smashedhead

THE ONE THE ONLY, DAN-O THE FREAKIN' MAN-O IS BACK AND IN ACTION!!!

Well Hi and Howdy to allow my suicide peeps! Yes your resident cowboy and Ethan Hawke look-alike is back and ready to roar here in the land of suicide! It's been a while some things happened, some things didn't, like ....... a petition to have me come back to suicide or a group dedicated to my sexcellence, but that's ok, it's fine, I just know now how much you all truly love me .... if you need me I'll be in my room ... CRYING INTO MY PILLOW!!!

Anywhoo, enough moping and/or groping .... actually scratch the grope part, let's have more of that shall we. A grope for everyone! Anyways there I go again losing track of the matter at hand, "what the Shrek has Dan-O been up too since his last foray in suicidia?" Well that's a very good question my devoted fans. Well my peeps I have answered one of the world's greatest questions ....

"Dear Danny,

How in today's world do we finally stop all wars and finally achieve world peace?"

Well folks, as always Dan-O has the answer for your woes. This answer came to me after one day on the farm, and to truly understand the answer you must hear the process in which it came to me. And so I present for your reading pleasure ......

Dear Danny: War Journal: the Search for World Peace!

May 1st
3pm - Me and Melanie have decided to go for a walk out on the farm through the pasture.

3:15pm - playing with my dog Sammie I am throwing a stick around for her, Mel is talking to me about ... I don't know, probably something about how breathtaking my shiny hair is in the setting sun, anywhoo .... I have just tricked Sammie into thinking I threw the stick, at about 50 yards away she realizes this ruse and is now charging without abandon towards me and her targeted stick, using cat-like reflexes I pull the stick up at the last instance out of Sammie's snapping jaws. Being that she is already airborne Sammie's momentum sends her flying directly infront of Mel's oblivious face grazing her nose and stopping her in dead cold fear of the flying psycho-deaf-dog attack that just occurred

3:30pm - I am nursing a sore shin from the shin kicks I just receive moments earlier and we have come across the dugout. Mel scampers about looking for feathers, and I end up finding a hatched goose egg which I give to Mel. She is enthralled with her new gift when I think to myself "My that clod of dirt sticking out of the pond looks rather peculiar, it almost looks exactly like a .... dead ... cow ........ fuck"

4pm - We have confirmed that the clod of dirt is indeed a dead cow and are heading up to the house to get some help in removing the animal. Mel hands me the egg as she runs inside to change her shoes.

4:15pm - I have gotten my Dad and I'm heading in search of our hip waders so that I don't have to soak in rotted cow water when I try and pull this thing out, I'd hate to have to get wet

4:30pm - Found the hip waders and Mel and my Dad are ready. We start heading for the truck and it's at about this time that I see the white chain link fence and notice the egg in my hand and then the following thoughts cross my mind
"wow that egg would look radtacular smashing into a bunch of pieces on that fence"
*whips the egg straight into the fence*
"Dear Lord please let me discover a latent superpower of time control right now!"
KA-PLOOEY!!
"Oh fudge, Danny didn't think that one through ..... it did look pretty radtacular though"

4:45pm - Nursing a second shin-kicking wound, Me, Mel, and Papa Howie are heading out into the field

5pm - I'm suited up and ready to descend into "dead bovine lagoon" as near as we figure this cow walked out onto the ice in winter and fell through in the middle and then the snow covered her up, which is why we never noticed her till spring came along. Which also happened to allow for her to get to perfect rotting potential ..... yay

5:05pm - I take my first step into the water, all's good the waders are holding up well

5:06pm - second step .... there's a hole in the waders ....... fuck

5:10pm - now I'm few feet away from the cow, she is thoroughly rotted, I am thoroughly soaked from head to toe in brown rotted cow water and for the first time in my life the smell of this dead cow has me holding back the contents of my stomach from spilling out, all while I try and throw a rope around her because if I take just one more step I will be washing my hair in "Decaying Bovine Plus Shampoo for Men"

5:12pm - my rope throwing efforts are futile and now the wind is blowing her corpse towards me when my dad says "don't worry in another 10 minutes she'll drift right next to you Dan, haha" and so now I'm thinking "Great I'm gonna die because of a zombie cow"

5:15pm - I've finally hooked the cow and were dragging her out of the water off into the bush. I get to walk the whole way with that wonderful feeling of squishing water between your toes ..... and fingers, and everywhere else on my body. Being bogged down by the 80 pounds of liquid decay in my waders makes me a slow walker, luckily there's a trail of rotted flesh scraped across the ground to guide my way

5:30pm - heading back to the house and after marinating in death water for a good half-hour I have now become every dog in the worlds new best friend. Must be my natural animal magnetism

5:45pm - Mel's refusing to hug me or kiss me, for some reason me being a walking disease is a problem for her. I tell her "If you love me you'll kiss me". She kicks me in the shin

5:50 pm - seeing as I have now been declared a biohazard the rest of the family won't let me in the house. So I cut the waders off myself and throw them in the burning barrel (I may just be holding a little anger towards those waders) and then proceed to strip down to my birthday suit and hose myself off in the front yard.

5:51pm - the family takes pity on me and lets me inside to shower

6pm - I'm in the shower scrubbing the liquid corpse from my pores singing a song about my ordeals

-sung to the tune of Dolly's "Why'd you come in here lookin like that?-
Oh they wouldn't let me in here smellin' like that
Cause I marinated in rotted water for the afternoon
I am what you'd call a walking disease
That may be why I wasn't let in here smellin like that

Here comes the zombie cow
Her jaw is slack and she's missin' an eye
She's gone a tad crazy
And she wants to eat my mind
She's got a greenish tinge to her flesh and maggots inside
A torn off left ear and a big old behind
She's out to kill me and devour my soul
Why I remember her when she was a live bovine

Oooooooooh!
Rotted liquid flesh has been poured all over me
why'd I have to be the one to confront the zombified cow
I can feel death reeking all over me
Now I'm in this shower trying to scrub it clean
But forever that dead cow will haunt my dreams
I think the water touched my lips and it almost made me spew
This is no way to spend the afternoon
covered in cows guts and singing in the loo

6:05pm - for some reason half way through my sexcellent song, the thought of the zombie cow really tickled my fancy and so I proceeded to talk about it in a bad Swedish accent and it developed and evolved as I went on talking about it (to myself in the shower) as if I were at a U.N. meeting presenting my newest scientific discovery

And so as you can plainly see the answer was so simply and right before our eyes the whole time! To solve world peace we must create a Zombie Cow Rabbi!

It unites all religions into one religious figure

Zombie = Voodoo
To resurrect the cow we used witchcraft = Wiccans
He's a cow = Hindu's
Rose from the dead, and is clearly where the term "Holy Cow!" came from hence can be mistaken as the second coming of Christ = Christians
Cow's eat only grass and plants = Vegetarians and Vegans
and it was raised in a good Jewish home and is now a practicing Rabbi = Judaism

My plan is flawless! The world will finally have everlasting peace once we create my Zombie Cow Rabbi!

So my friends as you can see even though you may have suffered in agony for my recent absence it twas not in vain, I have given the world hope for peace and love to prosper. And with that I bid thee all a good evening and I'll see ya all on the boards or hiding in my bushes as you stalk me while I shower

Toodles!

p.s. After telling my Mom about this and letting her know that I planned on adding this Zombie Cow Rabbi to my comic she forbade me from doing so thinking that I was gonna offend every religion in the world. Silly mother ..... athiest's won't be offended