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By Brian M Viveros

My Horoscope for today :

Be careful about taking hasty decisions; they may bring about unexpected outcomes. This is a period of wait, of introspection. Focus on your thoughts; this will stimulate your perception in ORDER not to be deceived by the external world. This period will be very important and necessary for you to grow and acquire new experiences. This is a time for being right, faithful and loyal. You'll strike up reliable and meaningful friendships.

the only people for me are the mad ones...
...the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but BURN, BURN, BURN, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

Jack Kerouac

For those of you who don't know who Jack Kerouac is here is a little bio on him Taken from Wikipidea:

Jack Kerouac (pronounced /ˈkɛruːk, ˈkɛrəwk/; March 12, 1922 October 21, 1969) was an American author, poet and painter. Alongside William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg, he is considered a pioneer of the Beat Generation.

Kerouac's work was very popular, but received little critical acclaim during his lifetime. Today, he is considered an important and influential writer who inspired others, including Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Robbins, Lester Bangs, Richard Brautigan, Ken Kesey, Haruki Murakami, Tom Waits, and writers of the New Journalism.
Kerouac's best-known books are On the Road, The Dharma Bums, Big Sur, The Subterraneans, and Visions of Cody.

I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.

Quote by Jack Kerouac

I stayed in bed last night starting at about 6 pm, with the computer on my lap and my eyes glazed over, with my own little drug called the internet.....It didn't help get rid of the itch I had to jump into a car and go to the bar.... though

I've been so stressed out I've actually broke out in hives on my neck and pimples on my face, growing up I didn't get pimples, and know I have one laughing at me. The Hives actually look like somebody was sucking on my neck, which is actually very trashy looking and I would never let anyone do that.

I love starring off at the rain it makes me feel secure and safe when I hear it . I sip my coffee and stare outside at the wetness, and I really just think "Hey I've had way to much pain in my life lately." I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, I have my own demons like everyone else, but it seems that everyone else can keep on trucking and it just does it effect them? Am I too sensitive ? or is it just to real?

Being Jobless these last 4 months I've done a lot of reading and browsing the internet. I find other bloggers who have there own troubles and they wear there pain on there sleaves.. but yet I can't find anyone like that where I am. Maybe there's only a loud to be one in 20 miles... sigh I"m tired of being alone

I spoke to sperm donor on tuesday, It went well though I couldn't finish bc he had things he had to do, story of my life nothing get's done, everything get's pushed back when it comes to him.

He did state that he wished he could move in with me and we could work out our problems and raise the child..... but he can't .. always "if only's" never actions...

I wrote him a email, first because I couldn't get a hold of him to talk. When I write it has more emotions in it, more real.



Email:
Since you wont talk to me, this is the only way I can talk to you. That is if you choose to read it, because I can see you just deleting it.

I keep hearing from you that, Your not that guy, You've said this to me a lot lately .... and I think I have to disagree with you. YOu are that guy. But to be fair I know this is something you've never been through. I won't give you the age thing though because if your man enough to fuck you need to be man enough to take responsibility.

Giles won't help us, he said it's because he does it trust you .I don't blame him though that's a lot of money to fork over. I think it's funny though how he couldn't tell you that..lol how he's talking shit behind your back and being nice to your face...It shows what kind of People are around here.

I guess your use to that though, two face People....

I'm Keeping the child, I go to another Doctor's appoinment on thursday, and I know you told me before that you want to go to them, but well were not going to kid ourselves here are we sperm donor.

I would rather have a child that the father does not want, then Kill a child for the same reason....

I thought long and hard on this and the only thing your doing to me is making me insane and that's not who I am. I threated you and I"m "manning" up John and I'm going to say sorry for that it was not right and it's not who I am.

I won't bother you, I"m going to raise this child on my own and Love him or her the best I can... because to know that the father wants nothing to do with the child is a big self esteem issue for this child. I won't have it!

I can't make you grow up or be a man , and really I don't want to, if I made you you would be just resentful and hateful, though you all ready have enough of that going on with dealing with yourself.

And believe me your not the type of man I want to set example for "my" child. I need to keep my head up, bc though I have my own issues in this my own insecurerity . My advice to you is this, You do have a impact on people's lives Sperm donor things you say and do effect People, that's why you need to treat People well. Were all humans here.

I pushed everyone away, everyone, so go to the Gman and live your life with all of my friends because they aren't in my life anymore, I hope you know though that they will never be honest with you like I have. But I think that does it bother you, I think you like to live ( like everyone else) in a fantasy world ...and have fake people .

You told me once you were worth it...Sperm donor your not to me, maybe someone but not me... this baby is worth it to me to give a change that his father never wanted for him. or her.

I hope in the future sperm donor you make better choices , I wish you the best, I really do, but I regrett meeting you and thinking you were something your not.. that's my fault not yours, you be who you are, always Disapointing but some how you get by.

Heather

oh Feb 4 is when the baby will be due just so you know take care

Okay the thing is that when I did talk to him it was it so blunt, I got my point across and all that stuff but I forgot to mention about how rough or honest this email was... sigh I"m sure he's going to go back to not talking to me.

wow this is long email I should stop, I"m airing out my dirty laundry which is not cool