i havent been blogging alot, nothing has really happened school.. then work then school then back to work not much going out lately. stupid shit happening
on a good note i got a shiny new diagnosis for my crazy brain, now they think im bipolar i guess it fits better then depression. i have all the cool atypical symptoms *read as not cool at all and really fustrating* most people dont realize whats going on because its im so internalized but whatever. i get ALL the paranoia and its gotten worse over the years, it was actually not nearly as bad as when i was partying all the time. I guess in my mind nothing was wrong because if i was anxious or paranoid or hallucinating it was all the drugs right? thats what i told myself anyway, even though i have been like this for as long as i can remember. my brain sucks i want a new one. the worst part is when i get really bad panic attacks because of the paranoia i know its completely irrationality but that dosent help, for instance i drink a 24 oz coffee and a redbul then i feel a little funny. someone deffinitly drugged my coffee, not woops to much caffine on no sleep and an empty stomach. nope i was drugged at wawa. or people are standing outside near my house (there is a bar right acrossed the street and the bus runs down our street) they arent standing there talking and smoking nope, in my head they are going to break into my house and slit my throat. yep really stupid i know. im glad i have my logic now to at least kind of calm myself down. what happens when that logical part of my brain stops working?
so now i have new medicine to calm my ass down and stop me from getting over the top blind rage angry- like i am right now. this medicine looks like it treats everything, like seriously i have a pamphlet it knows all. im on an itty bitty baby dose and the generic. now i dont have insurance (more on that in a min) but even if i did insurance wouldnt cover it anyway. EXPENSIVE AS FUCK for cereal 116 bucks for 45 pills. you would think that medicine to treat the crazies would be cheaper, i really should be running around unmedicated and neither should people with more sever conditions. it fucking blows so 65 for therapy every other week 75 for the psychiatrist every month and 116 for meds every 45 days. fuck you brain for being wrong and stupid *shakes fist*
and back to insurance being bullshit, i dont live with my mom anymore but because i am back in school i should be eligable to be on my moms insurance but... dun dun dah i have to many medical problems and they denied me coverage. sweet deal. how the fuck can you deny a 21 year old medical coveradge because of too many health problems. im not that sick, im not dying, and i dont have any chronic conditions anytime my primary care dr finds something wierd i get sent around to 10 different specialists to find out why im weird and they never find anything important. so no insurance for me and i have to pay everything out of pocket. funtimes! candada sounds better and better everyday! universal healthcare? umm sign me up i like the cold, and curling, and i can lean the words to o canada. i think this is a good plan.
oh and lets add to the lets take a shit on america parade i saw this yesterday... i think it might be old news but still
fucking ridiculous my new goal in life is to get arrested for doing nothing wrong, like seriously just sightseeing and looking weird. but when i say weird i mean really fucking weird it will be awesome.
sorry for the long ass rant post, i am really really pissed right now. like you know how someone makes you mad for something they did that they know bothers you, but dosent aknowledge it and then dosent know why youre mad? and they really really REALLY should know why you are mad. i think the fact that they either dont know or are pretending not to is pissing me off more then the actual action. anyone else feel the same way about shit like that?
well anyway here is a picture yay!
on a good note i got a shiny new diagnosis for my crazy brain, now they think im bipolar i guess it fits better then depression. i have all the cool atypical symptoms *read as not cool at all and really fustrating* most people dont realize whats going on because its im so internalized but whatever. i get ALL the paranoia and its gotten worse over the years, it was actually not nearly as bad as when i was partying all the time. I guess in my mind nothing was wrong because if i was anxious or paranoid or hallucinating it was all the drugs right? thats what i told myself anyway, even though i have been like this for as long as i can remember. my brain sucks i want a new one. the worst part is when i get really bad panic attacks because of the paranoia i know its completely irrationality but that dosent help, for instance i drink a 24 oz coffee and a redbul then i feel a little funny. someone deffinitly drugged my coffee, not woops to much caffine on no sleep and an empty stomach. nope i was drugged at wawa. or people are standing outside near my house (there is a bar right acrossed the street and the bus runs down our street) they arent standing there talking and smoking nope, in my head they are going to break into my house and slit my throat. yep really stupid i know. im glad i have my logic now to at least kind of calm myself down. what happens when that logical part of my brain stops working?
so now i have new medicine to calm my ass down and stop me from getting over the top blind rage angry- like i am right now. this medicine looks like it treats everything, like seriously i have a pamphlet it knows all. im on an itty bitty baby dose and the generic. now i dont have insurance (more on that in a min) but even if i did insurance wouldnt cover it anyway. EXPENSIVE AS FUCK for cereal 116 bucks for 45 pills. you would think that medicine to treat the crazies would be cheaper, i really should be running around unmedicated and neither should people with more sever conditions. it fucking blows so 65 for therapy every other week 75 for the psychiatrist every month and 116 for meds every 45 days. fuck you brain for being wrong and stupid *shakes fist*
and back to insurance being bullshit, i dont live with my mom anymore but because i am back in school i should be eligable to be on my moms insurance but... dun dun dah i have to many medical problems and they denied me coverage. sweet deal. how the fuck can you deny a 21 year old medical coveradge because of too many health problems. im not that sick, im not dying, and i dont have any chronic conditions anytime my primary care dr finds something wierd i get sent around to 10 different specialists to find out why im weird and they never find anything important. so no insurance for me and i have to pay everything out of pocket. funtimes! candada sounds better and better everyday! universal healthcare? umm sign me up i like the cold, and curling, and i can lean the words to o canada. i think this is a good plan.
oh and lets add to the lets take a shit on america parade i saw this yesterday... i think it might be old news but still
fucking ridiculous my new goal in life is to get arrested for doing nothing wrong, like seriously just sightseeing and looking weird. but when i say weird i mean really fucking weird it will be awesome.
sorry for the long ass rant post, i am really really pissed right now. like you know how someone makes you mad for something they did that they know bothers you, but dosent aknowledge it and then dosent know why youre mad? and they really really REALLY should know why you are mad. i think the fact that they either dont know or are pretending not to is pissing me off more then the actual action. anyone else feel the same way about shit like that?
well anyway here is a picture yay!
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Super cute pic of you BTW!