A little something that we can all do with a little more of.
Pessimism has plagued me for, oh, about 92% of my life. When we say 'the glass is half full', I always excelled at being on the wrong side of full. Like some dark influence, pessimism has ridden loyally by the side of this man for a lifetime. Or, about 34 years of these 36 lived. But there's beauty in the darkness. It's alluring, and mysterious. Like a siren perched on a shaggy rocks edge, I'm drawn to its call. I feel it's harder to find beauty in the plain-in-view. The obvious. The regular and the day to day. Look, I know it's there. I know it exists. It can be seen. To me, it's infrequent and as mercurial as a sighting of a pixie allowing itself to be seen in the folds and camouflage of a trees foliage.
The problem I face is, Happiness is so big picture. There are so many connotations attached to the scope and magnitude of happiness. It's what we pursue, set out to achieve, hope to attain, grasp ahold of, yearn for etc, etc. But it's sooooo MEGA in scale. To me, Happiness is simply the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I always thought it was the pot of gold itself that I am after but I realise I need a sensation to go with that side of wealth.
That's where I think I'm going wrong. Some days I think I've almost got it right, but then a glance at the daily world news 'Terror, horror, fear hotline' and it scrambles away like some troglodyte out on day release and bam, hello pessimism, you saucy minx.
But back to this Big Picture Happiness thing. That stuff is just so long-term. Seriously, it's out there and can be achieved, you just have to win THE lottery to lock it down to be able to nuzzle and suck from its gooey teats for the rest of your life. Where is this cursed elixir!
There needs to be a day to day. Pessimism, however bad she is, has always been the easy day filler. The quick hit. That's why so many of us cling to its side. We clamp on like a thirsty infant, but this drink is spoiling us from the inside out. I know it, but the milk is so reliable and warming, sometimes it seems I can't get enough! Contrary to Happiness, (the seemingly unattainable) pessimism is nice to know you have something to rely on.
There is however, I am loathe to admit, something else out there. As readily available as pessimism, and as good as I am at utilising pessimism I fear that I may have discovered something else. Well, rather it was taught to me. By the most unexpected presence. Let's call it 'The new, um, not black, but gossamer'. Gulp. I'm going to say it now. This brilliant pessimist is going to share it now.
Joy.
Joy is the smallest word. It comes from nowhere. It's HUGE! It stops by, does its thing, then takes off. How do I know of this Joy thing? I've seen it. It's MEGA. I've felt it. It was good! It was unexpected, it didn't stay long, but wow, what a thing it was. This Joy sensation dropped by me, got itself all up in my insides, rubbed itself all around in there, completely eviscerated pessimism and all of ITS warming goodness and then took off, leaving me with a, almost ashamed to admit, a glow.
Joy is absolutely instant, without expectation, completely unreliable but all encompassing. It comes from no where, does its thing then gets the hell out Dodge. I see it in my tiny 4 month old daughter. She's full of the stuff. It comes out constantly. I've seen it before in children but what kind of dedicated pessimist would I be if I were to abandon my devotion so readily, so easily. I know as a child I was in a constant state of joy. It's beautiful and easy and echoes to those around us. But life happens. Disappointment shrouds Joy in its shadow. Expectation squashes Joy and her casual way. But I'm starting to see a bit more of this Joy around me everyday and what's more it's easy to make more of. It's interchangeable, free, tangible and ready to fill us to the brim when we want it. Go get some. Go make some. Joy, you raunchy mistress. Stop by anytime....