Right now i havent got my usual mask on. Ive hit a wall mentally in a sense. I noticed this this morning when i woke up and struggled yet again to get out of bed. Usually i get up before my little one as i like to be organised for her but i physically couldnt do it today.
I have a stack of washing up i cant face. Usually i cant face leaving any mess.
I havent exercised in days. Usually i exercise everyday.
I have no motivation to do anything. I have to remind myself to drink and physically make myself.
I have no appetite. Im cooking because i know i should. I havent eaten yet today but i usually eat when i make my little one breakfast.
Does this sound familar to any of you?
Right now i feel kinda empty and tired.
Ive faced a few triggering moments in the last few weeks and its caught up with me.
Everyone has their own individual triggers.
I cant deal with men shouting near me.
Being called crazy and selfish when i open up and tell someone how im feeling
Or being told im strong and to just get over it.
I have spent years being strong. For anyone whos ever dated a narcissist or been emotionally abused you will understand what i say when i say this. You spend so much time pretedning your ok for an easy life. To attempt to stop being bullied so you can pretend everything is ok.
THIS IS EXHAUSTING it isnt healthy but you do it because you think your in love. Your always living by thinking about the 'good time' telling yourself that there will be more ao you hold on.
And when you actually speak up and say your not happy. Or you question why your treated so poorly you are told you are selfish for even questioning them or feeling this way. Then made to feel guilty that you dont appreciate them.
Or you confront them on them not veing faithful with proof. But YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE. Your making it up its in your head.
Then in the morning they act like nothing has happened. And you have to pretend your ok. Dont dare shed a tear or look sad or it will all start again.
You just want an easy life.
The relationship eventually falls apart because they leave for their next victim. Painting you as the monster. Blaming you for them leaving as you never made them happy.
This dosent mean this is the last youll hear from them. This dosent necessrily mean your little broken shell of yourself is free.
For anyone who knows me will also know that i became a mum and lost mine to cancer in the space of 4 months. The one person i would ring pretty much everyday in tears who unfortunately overheard alot of how i was spoken to. My absoulte rock.
Im not saying any of this for pity i just havent spoken openly about it and i feel as ive slowly started to find a new identity and become happy again i feel like i need to say this to be able to shut the door and move forward and keep growing.
I actually opened up to a friend of mine about all this to be told. Your strong. Get over it. I had to have councilling. Just stop thinking like this.
Now this was the cherry on top i havent spoken to this person since. I even voiced that was the worst thing to say to me at that point and i needed a friend but yeah. Get over it everyone goes through shit.
One persons trauma does not weigh anothers.
Like i said im not writing this blog for pity. I am writing this blog because i want to try and get across to people that everyone is entitled to be low.
If someone is acting out of character or actually opens the fuck up. Listen. Reasure them. Be there for them. Dont be the person who discards them like the rest of society does.
Mental health is hard to talk about. If someone is opening up about it they have already mustered up their strength to trust you enough to let you in.
I just want to thank @helenarae as well while im writing this. As you know what she had never met me in person but shes the person i messaged when i was sobbing my heart out after my friends hurt me. She was there for me and without her i would be much worse of. I dont have my mum to ring anymore but ive finally got someone who actually has my back who actually understands. And i am so thankful for that. And yeah ive done the exact same for her when shes been down.
Just have some care for those around you. We live in a selfish world why not put someone else first for a change.
Now is the time to reach out and check on those friends and family who cross your mind dont wait for them. Maybe theyre in a bad place and unable to reach out.
Kindness is free 💗
@rambo @missy @eirenne
