slayerboy

Welp, it looks like my other job is not going to slow down anytime soon. And I'm getting fucked royal in the ass at my full-time job. My full-time job has decided to fuck all their full time associates and force them to work at least one night or weekend day a week. Fine. But the fucks who do the scheduling have taken it upon me not to ask my opinon about working EVERY FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING NIGHT! I wouldn't mind working a couple of Saturday nights, cuz I know I don't really have a life, but oncein a while i do got out unplanned and light up the town. I also found out that one of the managers at another location resigned. Big shit's comin down and lots of moves are happening. I have a feeling I might get shafted again. I knew it was too damn quite far too long. Despite working 20+ hours at my part-time job on top of my full-time, I actually enjoy working at this part-time job. It's not easy money, but it's LABOR. Something that most peole are not used to doing for a job. I prefer manual labor/factory work a hell of a lot more than I like bullshitting customers about computers and office products like my FT job.

I apologize to everyone for not being on and responding to anything. I'm in a huge downward spiral in my life right now because I haven't been able to work out and work off all my pent up frustration from my FT job and shit. I've reverted back to ALL of my bad habits that i gave up when I started working out. Depression has set back in again. I think the seasons chaning might have something to do with it too. I don't remember the last time I saw sunshine. Xmas shit is everywhere. Pretty soon I'll be listening to Xmas music 16 hours a day with both of my jobs. And people thought I was a grinch last xmas? Holy shit they ain't seen nothin yet.

Part of the depression is this damn love life of mine. Meaning I have none. I'm fucking 27 years old in December. I've never had a fucking date. Never seen a woman naked. Well.....with the exception of the baachelor party I went to in June....yeah...lot's of nakedness there. But that's besides the point. I'm going to be brutally honest here, not caring who I offend anymore....... I'm sick of using my hand. I'd rather lust over a woman's body when she cares about me, rather than lust after my monitor that fades in and out meaning it's going to die on me anyday now. Dammit, I don't want to fucking spend another xmas alone. Yeah, I have familiy and friends. But now that I'm "older" everyone around me has that SO that they spend time with. And New Year's is starting to become the same bullshit..

I know, I know...I should go out and pick up a chick.

And I'm not trying to blame my disability or make anyone feel sorry for me. But my disability SUCKS.

See, 99% of people out there might look menacing and creepy, but all they have to do is flash a smile, and that all goes away. I can't smile. I can't show facial expressions. I have a very hard time communicating beause of this. When I see women, they look at me for a second and turn their heads. Fine, I'm good with that. But when I go up to women (and yes, it's been every woman I've ever encountered), they have a look on their face that tells me they are freaked out. And they say "hi" with that shaky voice meaning, "Why are you talking to me, I don't want to even know you exist, FREAK!"

So, ok....I realize that I can't pick up a girl like 99% of guys out there and I have to make friends with more women. So, I have been trying. This part-time job has made me see that. At first these women look scared that they have to work with me. Then they get to know me and realize I'm just an ordinary guy. Then, I find a girl who is a friend who I really like. So I ask them out for a beer or coffee. And that shaky voice and the creeped-out look immediatly turns on. And then they ignore me from then on.

I was set up by a friend with this one girl. She turned out to be a druggie and told me tons of lies just to please her friend that set me up. Then I got stood up by her and nobody wants to set me up anymore.

I had an internet relationship. Went great. I really got to know the girl. I took an 18 hour bus tirp down to see her and when she met me she acted all creeped out. Even tho I showed her pictures and was completely upfront with what she was getting into. Then I found out she had a boyfriend and had one the whole time we planned on meeting. Another 18 hour bus ride homw never felt so horrible.

I read all these advice columns about guys who are too shy to get the girl, and these columns hit the nail on the head with their advice, except i find nothing that could help me.

I don't mean to be droaning on about this, but like i said, I'm depressed and my life is a fast downward spiral. On top of all this, one of my parents' friends (who I know preety well) has been sick most of the summer. He's been in and out of the hospital, and getting sicker and sicker. I just found out tonight that he has cancer. The whole left side of this chest and lungs is cancerous. They could do radiation, but that would only give him a couple of weeks.

God life sucks right now.