skizzyk

Tonight was a weird night. A close friend is visiting from Tennessee so we went to the improv and then to a bar. It was SO weird. Weird is the only word I can put to it right now. Mind you, I am still SOBER throughout all this so going to these places is still quite a challenge for me especially when everyone else is drinking. At the improv, I got this strong urge to use and abuse my drug of choice. My body physically craved it! It was unbelievable what my body was going through. My stomach was cramping, my mouth was watering, I could taste the substance in my mouth AND the obsession of the mind was OUT OF THIS WORLD! It lasted the whole time we were there and is still there now. The urge to USE is GREAT! If the drugs were within reach I would definitely use without question and that is DANGEROUS for me. I should probably call my sponsor but, I don't want to wake her up. Especially knowing I shouldn't have even put myself in that situation. I guess. I didn't know the urge would be so GREAT. It is OVERWHELMING! It is like my body is going through withdrawals from the drug and I haven't even used in over sixty days now. Then when I got to the bar, it was hard not to take a shot. I mean they were RIGHT THERE for me to take right off the tray. I could have easily taken one and no one would have known. But...I didn't! It WAS HARD! I never knew it would be SO HARD! I THOUGHT....I THOUGHT I was strong. I guess I was strong enough to say no at that moment but it was HARD. My body is craving it so bad right now. I can hardly stand it. I should definitely make a couple of meetings tomorrow for sure. As many as possible.

Well that's what is going on in my little head at 3:00 in the morning on a Saturday. It sucks ass! I don't think I will be going to any clubs for awhile. It's just too hard for me. Look what I have to go through. It sucks BIG TIME!