we're sorry, the person you are calling is dead.
we've been replaced by panic at the disco? ouch.
you know i had a girl tell me once that she was uncomfortable with the fact i owned and watched porn. because she didnt like the competition. of images on tv? but then she became a "dancer?" and the very idea of the place is for married men to go see some strange. live people. talk about competition. she never was one for good decisions. i suppose i could be one of those decisions. morality is not a strong point of mine.
isnt it weird that someone leaves you because they dont want your attention anymore, (i must admit i was terrible at ignoring her) but as soon as i do, im getting contacted again? as soon as i start talking to someone new, there she is. like she knows. like she knows she was almost out of my head completely, she kicks the door open. for no reason. no logical reason what-so-ever. and to say things without saying anything. like "i saw your friend" as a text message after the first time in 3 years that two weeks pass without us talking.
she tells me "forget about me". and then as soon as i start to, i hear a rapping. a tapping at the door.
she needs the attention. the job tells me so. every minute of every waking day tells me so. tells me she doesnt want or need my attention anymore, but makes no efforts to help me do that. keeps herself around. makes me remember. makes me think.
a person that knows everything is wrong, but wont admit it. a person who's family split up over alcoholism and drugs. a person who is still mentally 5 years old because thats the last time she remembers being happy.
i know that drinking every single day doesnt make you an alcoholic?
why is it so easy to travel paths that youve seen others lead to destruction?
a person who isn't really a person. she doesnt know who she is. and down this path, never will.
the tips tell her who she is. the comments and the friend requests make who she is.
nothing real matters to her, or it wouldnt be a new mask every year.
real love, real attention, real thoughtfullness, worry, and wonder, don't matter. one person is not enough.
it was almost love at first sight when i saw the little rocker girl. a few tattoos, looking right out of a limp bizkit video. beautiful. the most gorgeous smile ive ever seen. i didnt see her for a year after that, and when i did, she was head to toe uber-goth. huge fake dreads. she is beautiful alone, the makeup made her ugly. the huge boots and the futuristic robot clothes were a huge turn off. that wasnt who i knew. half of me thinks i should have stuck with my gut feeling that said to run away.
at the same time i was intrigued. but anyone that changes that much in that short of a time, when they're already in their 20's, has something going on. either has some strange motives or strange issues.
no one will really ever know, because why let things out? why be a real person and face problems and issues? isnt it easier to just pull the wool over everyone's eyes? it might be easier now, but just wait for later.
im not even sure why ive gotten so into this.
i went to work in a great mood the other day for the first time in a while, because the night before i spent 2 hours on the phone with an amazing girl i just met. we talked like old friends, which i can barely do with actual old friends.
then at about 8:30 am, probably still awake from the night before, i hear that ringer than only she has on my phone. its my ex. my good mood is gone before i get to the phone. i dont even go to it right away because she cannot actually communicate, so i figured it was a text message. when i wasnt busy anymore, i went to check it.
"your friend was in the club last night"
i think to myself, what is the point of this. is this to arouse jealousy? contempt? its not something i need to know, and its not even something i care about, to become jealous. i think of all the smart ass responses i could give her.
(too bad for him, i saw that shit for free)
(did it make you feel beautiful?)
(did you give him the big rub?)
but having turned a page in my life, i decided i would say nothing. why let her win. i need to show her i am ignoring and forgetting, and im not thinking about her.
so i dont send any response.
fifteen minutes later, that ringer again, from across the room. again i am busy and dont make it to the phone right away. now i am laughing to myself, because she couldnt handle me not answering her the first time. im supposed to be in love. im supposed to be wanting her. im supposed to beg for her back. but i dont want to.
"he asked if i was doing ok. do you believe him"
looking at this message, and honestly confused, maybe it was the savant in her, but i had to respond to this one.
(i dont even know what you just asked me) i send
she sends back :
"dont worry bout it. have a good day. i left you a random message on SG"
have a good day i think? whatever. but now not only has she texted me for no reason, but she said nothing at all, other than she said nothing on SG and i should go read it right away, so i can give her my attention.
it took a day or two for me to get here, and it was a message again that said nothing. there was words, but not saying anything. it didnt illicit a response. and even if it did, i wouldnt have.
so today i am back on the computer. because last night i thought, ill put up a new blog so i dont have to see her comments. which confuse the one person who reads my bullshit besides her, apparently.
i logged in to SG to just post a new blog saying "the person you are calling is dead".
but then i thought, she's actually on here so rarely, as am i, that i should see what else changed. hence the panic at the disco comment. jumping on trends like trampolines.
my brain instantly went over conversations i had today with people at work about this whole scenario, and for some reason the fingers started typing. isnt that what this blogging is all about?
actually its just about knowing im saying it as if im talking to my best friend in the world. its very comfortable.
the irony is, only SHE will see it.
and then i'll get another message that doesnt say anything. they all just carry the underlying message of her waving her hand, saying "here i am!, here i am!". which is how she lives her life.
here i am.
we've been replaced by panic at the disco? ouch.
you know i had a girl tell me once that she was uncomfortable with the fact i owned and watched porn. because she didnt like the competition. of images on tv? but then she became a "dancer?" and the very idea of the place is for married men to go see some strange. live people. talk about competition. she never was one for good decisions. i suppose i could be one of those decisions. morality is not a strong point of mine.
isnt it weird that someone leaves you because they dont want your attention anymore, (i must admit i was terrible at ignoring her) but as soon as i do, im getting contacted again? as soon as i start talking to someone new, there she is. like she knows. like she knows she was almost out of my head completely, she kicks the door open. for no reason. no logical reason what-so-ever. and to say things without saying anything. like "i saw your friend" as a text message after the first time in 3 years that two weeks pass without us talking.
she tells me "forget about me". and then as soon as i start to, i hear a rapping. a tapping at the door.
she needs the attention. the job tells me so. every minute of every waking day tells me so. tells me she doesnt want or need my attention anymore, but makes no efforts to help me do that. keeps herself around. makes me remember. makes me think.
a person that knows everything is wrong, but wont admit it. a person who's family split up over alcoholism and drugs. a person who is still mentally 5 years old because thats the last time she remembers being happy.
i know that drinking every single day doesnt make you an alcoholic?
why is it so easy to travel paths that youve seen others lead to destruction?
a person who isn't really a person. she doesnt know who she is. and down this path, never will.
the tips tell her who she is. the comments and the friend requests make who she is.
nothing real matters to her, or it wouldnt be a new mask every year.
real love, real attention, real thoughtfullness, worry, and wonder, don't matter. one person is not enough.
it was almost love at first sight when i saw the little rocker girl. a few tattoos, looking right out of a limp bizkit video. beautiful. the most gorgeous smile ive ever seen. i didnt see her for a year after that, and when i did, she was head to toe uber-goth. huge fake dreads. she is beautiful alone, the makeup made her ugly. the huge boots and the futuristic robot clothes were a huge turn off. that wasnt who i knew. half of me thinks i should have stuck with my gut feeling that said to run away.
at the same time i was intrigued. but anyone that changes that much in that short of a time, when they're already in their 20's, has something going on. either has some strange motives or strange issues.
no one will really ever know, because why let things out? why be a real person and face problems and issues? isnt it easier to just pull the wool over everyone's eyes? it might be easier now, but just wait for later.
im not even sure why ive gotten so into this.
i went to work in a great mood the other day for the first time in a while, because the night before i spent 2 hours on the phone with an amazing girl i just met. we talked like old friends, which i can barely do with actual old friends.
then at about 8:30 am, probably still awake from the night before, i hear that ringer than only she has on my phone. its my ex. my good mood is gone before i get to the phone. i dont even go to it right away because she cannot actually communicate, so i figured it was a text message. when i wasnt busy anymore, i went to check it.
"your friend was in the club last night"
i think to myself, what is the point of this. is this to arouse jealousy? contempt? its not something i need to know, and its not even something i care about, to become jealous. i think of all the smart ass responses i could give her.
(too bad for him, i saw that shit for free)
(did it make you feel beautiful?)
(did you give him the big rub?)
but having turned a page in my life, i decided i would say nothing. why let her win. i need to show her i am ignoring and forgetting, and im not thinking about her.
so i dont send any response.
fifteen minutes later, that ringer again, from across the room. again i am busy and dont make it to the phone right away. now i am laughing to myself, because she couldnt handle me not answering her the first time. im supposed to be in love. im supposed to be wanting her. im supposed to beg for her back. but i dont want to.
"he asked if i was doing ok. do you believe him"
looking at this message, and honestly confused, maybe it was the savant in her, but i had to respond to this one.
(i dont even know what you just asked me) i send
she sends back :
"dont worry bout it. have a good day. i left you a random message on SG"
have a good day i think? whatever. but now not only has she texted me for no reason, but she said nothing at all, other than she said nothing on SG and i should go read it right away, so i can give her my attention.
it took a day or two for me to get here, and it was a message again that said nothing. there was words, but not saying anything. it didnt illicit a response. and even if it did, i wouldnt have.
so today i am back on the computer. because last night i thought, ill put up a new blog so i dont have to see her comments. which confuse the one person who reads my bullshit besides her, apparently.
i logged in to SG to just post a new blog saying "the person you are calling is dead".
but then i thought, she's actually on here so rarely, as am i, that i should see what else changed. hence the panic at the disco comment. jumping on trends like trampolines.
my brain instantly went over conversations i had today with people at work about this whole scenario, and for some reason the fingers started typing. isnt that what this blogging is all about?
actually its just about knowing im saying it as if im talking to my best friend in the world. its very comfortable.
the irony is, only SHE will see it.
and then i'll get another message that doesnt say anything. they all just carry the underlying message of her waving her hand, saying "here i am!, here i am!". which is how she lives her life.
here i am.
Sometimes people don't really know what they want, and some people never really figure it out. Ultimately though you have to do what's best for you and you can't always wait around hoping someone else gets it together. In those cases sometimes you have to cut people off. In the best case scenario you're able to make a clean break and just walk away, but sometimes it takes a direct confrontation for someone to get the message.
I know both of you, so I don't want to get in the middle of it too much, but that's my advice from one friend to another. I'd say it to anybody ina similar situation.