So the last few months I've slipped a bit off the health wagon again. Running less, eating worse, and drinking a whole lot more than I should. I need to get back to it and quit crying over spilled milk. It's tough, though, when it feels like I've gone from having everything in my life lining up the way I've always wanted it to having it spiral back down in a storm of bad luck and unfortunate circumstances. I haven't gained back any weight or size, but I feel a lot shittier in general. I do blame a lot of that on my tendency to internalize my stress and anxiety until it becomes a physical manifestation.
Stomach problems tends to the main thing. My old gut just aches most of the time and my appetite isn't for shit. Probably why I haven't gained much back. I went to brunch with friends a few sundays ago and I had to skip eating the night before so I could have some appetite to eat something there. Weird, huh? The other thing that tends to happen is night sweats. I can go to bed in the coldest room and still I'll wake up during the night completely soaked. Not "eww I'm a little gross" but "did I piss myself" wet. Like I got hit with a bucket of water. Granted it hasn't been awhile since that happened, but when it does it scares me a little. I know that shit ain't right, and I'd see a doctor but I no medical insurance + being poor = not fucking happening.
My roommate/mooch left in July to go to Denver for a month or so. Haven't seen him since. I think he's most likely going to stay gone since he hasn't called or mentioned coming back. I should probably be excited to have him leave as I've really been the one paying the majority of the bills due to his inability to find and hold a job for any real period of time, but in reality I'm scared. I know that sounds weird, but I don't do well living alone. Depression and anxiety for me are triggered by loneliness and boredom, and being alone all the time really makes those feelings surge. I lived alone from 2004-2007 and it was a really bad time in life for me. I drank so much I shook when I didn't and my grasp on life was tenuous at best. I guess I'm afraid I'll slip back into that. The last time I was there I had help getting out of it, but she isn't a part of my life anymore. Now it's up to me not to go back there. And while I have been doing well at avoiding the temptation to just say fuck it and crawl back into a bottle the thought is always there, and that makes me nervous.
But like all things I think this will pass. The bad always does. And if I can pick myself up without help maybe it'll be what I need to completely shake my problems. I'm going to try, but I know it's going to be tough. I might stumble a few times, but if I keep getting back up maybe I'll eventually see that goal line on the horizon. I hope so, I really do.
I want to thank those of you who have chosen to give me support in my life on this site. I've felt a lot like another face in the crowd here and it helps to hear that there are people out there that have been listening and care about me. More than you'll know really.
Stomach problems tends to the main thing. My old gut just aches most of the time and my appetite isn't for shit. Probably why I haven't gained much back. I went to brunch with friends a few sundays ago and I had to skip eating the night before so I could have some appetite to eat something there. Weird, huh? The other thing that tends to happen is night sweats. I can go to bed in the coldest room and still I'll wake up during the night completely soaked. Not "eww I'm a little gross" but "did I piss myself" wet. Like I got hit with a bucket of water. Granted it hasn't been awhile since that happened, but when it does it scares me a little. I know that shit ain't right, and I'd see a doctor but I no medical insurance + being poor = not fucking happening.
My roommate/mooch left in July to go to Denver for a month or so. Haven't seen him since. I think he's most likely going to stay gone since he hasn't called or mentioned coming back. I should probably be excited to have him leave as I've really been the one paying the majority of the bills due to his inability to find and hold a job for any real period of time, but in reality I'm scared. I know that sounds weird, but I don't do well living alone. Depression and anxiety for me are triggered by loneliness and boredom, and being alone all the time really makes those feelings surge. I lived alone from 2004-2007 and it was a really bad time in life for me. I drank so much I shook when I didn't and my grasp on life was tenuous at best. I guess I'm afraid I'll slip back into that. The last time I was there I had help getting out of it, but she isn't a part of my life anymore. Now it's up to me not to go back there. And while I have been doing well at avoiding the temptation to just say fuck it and crawl back into a bottle the thought is always there, and that makes me nervous.
But like all things I think this will pass. The bad always does. And if I can pick myself up without help maybe it'll be what I need to completely shake my problems. I'm going to try, but I know it's going to be tough. I might stumble a few times, but if I keep getting back up maybe I'll eventually see that goal line on the horizon. I hope so, I really do.
I want to thank those of you who have chosen to give me support in my life on this site. I've felt a lot like another face in the crowd here and it helps to hear that there are people out there that have been listening and care about me. More than you'll know really.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
sox88:
We're usually pretty good at letting things sit. We're planning on sending this batch out as Christmas presents, so we can't drink to much. We've had ourselves a couple good sips, but we're sticking with that. We'll taste it again when the secondary is done. Looks like we might have to use a clarifying agent though, it's still pretty cloudy. We'll see how it goes. It's already up at 10% alcohol, with a lot of sugar left. By the time it's done we're expecting around 15%. I can't wait to do another batch next year and see if we can make it even better. We'll have to get together sometime and do some brewing of our own. Brewing is always more fun with more people. Definitely up for meeting at Block 15, and if you can't swing that, coffee works too.
1sailor:
I never have much appetite either(probably from drinking beer} but try to eat healthy foods anyway. Night sweats are a concern but may not mean anything. I hope that your health gets better.