snakeplissken

I've been noticing a definent cycle in regards to my anxiety and it's flares. First off, I'm an avoidant type when it comes to my stressors. I avoid the triggers, push them away, and force them down. That's been my cure with nearly everything, but I'm finding it just makes it worse. I have the temporary ease, but then the anxiety builds and comes to a head. At that point everything becomes a trigger. And not only that, when I'm in that frame of mind I tend to start over thinking and trudging up past shit in my minds eye. So that being said I need to start confronting situations when they occur instead of filing them away.

So I went ahead and filed for unemployment. I should have filed right after I got laid off, but I suppose pride got a little in the way of that. But it's been swallowed because I don't really have any other choice. Food stamp application goes in tomorrow. I should qualify easily for that. I just want to find some employment. Anything really, as long as it pays the bills. I'm not above scrubbing toilets for a living either. Been there, done that.

So my hope is to make it until work starts back up and then save every penny I have so I can move closer towards portland. Frankly I think it's the only way I'll find a job. Corvallis is awesome, but with no real industry and 30,000 college students available jobs become scarce. I might look at selling my car as well to fund it. Anyone want a really cool 66 VW Beetle?

I need to get my ass back out and running seriously again; knock that holiday weight off and more. Pretty much gave up on the dream of being socially acceptable thin though. I'm destined to be a bigger guy and that's ok. It's just my frame type. Previously I had a goal to wear an XL shirt again and while I made it they were always uncomfortable because they didn't ever fit across the shoulders, chest, and biceps. So I'll stick to 2xl and be ok with it.

Giving up some on the online dating. I don't think it's going to give me anything but a battered ego. That shit seems more and more to be based on the immediate impression more than anything and I don't exactly have the physical traits that make me a hot item. That's ok though, I've been single pretty much my whole life so I'm fairly used to it. But I'll keep my eyes open.

Enjoy the Super Bowl! I'm making country style ribs, some homemade mac salad, and some battered fries. Not healthy, but who gives a shit? I've got a keg of trippel on tap and half a bottle of cheap whiskey to go with it. Booya.

FARTS!