So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. Now I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you all about how I've been wanting to use these lyrics to open my Danjournal every single time.
Well now that I've gotten that out of my system we can move onto what's important. The story, more importantly a story about me, featuring me! Now this Tuesday was scheduled to be a rather typical Tuesday. The day was to start with me helping out Howie at the farm with his personal trailer park renovations. Then it was onto working on the various commissions I needed to finish for Christmas. Lastly an end of day highlight of watching the Hobbit on cheap movie night in IMAX. Yes nothing out of the ordinary, maybe a quip or two but nothing more. Well as you've probably already guessed this was not to be the case. So now dear reader I invite you to take my hand as I take you on the whirlwind adventure that was my Tuesday...
Tuesday, December 18th, 2012
8:50 am-
Having finished my breakfast of pancakes smothered in apple butter, I head down to my car. The pancakes are more or less simply a conduit to get the apple butter to my taste buds so that I can feel like I attempted for a proper breakfast beyond spooning mouthfuls of apple butter straight from the jar into my mouth
8:55 am-
I've cleaned the snow off of the Gramma-Mobile my car. The Gramma-Mobile is outfitted in the typical fashion you'd expect from an elderly Grandma supercar. A large format Ford Crown Victoria, the size and speed perfectly suited for driving 80 kph down the highway and ramming into those dastardly curbs who constantly evade poor eyesight. Beaded seat covers to sooth aching joints, a vanity plate proudly proclaiming her motto to the world "Ask me about my Grandchildren". Yes a vehicle finely tuned to get you to Albert's Family Restaurant in time for the early bird seniors special of boiled eggs and veal cutlets. Even the model name harkens back to a time gone by when the crown of Victoria meant anything to this country's citizens. Yes my vehicle of choice is something that let's the ladies know I'm a man confident in his masculinity, but old fashioned enough to still believe in chivalry
9:00 am-
Out on the open road. Taking things a bit slower than usual due to the icy roads and snow from the night before. I notice my phone isn't working, not a big deal though seeing as I have nothing urgent I'll need it for today
9:10 am-
I'm driving and singing along to the latest from Carly Rae (the ladies song's are infectious) When I notice a red van up ahead start to tail spin. Quickly following the red van a black SUV followed suit. So contrary to what Carly Rae and Owl City would have me believe, it was not "always a good time", this seemed to be the exact opposite
9:10 and a 1/2 am-
Seeing that up ahead was rapidly becoming a destruction free-for-all and knowing that the Gramma Mobile is built for ramming not stopping on a dime, I decide my best bet is to head through a gap on my right hand side and crash into the guardrail, hopefully avoiding most of the carnage
9:10 and 3/4 am-
Enter Dan 'the Action Man' Schneider! A steely set to his chiseled jaw and a tempered squint to his eyes that lets you this is a man doing his best to do the right thing in a crazy world torn apart by madness. As shattered bits of glass and steel tear through the calm as vehicles crash and explode all around his expertly guided ride, Action Dan will not be strayed from his goal of getting all the innocents out of this mess alive.
But like any good action movie, just when you think your heroes in the clear, the writers throw in one last obstacle.
9:10 and 7/8 am-
The end in sight, only inches away from the guardrail, suddenly a flashy vest catches my attention.
It's a man leaning on the side of the guardrail.
He looks to be on his knees and injured. Surely if I continue on this path I'll end this poor downed man's life. I pull the Gramma mobile out of her current path hopefully just enough to avoid him then return to my final destination. Coming to a spark flying, crescendo ending finale, I and the Gramma mobile come to a screeching halt against the guardrail. I check my rear view and see the flashy vested man's legs kicking in the air as he continues his crawl over the side.I may just get my happy ending after all
9:11 am-
All is still, the chaos has been put to bay. I jump out of my car and run back to check on the flashy vested fellow, who's crawling back over the rail onto the road.
I blurt out my worry "You ok man!?"
I'm frozen in my tracks before his reply can even leave his lips. I was wrong, this man was never knocked down injured on his knee's...
He was a midget
"Oh yeeeah! I'm fine. I don't know what da heck happened, but cars starting coming at me out of nowhere, so I started scrambling. Crazy eh?"
Things started crazy, but they became entirely something else when you throw a random midget into the mix
9:13 am-
The red van catalyst driver has joined me and my vertically challenged friend (who we'll call Steve). His red van looks like Baby Godzilla used it for teething. He's none too happy about it's current state and he's throwing around accusations about like an A.D.D. kid playing Clue. When asked what I saw, he doesn't seem too pleased with my answer. I tell him I'm just happy I didn't kill Steve, which Steve seems to enthusiastically agree with.
9:15 am-
We've been joined by the other car crashers. All are in good spirits and unharmed, thankful we're all fine and not too concerned about the material things. A few of the unscathed vehicles and their drivers pull slowly through the wreckage. They drive by slow as directed by a police officer, most have their windows rolled down and offer words of encouragement and/or high fives to us. Me and Steve graciously accept them, like some sort of odd newly wed couple at a car crash themed wedding. Red Van man, sulks in the back like a bridesmaid forever doomed to never wear the white dress
9:20 am-
The Police officer has asked us all to go to the Flying J parking lot to give our witness reports and statements. Most of our vehicles are good for the very short trip. I'm still not sure how Steve ended up on the road, and its seems the mystery will continue as he's the only one that requires a ride and hops in with the officer.
9:22 am-
The Gramma mobile is almost damage free. She received one broken mirror and a scuffed front end. I get to the parking lot first and decide to grab a hot chocolate and a donut while I wait. I ask the Timmies sales assistant for a whipped cream filled donut, but as he grabs it I quickly change my mind and ask instead for a dozen donuts to share with all those involved in the crash.
9:25 am-
Sitting in the Flying J parking lot sipping my hot chocolate, I reach in for a donut. My eyes scan for my prize whipped cream filled donut... I start to panic, it's not here!!!
Curse you fates, playing with the lives of us mortals! Why must you stoke the flames of hope and joy only to tear my heart out like some cruel harpy!
I reluctantly am forced to go with my second choice of apple fritter... worst day ever
9:30 am-
Everyone else has arrived and we start giving our statements. I eagerly offer donuts to all, like a child selling lemonade on the street corner. But alas my fellow car crashers are either on diets or haters of fun. Not one donut was taken that day
9:35 am-
I eat another donut in self pity
10:00 am-
We've all verbally given our account of the crash. The general consensus is that the red van was indeed the cause of this 5 car crash. He adamantly assures us that there were 3 mystery vehicles parked sideways on the road that conveniently disappeared on him. So either he was wrong or we were all involved in the worst episode of the X-Files ever.
So at this time I can now clear up the mystery of our random midget after hearing every ones account of the incident. Turns out Steve was just leaving work at a construction site when his car stalled. He parked in on the side of the road a ways ahead and was walking back to his worksite to get a boost. A good samaritan in a grey van stopped to see if he needed help. They chatted for a bit when Mr. Red Van came cruising along at high speeds. He too late noticed this parked car ahead of him and swerved, sending him into the spin and causing the entire crash. As you can see things become a lot more clear
11:30 am-
I arrive at the farm to help my father build his perfect trailer park paradise. I excitedly jump out of my car to offer them unappreciated donuts whilst I regale them with my entire action filled tale.
11:40 am-
Finishing up my story and answering questions (Howie seems particularly intrigued in Steve's cameo) I see our tiny white fluff ball of a farm dog Tank come proudly prancing out of the shop with something red in his mouth. I scoop up the little guy with one hand despite his best efforts to escape me. He has what looks like an oversized crayon in his mouth. He attempts to swallow whole this red chunk as I dig it out of his mouth. I successfully pull the saliva covered thing out much to his dismay...
It's rat poison
11:45 am-
Being Jade's dog she panics and rushes him to the house in order to introduce Tank to the wonders of binging and purging
12:30 am-
Having consulted her vet and boyfriend, Jade has successfully gotten Tank to throw up and has a vet appointment for 2 o'clock. Tank is put in quarantine until then. And life returns to normal helping my Dad create his indoor lawn and prepping his personal romantic Trailer Park for two
As an afterward to my tale today, Tank is doing just fine, he's been taking his vitamin K like a good blood thinning overdoser. Gramma mobile is still in action getting me to important events such as end-of-the-world birthday parties so that I can dress up in red underwear a fake mustache and spread the holiday cheer.
And so until next time, Have a Merry Christmas!
And I'll see ya Back here,
Same Dan-time!
Same Dan-Channel!
Well now that I've gotten that out of my system we can move onto what's important. The story, more importantly a story about me, featuring me! Now this Tuesday was scheduled to be a rather typical Tuesday. The day was to start with me helping out Howie at the farm with his personal trailer park renovations. Then it was onto working on the various commissions I needed to finish for Christmas. Lastly an end of day highlight of watching the Hobbit on cheap movie night in IMAX. Yes nothing out of the ordinary, maybe a quip or two but nothing more. Well as you've probably already guessed this was not to be the case. So now dear reader I invite you to take my hand as I take you on the whirlwind adventure that was my Tuesday...
Tuesday, December 18th, 2012
8:50 am-
Having finished my breakfast of pancakes smothered in apple butter, I head down to my car. The pancakes are more or less simply a conduit to get the apple butter to my taste buds so that I can feel like I attempted for a proper breakfast beyond spooning mouthfuls of apple butter straight from the jar into my mouth
8:55 am-
I've cleaned the snow off of the Gramma-Mobile my car. The Gramma-Mobile is outfitted in the typical fashion you'd expect from an elderly Grandma supercar. A large format Ford Crown Victoria, the size and speed perfectly suited for driving 80 kph down the highway and ramming into those dastardly curbs who constantly evade poor eyesight. Beaded seat covers to sooth aching joints, a vanity plate proudly proclaiming her motto to the world "Ask me about my Grandchildren". Yes a vehicle finely tuned to get you to Albert's Family Restaurant in time for the early bird seniors special of boiled eggs and veal cutlets. Even the model name harkens back to a time gone by when the crown of Victoria meant anything to this country's citizens. Yes my vehicle of choice is something that let's the ladies know I'm a man confident in his masculinity, but old fashioned enough to still believe in chivalry
9:00 am-
Out on the open road. Taking things a bit slower than usual due to the icy roads and snow from the night before. I notice my phone isn't working, not a big deal though seeing as I have nothing urgent I'll need it for today
9:10 am-
I'm driving and singing along to the latest from Carly Rae (the ladies song's are infectious) When I notice a red van up ahead start to tail spin. Quickly following the red van a black SUV followed suit. So contrary to what Carly Rae and Owl City would have me believe, it was not "always a good time", this seemed to be the exact opposite
9:10 and a 1/2 am-
Seeing that up ahead was rapidly becoming a destruction free-for-all and knowing that the Gramma Mobile is built for ramming not stopping on a dime, I decide my best bet is to head through a gap on my right hand side and crash into the guardrail, hopefully avoiding most of the carnage
9:10 and 3/4 am-
Enter Dan 'the Action Man' Schneider! A steely set to his chiseled jaw and a tempered squint to his eyes that lets you this is a man doing his best to do the right thing in a crazy world torn apart by madness. As shattered bits of glass and steel tear through the calm as vehicles crash and explode all around his expertly guided ride, Action Dan will not be strayed from his goal of getting all the innocents out of this mess alive.
But like any good action movie, just when you think your heroes in the clear, the writers throw in one last obstacle.
9:10 and 7/8 am-
The end in sight, only inches away from the guardrail, suddenly a flashy vest catches my attention.
It's a man leaning on the side of the guardrail.
He looks to be on his knees and injured. Surely if I continue on this path I'll end this poor downed man's life. I pull the Gramma mobile out of her current path hopefully just enough to avoid him then return to my final destination. Coming to a spark flying, crescendo ending finale, I and the Gramma mobile come to a screeching halt against the guardrail. I check my rear view and see the flashy vested man's legs kicking in the air as he continues his crawl over the side.I may just get my happy ending after all
9:11 am-
All is still, the chaos has been put to bay. I jump out of my car and run back to check on the flashy vested fellow, who's crawling back over the rail onto the road.
I blurt out my worry "You ok man!?"
I'm frozen in my tracks before his reply can even leave his lips. I was wrong, this man was never knocked down injured on his knee's...
He was a midget
"Oh yeeeah! I'm fine. I don't know what da heck happened, but cars starting coming at me out of nowhere, so I started scrambling. Crazy eh?"
Things started crazy, but they became entirely something else when you throw a random midget into the mix
9:13 am-
The red van catalyst driver has joined me and my vertically challenged friend (who we'll call Steve). His red van looks like Baby Godzilla used it for teething. He's none too happy about it's current state and he's throwing around accusations about like an A.D.D. kid playing Clue. When asked what I saw, he doesn't seem too pleased with my answer. I tell him I'm just happy I didn't kill Steve, which Steve seems to enthusiastically agree with.
9:15 am-
We've been joined by the other car crashers. All are in good spirits and unharmed, thankful we're all fine and not too concerned about the material things. A few of the unscathed vehicles and their drivers pull slowly through the wreckage. They drive by slow as directed by a police officer, most have their windows rolled down and offer words of encouragement and/or high fives to us. Me and Steve graciously accept them, like some sort of odd newly wed couple at a car crash themed wedding. Red Van man, sulks in the back like a bridesmaid forever doomed to never wear the white dress
9:20 am-
The Police officer has asked us all to go to the Flying J parking lot to give our witness reports and statements. Most of our vehicles are good for the very short trip. I'm still not sure how Steve ended up on the road, and its seems the mystery will continue as he's the only one that requires a ride and hops in with the officer.
9:22 am-
The Gramma mobile is almost damage free. She received one broken mirror and a scuffed front end. I get to the parking lot first and decide to grab a hot chocolate and a donut while I wait. I ask the Timmies sales assistant for a whipped cream filled donut, but as he grabs it I quickly change my mind and ask instead for a dozen donuts to share with all those involved in the crash.
9:25 am-
Sitting in the Flying J parking lot sipping my hot chocolate, I reach in for a donut. My eyes scan for my prize whipped cream filled donut... I start to panic, it's not here!!!
Curse you fates, playing with the lives of us mortals! Why must you stoke the flames of hope and joy only to tear my heart out like some cruel harpy!
I reluctantly am forced to go with my second choice of apple fritter... worst day ever
9:30 am-
Everyone else has arrived and we start giving our statements. I eagerly offer donuts to all, like a child selling lemonade on the street corner. But alas my fellow car crashers are either on diets or haters of fun. Not one donut was taken that day
9:35 am-
I eat another donut in self pity
10:00 am-
We've all verbally given our account of the crash. The general consensus is that the red van was indeed the cause of this 5 car crash. He adamantly assures us that there were 3 mystery vehicles parked sideways on the road that conveniently disappeared on him. So either he was wrong or we were all involved in the worst episode of the X-Files ever.
So at this time I can now clear up the mystery of our random midget after hearing every ones account of the incident. Turns out Steve was just leaving work at a construction site when his car stalled. He parked in on the side of the road a ways ahead and was walking back to his worksite to get a boost. A good samaritan in a grey van stopped to see if he needed help. They chatted for a bit when Mr. Red Van came cruising along at high speeds. He too late noticed this parked car ahead of him and swerved, sending him into the spin and causing the entire crash. As you can see things become a lot more clear
11:30 am-
I arrive at the farm to help my father build his perfect trailer park paradise. I excitedly jump out of my car to offer them unappreciated donuts whilst I regale them with my entire action filled tale.
11:40 am-
Finishing up my story and answering questions (Howie seems particularly intrigued in Steve's cameo) I see our tiny white fluff ball of a farm dog Tank come proudly prancing out of the shop with something red in his mouth. I scoop up the little guy with one hand despite his best efforts to escape me. He has what looks like an oversized crayon in his mouth. He attempts to swallow whole this red chunk as I dig it out of his mouth. I successfully pull the saliva covered thing out much to his dismay...
It's rat poison
11:45 am-
Being Jade's dog she panics and rushes him to the house in order to introduce Tank to the wonders of binging and purging
12:30 am-
Having consulted her vet and boyfriend, Jade has successfully gotten Tank to throw up and has a vet appointment for 2 o'clock. Tank is put in quarantine until then. And life returns to normal helping my Dad create his indoor lawn and prepping his personal romantic Trailer Park for two
As an afterward to my tale today, Tank is doing just fine, he's been taking his vitamin K like a good blood thinning overdoser. Gramma mobile is still in action getting me to important events such as end-of-the-world birthday parties so that I can dress up in red underwear a fake mustache and spread the holiday cheer.
And so until next time, Have a Merry Christmas!
And I'll see ya Back here,
Same Dan-time!
Same Dan-Channel!
dryad:
Like some odd newlyweds. Glad you're ok!