slaughtervein

It's been nearly a week, since I've last posted. And I know I also promised you all the fourth installment to the story ''Mistress LaSombra'', by the weekend. I've seemed to have fallen short of that mark as well. And I promise you all, I will put up the next chapter as soon as I can.

Things have been really bad for me lately. I've changed my life around entirely. I've been on a quest for the better part of a year now, to better myself as a man. As a human being. I used to live -another- life. And be another person. Not a very nice one at that.

I ran into some trouble with the law a few years back, and it costed me a lot. Not just time wise or financially, but I've put my family and the few people who care about me through hell. And yet my nightmare still continues as more and more, old demons from my past come back to haunt me. It's like the Devil sees I'm trying to change my ways so he sends as many hardships my way as he possibly can. Hoping that I slip and fall. And wind up back in the rut I was in a few years back.

I'll be honest with you all now my friends. I've done a lot of terrible, horrible things in my past. So in a sense, maybe it's ''Divine Justice'' and I'm just getting what I deserve. But all I'm asking is for a second chance. And I've really tried hard at changing my ways.

Around this time last year (August actually) I was -released- from being incarcerated. I just got done serving two bids in two different states. My sentences were'nt as harsh as they could've been, but I definately lost years off of my life because of it all.

There's nothing worse, then sitting in a cold dark cell at night. On christmas looking out your window. You can't even see the snow or the sun or anything, all you see is a concrete wall topped with rows and rows of razor wire. And in maximum security facilities, you're locked down a lot unless you're on a work crew of some kind.

I've stated this before to a select few. I am not saying my life is/was the hardest. And believe me, it can ALWAYS be worse. But my life wasn't the easiest, either. I witnessed my first homocide when I was three years old. And since then have seen many friends and foes alike, brutally murdered right in front of me.

I grew up on the inner-city streets of various ghettos in New York. And because I was a loner and not affiliated with a gang, I had to do things myself to survive. I too, have had to -hurt- people. Because if it was'nt them, then it'd be me. And if you're seen as weak or soft, you're dead. So naturally, I -adapted- to my surrounding. Evolved to survive in my environment. You had to be just as cold and as cruel as the world around you.

In my world, life was a giant cemetary. You were born and just waited to die. To be killed, or thrown in prison for the rest of your natural life. The world was a graveyard alright. But the only catch was, the strong dug the graves and the weak layed in them. I let myself go. I became -used- to such a lifestyle. And as I lost my innosence, I also lost my humanity. My sanity...and perhaps even my soul.

Please believe me my friends when I tell you all, I really have tried to change. It's just so hard. It's like, once you make the decision to live a positive and productive life, everything and anything that can go wrong or stand in your way, does. I just can't win. No matter how hard I try. It's like it's my destiny, to be cursed. For my soul to burn. To die a brutal death. To be forgotton as man and only remembered as a monster. What kind of legacy of darkness, will I leave behind? How will those who knew me, speak of me when I'm gone?

Sometimes I feel like God and the Devil are laughing at me while I hold the gun to my head. Playing Russian Roulette with The Grim Reaper. Watching...Waiting...*Click* nothing...*Click* nothing again...But soon. any turn now...*Click*- and we all fall down.

I thought I was a strong man. But I am truly weak. Almost pathetic. my will is broken. My spirit is crushed. My heart is filled with unbound rage and unfathomable hatred. I even scare myself sometimes. My blood boils with madness and fury. I hate life. And I hate the world. All I wanted to do, was start over. To make good on my horrid past. I look around. And I see many who've made mistakes. Life altering mistakes of the highest magnitude. And they have changed their ways and are now doing fine. It's like everyone else deserves a second chance but me.

Who am I? And what have I become? Is this, how my story is supposed to end? I just want peace now. I want my soul back. I want peace of mind, heart and spirit. But all I get is darkness. Void of all light. Void of all hope. A place where I am nothing more then, shadows and dust...

Like I said my friends, hopefully soon I can start the story up again. But right now, I'm in very bad shape. So we'll see.
We shall see, indeed...