slayerboy

"Dreams" -- Van Halen
World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin' down
Better change your tune
Yeah, you reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby, just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

Yeah, we'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
Higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Oh, we'll get higher and higher
Who knows what we'll find?

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of

hmmm.... I couldn't help repeating this song over and over again when I heard it on the way home from work tonight on "Hair Nation" on SIRIUS.

This is one of my favorite VanHalen songs of all time. This is one of those songs that just means so much to me. It helped me out a lot in my teens. And, no surprise, it's helped me out now.

Ok, I have a confession. I haven't updated in a while because I've been in a spiralling depression that hit rock bottom (is still at rock bottom?) the past couple of weeks. Suicidal, yeah, you could say that. But you know what's so fucked up, is I always bounce back like nothing is wrong. Shit just seems to fall apart and I can't take it anymore. It felt like I was 18 instead of 29 these last few weeks.

Most of you know I've been looking at a mobile home. Well, that deal fell through. Let's just say it needed some major work that didn't make sense for the value of a mobile home. So in the mean time I found a house. Yes, it needs a LOT of work. Yes, it will take a LOT of time. This house is an amazing deal. I highly doubt I'll have any trouble getting it, and I am pre-approved for a mortgage that the house fits in this range. Well, the other problem is I was lead to belive that you could buy a house without any money down depending on the programs that are available for first-time home buyers. WRONG. I need $3,000 at least. So I'm running around trying to find how I can scrape up the dough so I can put a down payment on the house, meanwhile some fucking dipshit puts an insane offer for the house the next day I look at it. So far, the owner said no deal. Basically, long story short, is that in order for me to time it right, I need to sign a contract by August 1st to be able to move out of my apartment before I have to sign another lease on October 1st.

This sent me even further down the spiral of depression, not to mention I am lonely as fuck. I'm working my ass off, just trying to stay busy so I don't get even more lonely. If any of my friends even remotely cared about me, they have a funny way of showing it, especially the ones that NEVER FUCKING CALL ME! now I know who my true friends are, but really most of it's my fault anyways.

But the real truth of the matter, and this is where that song comes in, is that I've realized that growing up, and even now, my parents are dreamkillers. When I told them about the house, they gave me all kinds of shit. When I told them I wasn't going to get the house, at least right now, they were almost HAPPY for me! WTF!?!?!

I've finally resolved in my mind, that I no longer give a flying fuck what my parents think of me. I used to think it was just my mother who thought everything I did was shit, but i've realized my father is and has always been in on it. They are two of the most pessimisstic assholes. Anytime I wanted to go for something, they had to be a little too realistic about the shit, because they didn't want me to fail. I've realized they are afraid of failure beyond belief. They would rather NOT take chances and fail instead of living their boring old fucking life. Rather, they don't want me to fail.

I've proved them wrong my whole life, and I've spent my whole life trying to prove to them that I can handle failure. I might not be able to handle rejection by the entire female species, but I can handle failure. They don't want to see me actually do better than them. They think it's all a fake game, especially my mother. Such a hypocrite. They're just sour because both me and my sis aren't catholic anymore. My sis has gone on to be even more of a crazed religious nut as a methodist. And I've gone to the opposite side and almost borderline of being Satan himself, according to what they think. A lot of my issues come from those fucks thinking everything I do is shit and I don't know how to do anything. Even when I prove them wrong they still think I'm doing something wrong. I don't give a fuck about what they think anymore...shoulda started doing that a LONG ass time ago! I've always thought I would be one of those guys that valued family first before friends...family means everything if they don't treat you like you're a retarded fucker who doesn't know shit. I've said this before, and I'll say it again...I may LOOK retarded and fucked up, but I really do have a brain...someplace in this thick heard of mine. I really do have a heart too....it's getting colder and colder as the years go by without someone to hold.......

Oh well, I've got my dreams now, nothing but hope. The only thing I dream of now is a house on at least a little bit of land and a female to fall in love with. That's all I want. Fuck the rest. As long as I have those two things, I'll be the happiest mother fucker on the face of this damn earth. Of course, those happen to be the two things that seem the farthest away right now.

So close...yet so far away. I have nothing else to live for except for these two dreams.

I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic. Or a fucktard....whichever works