sliggy

AGGRAVATION!!!!

The word of the evening, folks. But, honestly, it's more frustration than anything else. Ever feel like you can observe the lives of others with such accuracy? That everything, from an outsider's point of view, makes total sense and can be approached with logic and understanding? Problems that would otherwise confuse your friends have simple solutions that are quite obvious, to you? Especially those dealing with relationships? YET, when it pertains to yourself, you have NO FUCKING CLUE what to do?

Normally, I don't talk about my problems, mainly because I have the impression that no one really cares to hear it. They have problems of their own, ya know. Plus I am used to listening to my friends and family talk about their issues, but when it is my turn I am usually blown off. So, needless to say, I have developed a complex.

But fuck it, I am gonna rant anyway. It's 2:00am and I am tired and frustrated. Might as well write about it, gather my thoughts, blow some steam. And you never know, maybe I will have an epiphany. And it's a long story. A REAL fucking long story, so if no one reads it, I don't blame you.

I've known this girl for over 6 years. When I met her, she was dating my friend's brother (Everybody got that?). She had gotten my number from my friend to ask if I wanted to go to a Bulls game with them. Since then, we have called one another. It turned out, her boyfriend was not the greatest, most devoted of individuals, and after a long period of complaining about him she broke up. Almost immediately after they broke up, she went after me, hardcore. She even wrote me a letter saying she loved me. I know we had been flirting the entire time we knew one another, but for two people that never even dated it really caught me by surprise. So when she wanted to get together, I told her that we should calm things down. She just stopped dating someone I knew, which made it awkward for me, plus "love" was a really strong word to say. I knew she was upset, I didn't mean to hurt her. Truth was, I really REALLY wanted to be with her, but it happened all of a sudden and way to quickly. I was caught of my guard. Reluctantly, and stupidly, I suggested to be friends.

Well, soon after, she dates a couple losers cause she started hanging out with a particularly bad friend (She lost all of her good friends due to her only hanging out with her boyfriend). This friend introduced her to some real dirtbags. One even date raped her. She ran to me and told me about that one. I felt so terrible. I wish I could have done something to have prevented that from happening to her. The tears in her eyes as she told me about what happened made me die inside.

Eventually, through this friend, she starts dating this moron that is a complete waste of space. He doesn't work, spends her money on himself and his friends, treats her like shit by making her believe she doesn't deserve nor could be with anyone better, and is an overall immature prick. Well, again, she complains and tells me about how this guy is a jerk. I ask her why the fuck is she with him then? She says the usual, "Well if he does it one more time, then I am gonna break up with him." During their painful 3 year stint, we flirt up a storm and I dated other people, but there was always a hidden thought of "us" lingering. Constantly talking about what we want in a relationship, inuendos, etc. Well, it turns out this guy has fucked with her head so much, it is actually causing her to have stress and panic attacks. Her body is going through physical harm because of him. So she breaks up with him.

Towards the end of that relationship, our phone calls increased, we made plans to hang out and do all kinds of things. However, she made a comment that she wanted to take a break before getting into another relationship. I wanted to be with her, but I respected her decision for space, so I never "officially" brought up the idea. But I felt it was already established in our conversations that we wanted to be with each other. So I figured she just need time to relax and it would happen.

THEN, out of no where, she mentions this guy at her work that keeps trying to date her. She says she isn't interested and that she didn't want to date anyone she worked with, plus he is the boss' son. I'm like, was this an attempt to make me jealous? So I bite and decide to ask her out, officially. We decide to meet at a local bar, and she brings THE WORK DUDE! Claiming later they are just friends, I am kinda pissed. I never got a chance to ask her. Then she pretty much starts to blow me off. Plans get cancelled, yet she hangs out with this guy all the time. I was hurt, concidering what we had discussed and shared over the years that I would be so quickly abandoned for some dude she just met at work, especially after she just got done telling me she wasn't interested. I have a sit down with her, explaining why I was disappointed, and let her know how a felt. Then she claims she had no idea, which I know was bullshit. With the conversations we've had, c'mon. Give me a break.

Now she claims they are friends, even to the point of giving me explainations why they are hanging out, when I never asked for them. We go out for dinner, and in the conversation, she mentions how this dude goes with her to her brother's wedding, quickly adding, for no reason, that he only went cause she didn't have anyone else to go with her. ( I was out of town, but that's not the point). I said, it sounded like the two of them were becoming serious. She insists they are just friends.

I get an email from her, you know those ones with the survey you are supposed to fill out and send to your friends, etc.? Well, she sends me one with her answers attached, and wants me to respond with mine. As I am reading it, I come across the question, "What is the first thing you think about when you wake up?" Her answer: My boyfriend, Ian.

My name is Tom.

Needless to say, I was pissed that she lied to me and was trying to play me. Further down I read, "Have you ever been in love?" Her answer: I think I am in love right now! So much for "just friends".

I respond to her email by simply asking her not to email or call me, again. Very polite and to the point. She asks why and I tell her I don't want to continue any relationship, friends or otherwise with someone who cannot be honest or show me the respect I show them. She responds, I didn't lie to you about Ian. Now the trick here, folks, is that I never mentioned anything about Ian. But, it's funny she brought him up, aye? She continues to lie about lying, and even after I explain to her, with evidence in plain view, all she kept saying was I didn't lie, me and Ian JUST started dating, which is why you didn't know about it, but it's not exclusive. Now forgive me if I am wrong, but she called him her boyfriend. Usually, that means an exclusive relationship, and she said she loved him.

Now either she is playing me, him, or both of us. So I walk away.

After months of not talking to her, she continuously calls and emails about how we should really talk about this. I couldn't understand why she would keep trying after so long. Normally someone would try 3, maybe 4 times, but she kept going. She even called before she went on a vacation to London, saying she'd call as soon as she got back, and she did!

so with a combination of curiosity, closure, and weakness, I caved and decided to meet with her. She finally admitted she lied and tried to pass it off like she did so to protect my feelings. I already explained to her prior, I didn't mind if she dated someone else, as long as he treated her well and she was happy. So I didn't buy that, plus I gave her many opportunities to spill the beans, but she chose to continue lying. She had no excuse for that. She admitted what she did was wrong and she wanted to try to be friends again.

Well, over drinks, guess what, she starts to tell me how things are getting bad with work, cause Ian is now her supervisor, making things uncomfortable. Great, here we go again. This time, I offered no comfort, no advice, no compliments. Now we have hung out a few times since then, and each time, we laugh and talk for a while, but we always have these awkward pauses when it comes to saying goodbye. And we used to be much looser around each other, now things seem uncomfortable and weird. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

She called me saying we needed to get together cause she had something to tell me. I am wondering, did she break up? Did she get engaged? Is she pregnant? No, she is up for a promotion that could lead to her moving 2 states away for at least a year. Greeeeeeeaaaaat. Tonight I had dinner with her. And we laughed pretty good, even made plans to hang out tommorrow, but at the end, we sat in my driveway(she drove) and we talked for 20 minutes. There would be a pause and then someone would start talking again. It was like both of us were prolonging our time together, waiting for something to happen but not doing anything. Then, when I finally said goodnight, there was another pause, and I ended up giving her a hug. I wanted to kiss her. GOOD GOD, did I want to kiss her. But I didn't. I couldn't decide if this was something I should do or if it was something she wanted me to do. I just couldn't read her. All I can think about now is whether or not she wanted me to do something, has she been waiting for me to do something all this time or is she just setting me up to be played all over again. I mean, she is still with that guy, he even called her while we were at dinner (he was up were she is relocating on business, and relaying apartment info...supposedly). I just can't figure it out. I hate being so dumb when it comes to myself.

So, to sum up, I am an A class shmuck.

whoa, did I just write a fuckin' novel, WTF?!