I'm happy.
I'm pretty definitely failing a class, I have some horrible dynamics with a group project that's the final of another class and I have no idea what to expect from my remaining two.
My relationship with my parents is pretty strained at the moment (and I'm sure that report card isn't going to help things).
My roommate's a total dick
The people that I care so so much about right now are too far away and I'm really feeling exceptionally lonely most of the time.
All this... and despite my pretty constant down-in-the-dumps mood I'm actually pretty happy. Pretty much everything about my actual life right now (with some very beautiful exceptions ♥ ) sucks. I have no idea how easy it will be or even if it will be possible for me to make everything suck less, but... there are things that I want to happen. And I can visualize them all happening.
And this morning I realized that as long as I can still want things, I'm happy. Even when I'm scared/pissed/sad/lonely, I'm happy.
I think that's a pretty encouraging thought.
What do I want? I want an adventure. A real one. Better than any I've ever had before. I want to share it with somebody. I want to just stop caring about all the things that are bothering me for a bit. I want to stare somebody in the eyes. I want to say, "I love you," and know without hearing it back that it's returned. I want to lie out in a grassy field and drown in an ocean of stars. I want to have my breath taken away and I want to replace it with strange new breaths. I want to travel to strange new places, even if I have to do it from a comfy seat in a coffee shop.
My parents have always made it seem like school was necessary. And for the things that I've wanted (and still want to some extent) it probably is. They told me that you had to play the teacher's games and work hard even when the class sucks. You have to learn things you might not care about to get to the things you do care about. I don't know about all that anymore.
All this scares me. Because I still have dreams of graduating and making lots of money. And what scares me is that for the first time I'm really starting to question those dreams. What's going to happen? I'll probably stick with school and finish it up somehow. But school work has never been terribly important to me.
Ninjutsu makes me so much happier than Theory of Computation.
I prefer working a solid 8 or 10 hour day to going to class for 3 hours and then having 5 hours of homework.
I just... can't figure out what I want. All I know is that it's not what I have right now.
But I know that I want something.
And most of the time, that's enough.
