This is a jornal right? So I get to put shit in here like my insecurities and weaknesses? How about I'll just put in here what I'm feeling right now...
I feel like a wounded animal that's licked it's wounds into infectious putrid sores...To become the best of my ability I try and examine myself every chance I get. To better everything in me, and not be insecure to the tenth power. But it's hard to believe in myself when no one is on my side. I feel like a concubine lusting after everything that I cannot have. Everything that I cannot be.
I saw a video that I think was the music viid to the new NiN song. I like the song, I like the video. It's simple and real. I think most people would get bored of it. But when I saw it at Rocky Horror tonight, it made me think. If you watch how Trent Reznor acts, you can plainly see the bi-polarism inside him. It's in the way the words trickle out of his mouth. How his body releases every jolt and scream. How no matter how much it hurts you need to scream it out, to make the pain go away.
It hit me really hard today how much it still hurts from loosing my best-friend. To clarify, my best-friend and I had a fight and he basically thinks I'm a horrible person because he's angry. He's angry that I saw he's dating a girl that hurts him. That he's diluting himself to become some one he isn't. Maybe it's the age, the 'time in his life'. I don't know. It's been a month and a half and I haven't heard anything from him. I don't wish him harm, I just want him to get thru whatever is bothering him. I want him to find a light at whatever dark tunnel he is spiralling in.
Tonight I also realized...I'm lonely. And it's my fault. I can't open up and be who I need to be. My serrated edges of my comfort zone stick out to prick anyone trying to get in. When so many people throw you away like a used condom, how do you act? Are you going to trust new people? Because it's going to be twice as hard. Letting them in costs a price. Letting them in costs a fee of a great friendship. Being a part of me costs you part of you so I know you're real.
I only have 1 friend that's a girl.
I've had a crush on a guy for 2 years now.
I've thicken my otter layer. I've started to form a wax-like exterior so the little things don't send me into a tizzy like they use to. I've mellowed out a fuck load but still seem to be strung to tightly in some areas. Stabily is too much to ask for because you're suppose to keep go growing ang learning and evolving forever...right?
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain --NiN
Tomorrow is Easter and another family holiday that's going to suck as much ass as Christmas. So Happy Dead Guy On A Stick Day
Last night my body was aching in 15 different ways. So I took a bathe with lavender do hopefully feel better. The stram and how tired I was, made everything seem surreal. I could feel the energy slip out of my fingers into the bathroom. I could sense how close my hands where to my body and how far they stretched out. It almost felt magical.
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Count the bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
--A Perfect Circle
I feel like a wounded animal that's licked it's wounds into infectious putrid sores...To become the best of my ability I try and examine myself every chance I get. To better everything in me, and not be insecure to the tenth power. But it's hard to believe in myself when no one is on my side. I feel like a concubine lusting after everything that I cannot have. Everything that I cannot be.
I saw a video that I think was the music viid to the new NiN song. I like the song, I like the video. It's simple and real. I think most people would get bored of it. But when I saw it at Rocky Horror tonight, it made me think. If you watch how Trent Reznor acts, you can plainly see the bi-polarism inside him. It's in the way the words trickle out of his mouth. How his body releases every jolt and scream. How no matter how much it hurts you need to scream it out, to make the pain go away.
It hit me really hard today how much it still hurts from loosing my best-friend. To clarify, my best-friend and I had a fight and he basically thinks I'm a horrible person because he's angry. He's angry that I saw he's dating a girl that hurts him. That he's diluting himself to become some one he isn't. Maybe it's the age, the 'time in his life'. I don't know. It's been a month and a half and I haven't heard anything from him. I don't wish him harm, I just want him to get thru whatever is bothering him. I want him to find a light at whatever dark tunnel he is spiralling in.
Tonight I also realized...I'm lonely. And it's my fault. I can't open up and be who I need to be. My serrated edges of my comfort zone stick out to prick anyone trying to get in. When so many people throw you away like a used condom, how do you act? Are you going to trust new people? Because it's going to be twice as hard. Letting them in costs a price. Letting them in costs a fee of a great friendship. Being a part of me costs you part of you so I know you're real.
I only have 1 friend that's a girl.
I've had a crush on a guy for 2 years now.
I've thicken my otter layer. I've started to form a wax-like exterior so the little things don't send me into a tizzy like they use to. I've mellowed out a fuck load but still seem to be strung to tightly in some areas. Stabily is too much to ask for because you're suppose to keep go growing ang learning and evolving forever...right?
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain --NiN
Tomorrow is Easter and another family holiday that's going to suck as much ass as Christmas. So Happy Dead Guy On A Stick Day
Last night my body was aching in 15 different ways. So I took a bathe with lavender do hopefully feel better. The stram and how tired I was, made everything seem surreal. I could feel the energy slip out of my fingers into the bathroom. I could sense how close my hands where to my body and how far they stretched out. It almost felt magical.
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Count the bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
--A Perfect Circle
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
lil_billy_ben:
Hope ya feel better. 
nightvixen:
i'm sorry......... 