After some kind words from friends and strangers I decided for now I'm going to stay. Or at least try to. Maybe to prove I'm strong enough to myself or maybe because I just don't have anywhere else to go. I don't know.
Am I better? No. Quite the contrary actually. I'm about as sad as I've ever been in my entire life. As sad as I was five or six years ago which is really scaring the hell out of me considering at that time I was a completely self-destructive alcoholic. I'm probably going to need a LOT of love and support for quite some time, which is hard because I don't really have anyone in my day to day life; All my friends are 100 miles away, and what is left of my family is even further.
Trying to forget the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with doesn't happen overnight. I suppose I'll get over my broken heart, but not without more scars and an even more bitter outlook on life. I'm proud of myself for trying to be normal and pursue love, but I think maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Mom's joked for years about me being a victim of "The Family Curse", and I often laughed it off, but I really don't think it's funny anymore. I know I'm a grown man and we're supposed to be strong, but right now I'd kill for someone to just hold me for about a whole day.
I think it's time I start re-evaluating my life. Where I want it to go. What I want to do with it, if anything. The first thing is school. I think I'm done with pursuing a Bachelor's and minor. It's four years of food science stuff and a year of brewing, which is really what I'm interested in. I don't give a shit about the food science part, so why go through all the classes and accrue all the debt when I can finish a few classes, have my AAS, and get to work brewing. I'll have the knowledge I need without all the extra debt. And quite frankly I don't know if I can hack finishing up the BA. If I don't care about the classes I don't do well. It's science.
I should probably start on eating better as well to help along my weight loss. It's hard for me to though. Food is my security blanket, and it's difficult to feel all warm and snuggly cozying up to a fucking garden salad. Maybe I'll just try to improve a little, one meal at a time. Eat a little less, eat a little better, slowly and surely.
Thanks to everyone who wished me well. It means a lot. Please keep doing it.
Am I better? No. Quite the contrary actually. I'm about as sad as I've ever been in my entire life. As sad as I was five or six years ago which is really scaring the hell out of me considering at that time I was a completely self-destructive alcoholic. I'm probably going to need a LOT of love and support for quite some time, which is hard because I don't really have anyone in my day to day life; All my friends are 100 miles away, and what is left of my family is even further.
Trying to forget the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with doesn't happen overnight. I suppose I'll get over my broken heart, but not without more scars and an even more bitter outlook on life. I'm proud of myself for trying to be normal and pursue love, but I think maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Mom's joked for years about me being a victim of "The Family Curse", and I often laughed it off, but I really don't think it's funny anymore. I know I'm a grown man and we're supposed to be strong, but right now I'd kill for someone to just hold me for about a whole day.
I think it's time I start re-evaluating my life. Where I want it to go. What I want to do with it, if anything. The first thing is school. I think I'm done with pursuing a Bachelor's and minor. It's four years of food science stuff and a year of brewing, which is really what I'm interested in. I don't give a shit about the food science part, so why go through all the classes and accrue all the debt when I can finish a few classes, have my AAS, and get to work brewing. I'll have the knowledge I need without all the extra debt. And quite frankly I don't know if I can hack finishing up the BA. If I don't care about the classes I don't do well. It's science.
I should probably start on eating better as well to help along my weight loss. It's hard for me to though. Food is my security blanket, and it's difficult to feel all warm and snuggly cozying up to a fucking garden salad. Maybe I'll just try to improve a little, one meal at a time. Eat a little less, eat a little better, slowly and surely.
Thanks to everyone who wished me well. It means a lot. Please keep doing it.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
silversurfer:
Hey, I'm glad to hear that you're staying on SG.
doxie:
Good song...