So I've recently discovered that good old SG Homework is open to everyone to take part in, so I was just itching for a chance to dig into the next one, and I really couldn't have asked for a more fun topic. Just remember that I'm a storyteller by trade, so it's wordy but I promise it's worth it (Plus... Pictures!!!)
Now it's not 'the first kiss', just 'a first kiss'. I'm not going to tell you about my first kiss, if I were to tell you that story you'd see it's really not all that exciting, I kinda fell into it.
How does one fall into a first kiss? It's quite simple really.....
First, one goes to a wild & crazy high school party
(note: party should only be wild & crazy by high school standards. This means staying up past 2 am, drinking actual alcohol and constant reaffirming shouts by the party's drunker denizens that we are indeed "Soooooo wild & crazy")
Second, Make sure you allow enough time for the adolescent hormones and small amounts of booze to properly mix. Creating just the right amount of young curiosity and drunken daring which will lead into vast amounts of make-out sessions
Now enters young, impressionable, Dan, who has a crush on one or two of the fairer sex attending this party. And due to this infatuation I'll try and strategically place myself next to said crushes,
in prime make out central locations.
12:30 am
I catch wind that one such location was a random car parked in the driveway and my informant tells me one if not both of my targets are rumored to be there.
12:45 am
Finding the car in question I see that indeed both high school heartbreakers are in the vehicle, along with enough kids that you'd think they were trying to solve the Clown Car problem through field testing. Opening the door a couple of these hormone infused youth's fall out. Instead of waiting like a proper gentleman I take this momentary moment of chaos as an opportunity to place myself within lips reach of my goal.
But being that I have about as much balance as a weeble wobble and these kids, through the magic of malted liquor, have lost any form of balance we end up with tangled limbs and I begin to fall....
Right on top of an unfortunate party goer. I frantically begin apologizing, but before so much as a "sorry" can leave my lips, my victim has shut them up with a sloppy kiss. After a few moments of indulging myself with this movie quality first kiss I open my eyes to discover it's a gal I barely know and her closed eyes mean's she surely doesn't know who I am.
Her half intelligent utter of "That was cool Steve" shatters any thoughts in my mind she might know who she was actually kissing
And that's how one, quite literally, falls into a first kiss. Hardly swooning material or worthy of the next teen romance movie series (unless I'm played by Michael Cera)
Now after I just finished telling you the story of my first kiss that I said I wouldn't tell you (but really you should know by now that if I'm given the chance to tell a story then I will) let's get to the story I was going to tell you.
The year is 2009 and our hero (me, in case you forgot what book you were reading) is currently employed by a large Arts & Crafts department store where he works as a picture framer. And though I've been told numerous times though proper employee etiquette pamphlets and videos that I should never enter into a relationship with a co-worker, I'm currently on my way home from a night out bowling with my sister's, my cousin's and one fair faced fellow framer of the opposite sex, Abby.
10:50 pm
We're driving home on a long blackened highway, with only the headlights to give us any hint of the surrounding terrain. My sister's in the front piloting our transportation, my cousin Jaelayne rides shotgun, and that leaves me and Abby conveniently in the back seat together.
11:05 pm
Idle chat about how utterly hilarious our family is our topic of choice. Each of us in turn recalling a moment of the magic that was this night. While this goes on, my eye catches a glimpse of something peculiar. Abby's arm has seemingly lost all life and lies limply in that awkward area on the seat between us. Now this spot is usually neutral territory in the backseat, and any invasion shouldn't be taken lightly. In my mind this means one of 2 things, either she's declared herself my superior and is now claiming this seat as her own, or she's extending an olive branch of peace across the void in hopes of joining our 2 nations.
11:20 pm
I've been assessing this intrusive arm for longer than is probably necessary. The palm is up, it looks kind of welcoming and open to possibilities. Plus her warm smile and generally cheery nature seem to back my notions that this is indeed a friendly gesture. I've become certain that she most undoubtedly wants to hold my hand and decide to make a move....
11:30 pm
If there was any doubt on whether or not I took too long to make a move before then there shouldn't be any doubt by now. My hand still sits in its awkward position on my knee having made various false starts on it's quest to hold Abby's. With one final push and a whole lot of courage to battle my nerves back my hand makes a sly snake-like slide across unfamiliar territory towards its objective.
11:31 pm
SUCCESS!!!
Mission control we have made contact and our assumptions were right! Holding hands is in progress. And it is freakin' glorious! This was one pathetically small move for a man, but one giant leap for my confidence
11:40 pm
Life is nothing but peaches and sunshines! My mind free from it's previous worries I jump back into the conversation full force.
11:50 pm
My hand has been frozen for the past 20 minutes in it's current position. Like a baby doe, fearful that if I move I'll trigger some sort of dangerous reaction from the others present.....
My hands really starting to cramp
12:05 am
To my benefit we've arrived home at the farm, our departure from the vehicle makes my decision for me and our hands part ways for me. I can finally flex my sore cramped up hand.
12:06 am
I quickly realize I should capitalize on our current good relations. Gotta come up with something quick...
"Wanna see my room?"
CRAP! You fool! You couldn't have been more obvious! Might as well hold up a giant cardboard sign saying "Let's go into seclusion so that I can make with the suckface!"
Whilst my every instinct and emotion is on red alert thinking we've blown it, Abby replies in the most surprising manner
"Sure, sounds good"
........
I'm too stunned by her ready agreement to my obvious ploy, that all I can really get out while awkwardly smiling is...
"nnnneat....."
12:40 am
Completed my drawn out tour of my cubicle sized room (which was mostly spent explaining why on earth I had 7 mannequin heads adorned with various head gear throughout my room) I've turned to my secret weapon whenever I've had trouble forming complete and proper sentences.
ART!
1:10 am
Having now exhausted all my resources in the art department I'm left with the awkward silence of expectancy. Abby stares at me intensely....
Now at this point in the story it's important we take a quick rewind back to the previous week when I was working with my good friend Stephanie. Me and Steph would discuss a multitude of topics, but on this particular occasion I was explaining to her why I've had bad luck with women up until this point.
"I always psyched myself out. If a girl was attracted to me, but I wasn't attracted to her I knew right away whether or not she was flirting with me. But the moment I was attracted to a girl my flirt detection skills were useless. If I ever felt like they were flirting with me I'd convince myself it was a fabrication of my own hopes. So if any of these girls were ever interested in me I'd never act on it for fear that my gut feelings about them was wrong and I'd end up looking like a fool"
Steph gave me this judgmental stare that she was oh so good at, it was equal parts stunned and amused
"You realize everything you just said makes you look like more of a fool than if you'd just take a chance and ask these girls?"
"Yes... but if I could just get like a list of rules for flirting 101 then I think I'd be good"
"Well that's easy, here's some good pointers"
Getting my mental notepad out ready for schooling
"Eye contact is one of the first signs. If you catch a gal glimpsing at you a lot, fairly good chance she's into you. If you share direct eye contact for extended periods of time, that's even better"
"Eye contact... gotcha"
"if you notice her touching you a lot, that's a fairly good sign too. Like hands on your shoulder's, brushing your hair out of your eyes, or sitting close enough to touch you when no one else is around. Really good signs"
"Good! Good! This is great! Got it"
"And lastly there's the 'Shut up and kiss me' look. This is the look she gives you when she just wants you to stop talking and kiss her already"
"Oooo! Yeah I like the sounds of that, what's that like?"
"She'll kinda tilt her head down like so, look up at you and then bite the bottom of her lip. So just remember those tips and you should be good"
Now we end this flashback and flash forward back to the present
1:12 am
made uncomfortable by her stare I've returned to the subject of the mannequin heads in my room (cause nothing puts a girl at ease like a guy talking about his mannequin head collection)
Whilst I try my best not to sound like a serial killer, Abby takes this opportunity to readjust herself on the bed we're laying on. I stutter midway through speech when I realize due to her newly chosen position we're now in the midst of unnecessary physical contact. She seems very comfortable with this choice, when I look at her she's staring directly at me smiling....
Two signs... could it be?
1:15 am
I'm still rambling and my conversation choice hasn't gotten any sexier. Having interpreted 2 of the 3 signs, the outlook is pretty good. In my head I'm desperately trying to keep a car on course over icy roads. My destination's still in sight but one wrong move and there's a good chance I'll forever destroy my chances of reaching it.
Looking at her I freeze.
She's looking up at me and is biting her bottom lip.
JACKPOT! 3rd and best sign is confirmed, thankfully its time for me to shut my trap and get to the kissing. I start to move in...
Now it's at this point I feel I should introduce you to the element of our story from where we derive it's title.
There's the old notion that everyone has whispering in their ear's. A devil on one shoulder, and an angel on the other. Both doing their best to sway us towards the righteous path or the corrupted one. I, like a lot of people, also have this inner struggle, but it's not a devil and angel on my shoulder's. Instead it's Cool Dan and Nerd Dan.
Cool Dan is calm, cool and collected. He's hitting my internal jukebox and getting the party started. Cool Dan is trying his best to maintain an outward appearance of confidence. He gets me out of the house, introduces me to new people, he's there when a friend's in need. He knows who I am, what to say, and how to make a move
Nerd Dan is the exact opposite. He's a jittery mess, second guessing our every move. Nerd Dan stays in his basement, he's always avoiding risk and afraid of change. Nerd Dan keeps me humble and in check, he reminds me of the mistakes I've made and the one's I still can. He keeps me grounded and makes sure I don't lose our friends to hubris
Both sides of my inner self are very important and make me who I am. But just as important as each side of me is, the struggle between them is just as important and helps define me
So why bring this up now? Well because understanding this aspect of my inner workings becomes very important right about now...
1:15 am
My lips are still on their course towards Abby's. Having remembered our studies Cool Dan has given us the green light and is steering us towards victory. But just when all seems well in the world, Nerd Dan begins to loudly voice his concerns in my head
"IDIOT! You're going to take the advice of one person as fact!?! Of course she's looking at you, where else if she supposed to look? You're the only person in the freaking room! And who's to say her lip isn't just itchy? Think of the consequences if you're wrong! Momentary humiliation! MOMENTARY HUMILIATION!!! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!"
With Nerd Dan having a panic attack I start to second guess myself. But being this close to impact it's going to take a desperate gambit to save our skins
1:16 am
I'm about 2 inches away from her face and pull one of these
(What a stud move eh? My boy like looks at the time really helped too)
utterly shocked by this turn of events Abby cracks up, busting a gut laughing at my choice of expression. Cool Dan slaps Nerd Dan up side the head and I take a moment to embarrassingly laugh at my own stupidity
"What was that?"
"Umm, yeah I got a little nervous haha.... shall we try that again?"
"Yes haha can't do any worse I guess hahaha"
1:18 am
Having taken another shot at it and succeeding I'm now sharing my first kiss with Abby.
Cool Dan nods approvingly and Nerd Dan sits quietly in the corner ashamed of his choice but happy it was a mistake
I have a constant inner battle for control going on between these 2. It's a friendly contest between peers, I know I need both and I know that one will never negate the other. The older I get the more they learn to work in harmony and balance me as a whole. So the next time we meet if you ever notice me stumbling over words or saying something horribly awkward just know that Cool Dan and Nerd Dan are continuing their never ending battle for control of my fate
So there you have it! I'm not sure anyone will read this, but I laughed at my own jokes a heck of alot already so really that's all that matters.
OH! And I almost forgot I'm supposed to tag @rambo & @missy in this. So there.... I did it.... I feel like I'm weirdly challenging them to read my rambling nonsense when I tag them.
Anyways that's all for now! If you enjoyed it let me know. If you didn't.... just pretend you did.
Catch you later!
