Hey Everybody! I hope you all are well. I'm having a hell of a time with a boyfriend who is quiting smoking. It's hard for both of us. He is just raging! Just sitting alone he is pissed off. It's like he has actually been an uncontrolably angry psycopath for most of his life, it's just it was suppressed by the cigarettes. Now it's all coming out. I always thought he was a sweet lovable mellow cutie pie, at the moment that discription isn't even on the same planet with him. Alas, no rest in sleep either. I am haunted by his attitude, but I can only hope it will get better. Has anyone else gone through this? I love him through thick and thin, and am leaning an incredible amount through this. He is more open to telling me what I do that frustraits him (No, I am not a perfect angel), which hurts my feelings, especially when not broken gentley. But hey, I love learning, growing, and honesty, so I can't complain too much.
Man, I see my bullshit, the mental process that holds me back from living a free life, I want to fight it, I want it gone. I know I can do it. Just fucking look it in the face. How do I find the root of feelings I've experienced burried for so long. I want to slice these feelings from my gut, hang them from a tree, but I don't think I can. I think they are part of me, some sick and twisted aspect of self, so I am forced to accept them.
Puh, yeah that's easy! Is it that hate of one aspect of self, produces love of that aspect in the subconcious, or even obsession? Isn't it enough, that I hate that aspect of myself, I don't want it, Dosn't that take care of the fact that I have it? Why can't it just go away?
Moby is on a christian network right now talking about his views on Chrisianity, it's pretty cool. They are pretty on target with what I think. I think there are some pretty beautiful aspects of Christianity, if you focus on the concepts of forgivness, giving, humility. But, I don't agree with opressing people with idea that their basic instincts are sin, or that you should give your money to place that may not practice what it preaches, by not caring for and accepting all people with open arms. I came from a church backround where they practiced what they preached, as best I knew, but I have moved on. The source of life, if there is one, seems to be broad and non specific, and ever changing in every moment, because we are life, we are creating and destroying our universe in every breath. Wow, that brings peace to my heart, when just a moment ago, the concept of peace gave me shivers and pains to feel, because of my jadedness?, I wondered if peace was still obtainable.
Kids know what's right and wrong when they're young. It so simple, when they grow up, it seems they want to cure cancer and save the environment. How is it that a once perfectly good kid could grow up to cut medicaid, start the Iraq war, and have such a destructive and selfish agenda? Do the selfish adults doing these things, think that keeping the majority of wealth for themselves will make their lives better? If so they are dead wrong. They will have a hard time facing themselves on their death bed. Their idea of wealth is wrong too, so who is fooling who? In the end they are only fooling themselves. What happened to their copmpas of what is right and wrong? Their compas got jacked up. Who jacked it up? They should get their up and comings. What do you do when you feel people are trying to jack up your compas? Is that why peace on earth seems so hard to obtain?
What is death? Am I ready? I judge myself for not jumping off the cliff, and dealing with my bullshit, and changing for the better. Face your fears. I want my heart to beat. I want to be a real boy. I feel complacent and it bothers me. I wait to bump into walls to show me how to live. The hards spots show you the edge. I feel that is where I am.
Man, I see my bullshit, the mental process that holds me back from living a free life, I want to fight it, I want it gone. I know I can do it. Just fucking look it in the face. How do I find the root of feelings I've experienced burried for so long. I want to slice these feelings from my gut, hang them from a tree, but I don't think I can. I think they are part of me, some sick and twisted aspect of self, so I am forced to accept them.
Puh, yeah that's easy! Is it that hate of one aspect of self, produces love of that aspect in the subconcious, or even obsession? Isn't it enough, that I hate that aspect of myself, I don't want it, Dosn't that take care of the fact that I have it? Why can't it just go away?
Moby is on a christian network right now talking about his views on Chrisianity, it's pretty cool. They are pretty on target with what I think. I think there are some pretty beautiful aspects of Christianity, if you focus on the concepts of forgivness, giving, humility. But, I don't agree with opressing people with idea that their basic instincts are sin, or that you should give your money to place that may not practice what it preaches, by not caring for and accepting all people with open arms. I came from a church backround where they practiced what they preached, as best I knew, but I have moved on. The source of life, if there is one, seems to be broad and non specific, and ever changing in every moment, because we are life, we are creating and destroying our universe in every breath. Wow, that brings peace to my heart, when just a moment ago, the concept of peace gave me shivers and pains to feel, because of my jadedness?, I wondered if peace was still obtainable.
Kids know what's right and wrong when they're young. It so simple, when they grow up, it seems they want to cure cancer and save the environment. How is it that a once perfectly good kid could grow up to cut medicaid, start the Iraq war, and have such a destructive and selfish agenda? Do the selfish adults doing these things, think that keeping the majority of wealth for themselves will make their lives better? If so they are dead wrong. They will have a hard time facing themselves on their death bed. Their idea of wealth is wrong too, so who is fooling who? In the end they are only fooling themselves. What happened to their copmpas of what is right and wrong? Their compas got jacked up. Who jacked it up? They should get their up and comings. What do you do when you feel people are trying to jack up your compas? Is that why peace on earth seems so hard to obtain?
What is death? Am I ready? I judge myself for not jumping off the cliff, and dealing with my bullshit, and changing for the better. Face your fears. I want my heart to beat. I want to be a real boy. I feel complacent and it bothers me. I wait to bump into walls to show me how to live. The hards spots show you the edge. I feel that is where I am.