Yes my dear suicidian friends it is I! The once late great Dan-O the Man-O! Returned from exile to once again reclaim the title of Sexasaurous Rex!
Well I guess explanations are in order aren't they? I mean I have left all my suicidian peeps hanging for more than a month now, with not a phone call, e-mail or even a well thought out letter! Well I have a shrek load of time to account for and one blog to do it all in, so here I go with the answers that you all have been waiting for .....
Lets see, last I left all of you it was just before Christmas. Well I had a fine and dandy Christmas, got meself some wickedly sweet presents and had sweet times with my family. We kept up with our family tradition, we like to find out some ones favorite game .... and then we demolish them at it and demoralize them to the point that they hate it. It all started the year I was 8 and my Mom bought me Star Wars Monopoly. My mom played with me, and soon I was in debt so bad that I had to sell everything, while my mom danced above me chanting "WINNER!" over and over again while I cried on the floor........... Anywhoo, this year it was, my brother-in-law, Tom's turn and the game was Risk! Me and my sister and Dad teamed up on him and my bro. Tom started with a devious tactic of making fun of my ridiculously tight "milk&cookies" shirt, but it was to no avail! We conquered them swiftly and assuredly! Bwa-hahahahaha! (I would like to dedicate my Risk win to my tight "Milk&Cookies" T-shirt)
Moo-ving right along ..... (get it? I said Moo-ving cause I own cows .... its a play on words ..... I thought it was very punny! POW! ZING! Its just one pun after another!)
Ok, so following Christmas I had a date, and took a little lady I've fancied for a while out horseback riding in the snow and then we went to a Hookie party (it was a cookie party, we were supposed to make cookies and junk, but I decided to make a hooker gingerbreadwoman, hence she is a Hookie, therefor its a Hookie party) And basically long story short, thing went radtastically swell and Dan-O the Man-O has himself a new girlfriend! Sorry ladies, but the Sexasaurous Rex is off the market. And the best part is .... Her last name is MANY BEARS!!! Oh sweet Jebus! Thats gotta be the most wickedly sweet name ever! (well I guess the best part truely is that I love her and she's an incredible gal, but I know you've all come to rely on me for getting you the hard hitting facts you can't get anywhere else, like radtacular last names)
Next in line, NEW FREAKIN YEARS!!!! BAM!
Alrighty, so my New Years was sexcellent. First me and Many Bears went to her friends place where she proceeded to get drunk and I stayed a responsible DD. Three drinks and a "high school" drunk Many Bears later we are heading back to my place to finish off our new years in style (I'll explain my drunk rating system another time, in case you're curious bout the "high school" Drunk part) Many Bears at this point thought it was a perfect time to try and make out with me as I drive the half hour home, ain't she swell? Anywhoo, so make it back to my place and the party shop is already packed (Ummm, my farm is pretty big and we have way too many shops, so we turned one into a party shop with a bar, pool table and big screen. We're a classy folk) As I was saying its a packed house, about 200+ people and growing, Mel has sobered up a bit and we partook in the parta some more. Our night ends at 8 in the morning with us taking fake stalker pictures with all our drunk passed out friends.
Next up, one of my favorite parts, entitled ...... The Fam's in Denver and Dan's in charge! aka. Murder-sled time!
So my family high tailed it to Denver Stock Show for 10 days and I was left in charge of the farm. Many Bears stayed the week and decided to keep me company, and we spent it feeding cows, watching for new calves and riding horses in the snow! YAY! I like to think of this week as our second official date. The first few days were fine, alot of cows calved and I only had to pull one calf. But then near the end our show heifer started calving, and I noticed the head was coming first (not a good thing in calves) Anywhoo, I got my sisters Boyfriend over who has vet exprience and he helped turn the calf and pull him. We got him out, and gave him cpr to get him breathing, but he was weak and couldn't get up. We tried everything milked out the cow, got colostrum in him, but it didn't work and he died in the middle of the night. My Dad got me to bring out a vet the next day and do an autopsy on the calf to make sure it wasn't a disease or something genetic. So me and Many Bears spent our second date dissecting a calf with the vet, I'm such a romantic. And if that didn't melt your heart this next part will! So after he was done and declared the death a stressed birthing (poor baby) I had to dispose of the body, so I hooked it up to a big plastic sign and a peice of rope and drug the thing across the farm. I felt like a husky in the great north, only instead of carrying a bundled up Inuit I was carrying a sliced up corpse, I dubbed this the Murder Sled. I was a darn good murder sledding dog too might I add, drug that thing far and fast (on a side note the dogs ate very well for that week) Anywhoo, to cap off my romantic weekend with Many Bears I then helped the show heifer that lost her calf adopt a twin in need of milk. Awwwww, thats so sweet, how did you do that Danny? Well its very simple, let me explain. Cows tend to recognize calves by scent, the smell of the calf when its born is the main thing a cow uses to identify its baby, so since the calf that died smelt like her baby and not the twin all we simply needed to do was switch the scent. Following me? ..... I took the dead calves skin and tied it around the twin, he wore a calf skin sweater! Luckily the mother took to him so well right off the bat, and now thinks that calf is her calf that we were able to take the skin off in a few days.
Ok so i know that last one was really gross and disgusting sounding, and I apoligize to anyone offended, but remember, the calf was already dead and this is the easiest way to get a cow to take another calf as its own. If we hadn't done that this twin may never have gotten enough milk and most likely would have died. So you see, I'm not being morbid and violent, I'm just making sure these calves get the best they can get! Yay for caring!
So now what? Well now the always lovable and very adorable Dan-O finds himself in the middle of nowheresville, 17 hours from home working as my bro's welders helper on the pipeline. So here I find myself and I have to make the most of it. The first day of work was highlighted by me working till way past dark and losing all possible vision whilst I wielded dangerous power tools. Blind=Power Tools=Fun. The next day I got to see alot of the people I'd be working with at suppertime. The pipeline is a work force full of the roughest necks and hardest men in the world, their hands a callused and the faces carry a strong powerful demeanor. Yet of all the people here, there is one I fear angering above all else ..... the lunch lady. I have dubbed her Olga as she is a woman twice my height with lumberjack shoulders and long blond pigtails peeking out from under a skull bandana. She bellows out food orders and laughs joyfully with the fellow cooks, but I don't doubt for a second that if crossed that amazon would break me like a twig. The following day I occupied myself with joyfully singing every disney song I could recall, much to the irk of the other dudes in my crew. I also noticed a rather large raven that has been following us the entire job. I've decided to name him Quincy, Quincy "the Ravin'" Raven, he is such a card, always squawking and flying around. And just today I found out all about the pig used to clean out pipelines! They have this thing called a pig they put in the pipe and fire it through using high pressured air, I was dissappionted when I found out he wasn't actually a pig with a "devil may care" attitude and pilot goggles, but instead a big round piece of foam ..... LAAAAAAAME! (on a side note, I hate being so far away from Many Bears and just want to get back home to her, can't wait for this to be over)
So this was a wordy blog, and I apoligize to anyone who made it all the way through that and just now realizes it was utter nonsense and rather unentertaining. But there is a silver lining, tune into this blog in the coming weeks when cabin fever sets in and I truly go off my rocker and start to rant about how waffles are communists and threatening to take the word "twenty" hostage. And lastly, here's a few pictures I drew one during one night of drunken Karaoke
Thanks for tuning in, I hope to return in diggity days or less .... (cabin fever may have already set in .... if you want twenty back bring me skittles! It has been decreed!)
Today's blog was brought to you by .....
INNER MONOLOGUE! (for those times when you just need to know what the shrek is Danny thinking)
Toodles! See ya all next time back here
Same Dan-Time!
Same Dan-Channel!
