slaughtervein

Life, has been complicated as of late. When I look around, it seems like everyone else is doing better then I am. All I ask for is a break. One small loop hole where I can squeeze my foot in the door and handle the rest from there.

I am thankful for the things I -do- have. Always. My family, who I love and adore very much. A roof over my head. Food on my plate. Clothes on my back. Even thankful for you girls here on SG that give me the time of day. Friends are a hard thing to come by these days. And even the ones who -say- they're your friend. Are they really? Do they even care?

A couple of weeks from now, will be my one year anniversary of freedom. I was released from incarceration of August of last year. It's when I was rotting in a maximum security facility, that I realized I had -no- friends. I remember right before I was going to be sentneced. So-called-friends, saying don't worry bro, will write you. Don't worry bro, we'll come see you when you do this bid. Don't worry bro, we'll send you some money for your commisary....

Did they write? No. Did the come to see me? No. Did they send me money? No. And when I was released and slowly ran into them one by one, they all sang the same song. ''Hey man! Good to see you! Wow! We're glad you're out! Oh yeah man....Sorry I got tied up, my mom died, my house burned down, I broke up with my girl, my car got repoed. BUT! I -meant- to come see/write you and send you some cash!''

Ok motherfucker. Save it. Hit the bricks and tell your story walking. Stop at a store, buy some rope, then go swing from a tree. I have to see my P.O. next week. That's not going to be a good deal for me. I am supposed to be either full time employed or fulltime student or a combination of both. I was supposed to start welding school, August 2nd. I couldn't affored the enrollment fee though. So I didn't make it in. Now I have to quick scramble and find a job in less then a week. My license has also expired. It cost 45 bucks to reinstate it. I don't have that either. I owe restitution to the courts for the ''crimes I commited'.

Everyone has their hand out. And my pockets are empty. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep my head above water. I'm sinking slowly. And I can see the shark fins closing in around me. I don't want to go back to a life of crime. I hated it. But I did what I had to do, to survive. Now I'm slipping back into that survival mode. I'm afraid I'm going to end up incarcerated again. I told myself I'd never go back. I guess I lied. But what really sucks is, I'm passed the ''two-time-loser'' stage. I get one more felony conviction, I go away from 25 years to life. The judge told me when he sentenced me last time. If he EVER sees me again, he is going to put me away for the rest of my natural life.

I'm tired of playing the ''good guy''. Being the nice guy. Both of wich are one in the same. And both always finish -last- Either way, I'm done. The system 'knew' I'd be back. And they were right. I have so much pent up rage and hatred inside of me. I want to lash out and rage against the world. I close my eyes and all I see is darkness and flames. I really tried. To better myself as a man, as a person. But it's no use. I am who I am. I'll always be ''The Villian''. I'm debating on wether I'd even let the pigs take me alive. All you hardcore deathmetal fans know. Six Feet Under, when Chris Barnes and Ice-T teamed up for the track ''One Bullet Left'' Story of my life right there.

After all the horrible things I've done, I'm still afraid of death. And scared of going to Hell. I want to change. I want to be better. But everytime I try, I get thrown back down. Laying in the dirt of my corruption. The cold and cruelty of the rest of the world, I see Hell. My body grows hot, my blood boils. It's like I can -feel- Satan reaching up, just beneath the surface and he scratches my soul. The wounds burn, they grow bigger, larger. Soon I will fall into myself, opening my own gateway to the Underworld. Through the blazing shadows of my own pathetic spirit.

Now my fear and sadness turns to madness and fury. I hate the world. I hate the human race. I even hate myself. I just want to crush and destroy everything I see. To embrace the dark inside of my and let the fire explode, turning my vengeful wrath into a nuclear fall out of epic proportions. To have my very presence exude bolts of lightening that strike down every living thing around me. To see the look of horror and fear in the hearts of fellow mortals as they quiver in shock when they hear and feel my thunder.

To expand into a giant dark cloud that shrouds the earth. Bring forth the storm of all endings. The Apocalypse cultivated from my own sin. Scorch the land, dry up the seas, blacken the sky. The world keeps on pushing me. May the powers that be help them, when I -push- back...

And the people say? ''What is the matter with you, SlaughterVein?''
And I reply, ''The -matter- is actually mind over matter. I don't mind. And you don't matter. Death spoke to me today. He whispered something to me. He told me -your- name....Time to pay The Reaper...''