sneakypie

so i have a huge post to put here, watch out. also, if you dislike when people discuss/acknowledge iossues they have, don't read.

note: lauren is my roomate.


ok, so, yesterday, i almost got sent to some kind of institution.

i am not fucking kidding you. i called my school's couseling center cuz i wanted to see if they had any sooner appointments. i made one last week, i told them i wanted study skills help, like a group, or a mentor, or even a counselor, and that i thought i had some mild depression issues to discuss. i talked to a lady named laura, and that was cool, but they didn't have any appointments for practically two weeks.

so i called yesterday, and talked to a new person named corey [my god, can't you get yourself a grown up lady-type name? shee-it.] and she couldn't find the paper they filled out on me last time, so she asked me aaaaaall the questions again. a bunch of them are about cutting/suicide since i think that's their main concern. and i don't know if i said this to her or another person, but my dumbass had to quip "seems like you gotta be lacerated to get any time around here". well, it does. mistake #1. and i said that i'm extremely stressed and need help now, cuz i do, and that i had been bulimic but i'm not anymore, even under the high stress levels, and i'm worried that it'll come out in some other abusive way. i even said that i had though about cutting once or twice, even got out a little pen-knife once, but i'd never done it. i didn't even scratch myself. i made it quite clear that i did not want to cut myself. she said ok, sounded normal, asked me where i lived on campus, and i told her. a second after, a thought hit and i asked her why she inquired. and she said "well, in case we need to send someone by to check on you." i kind of laughed it off and said that i thought that was pretty invasive. we hung up after she promised to call back and tell me if she'd found an earlier appointment.

she calls back, and tells me that somebody can see me today. [last night] i'm non-plussed, i know they close at 5 and it's quarter of. and then she says that they can't have anybody over at mccomas after 5, so i'll have to go meet them at the police station. that nagging little warning! sound is starting to go off in the back of my head. i remind her that i told her about the math test i have tomorrow [today] and that i had planned on studying so that i didn't feel like a complete wreck, and that i actually had a schedule worked out. but she's really persistant, asking me if i know where the police station is, and she's trying to read the map with her dustbunny brain, and i keep saying "yeah, but, i really would rather just wait til tomorrow...you said there was an 8am i could take.." and she keeps on dithering til she finally works it out and that's when i say "look, i'm sorry, but you're still talking about this like i'm going to do it, when i've made it pretty clear that i'm not." gentle, but firm. i'm thinking, the walk through the small woods to the station is creepy, and my friend has been accosted by weirdos there in broad daylight. i need to study. i'd rather do it tomorrow morning, when i don't have this test hanging over my head. that's a slight pause, and she says in a slightly weird voice "well, if you don't want to walk, i could have someone come and pick you up.."

danger! danger! danger!

"...you mean a police car?" yep. "are you telling me this is something i have to do?"
"well, based on what you told me, i was worried that you might not be safe tonight..."
"wha--? well, yeah i'm going to be safe! my roomate is going to be here with me the whole night! if anything sharp even went near my arms she'd--"
"well, based on what you told me---"
i'm starting to shock. i tell her how much i don't like this, i remind her that i had never said that i'd even contemplated suicide, just that i'd thought about cutting, in an abstract Id sort of way! i wasn't about to open any damn arteries! well, i guess that made it sound to her like i had some kind of plan. i even reminded her that i'd had the opportunity to cut, and didn't, because i don't want to. while i realize i called her for help, this was not what i was looking for, or needed.

man, in a big way it was not what i needed. i'm two baby-steps away from going into histrionics on the phone, i cannot believe i had this pulled on me, when i decide to calm down. i say, sure, send the car, at least i won't have to walk. i hang up, and tell lauren what's happening while i'm starting to cry buckets. what the hell is going on??? i ask lauren if she'll come with me, because at this point i've got they're coming to take me away! playing in my mind, and thank god she said she would. i figure i'd better start looking as un-hysterical as possible and wash my face, when the phone rings. it was corey again, wanting to let me know that she hadn't given them a call yet, but that if i wasn't down there waiting for and approaching the car they would have to come into my building to get me. i said "yeah, i figured that part out." now i am just pissed, and incredibly annoyed and high-strung.

so the guy comes, and at least he's in an unmarked car, but that makes us unsure whether to approach or not. he says to get on in, and he's just friendly as can be, and that's a fucking 12-gauge holstered in the seat i'm about to sit in. once we're in, he says "scuse me, i have to call this in on my radio" and proceeds to inform somebody that he's transporting two white females, small build, and they should expect him in 5min27s.

i think he was pretty accurate on time. and he was very nice the whole time, and i tried to be polite back. but that's hard when all you can think is damn you, you sneaky, sneaky bitch. so inside the station, we meet the mark guy that i have to talk to convince that i won't kill myself-- tonight, anyways. and we get settled in an office, and then there's silence. he's just leaning back in his chair, looking at me, and i'm wondering if he's on ludes. "so...why are you here?" he's a slow talker. and i'm in a bad mood. i just stare at him, and manage to sputter a huh? he smiles a little, and then pauses, for like another minute. then he asks why i'm here again, and i tell him i have no idea. this is what our whole conversation is like. every 3-5 minutes he'll repeat a question, and eventually i figured he must have been trying to trip me up. but i swear i felt like i was in some kind of time loop, because every time he did it, i'd try to say "but didn't i answer that 5 questions ago? i feel like i'm on crazy pills!" luckily, the last part was never said because i couldn't stutter past "but di--". and i'd look over at lauren to see if she'd noticed it too, but she didn't catch my glance because she was giving this guy the most powerful Stinkeye i'd ever seen her do. it was actually a little scary. of course, by the end of it i was mad too, because my chin was doing that thing where i'm sucking through my lower teeth so hard that it's hard to talk.

and guess what? we came to the conclusion that no, i was not a danger to myself or others! and he felt the need to to enlighten me that this had been a "kind of evaluation to see if i need to be hospitalized". i swear, i nearly BARKED at this man. i said "yeah! picked up on that!" what a fucktard. and at the end he asked if i would be ok just coming in on friday, and i said yeah, and then he turned to lauren and asked if she was ok with the plan. she folded her hands very quietly on her lap and sat up and said "i think this has put [me] through a lot of unnecessary panic. i know that she has been very stressed lately, but i don't think that this whole police trip was needed." i lauren.