sixsixsin

Im back ...after a long hiatus...much has changed in my life... i was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago as terminally ill... wow like a ton of bricks i tell ya. nothing can prepare you for that second when the doctors come in and say "You have 2-4 years to live. you can extend that by between another 2 to 5 years if you get a heart and bi-latteral lung transplant." .........FUCK THAT! the odds just dont work for me with that.. 60% chance of your body rejecting the new organs, 30% chance that you can take the anti rejection meds... i dont like the odds...anyway dealing with our "system" is total crap ive come to find out... waiting for social security...? ........and waiting.......and finding out that they deny everyone at first....(not nice to do to someone who's days are "numbered" haha..the fuckers! so here i sit and still wait... ive become very lonely... come to find out that not alot of people want a relationship with someone they know is going to die in the unpredictable not so far off future... and i swear all i want is love again... i miss love.. i dont want to leave this phase of my life for whatever happens when you die without feeling love again... physical, emotional wholehearted love...ok throw in some old fashioned nasty dirty lust and im a happy camper... but seriously! i hate sounding so fuckin emo... and whiney but isnt it a valid request? I have no more family, except for my daughter and i deffinantly get 100% unconditional love from her and yes i suppose i could go knowing that ive raised a strong intelligent beautifull creature like her..but id be lying, i need to feel the pain and joy of the other love again.. i cant go out numb........
sorry for ranting...