. i just need to get out of the house and have healthy conversations. i miss laughing with a crowd of strangers.

if i haven't wrote you back, it isn't because i'm being a complete bitch. i just don't get on here very much...i have a lot of shit going on. for every email i get that criticizes me, i get an amazing email from a girl who tells me that i have inspired her to feel comfortable with her body. don't stop writing your drunken poems at 3am, that you don't want anyone else to see. you know who you are, you get me through the next day.