sixele

Wow, so today I actually wrote in my real journal for the first time in I can't remember how long. It felt really good to actually get some stuff cleard out of my head for the first time in months. I haven't been able to think straight since the move in October. All my emotions swirled up into one and nothing in my head could come out into words untill today. That usually happens when I can't sleep and the only thing I can do is think alot.
So, I thought about a few things I need to do sometime in the near future... kinda like some goals I am setting for myself. Quiting smoking is number one on my list. Only because it is making my kidneys worse than they are. Then number two is to get a REAL job. (after I am better anyway) Three- Save some money so I can go to school in San Fransico. If that doesn't work.. then use that money for a new appartment. Hopefully by then I will have some kind of life.
Eck, I HAVE a life, but it doesn't seem like a great one. The past few months have been hell on me and my body. Moving and being stressed about the Ex boyfriend. Living in a new environment and putting my kitties through the move. Dealing with my kidneys ALL THE TIME and not really having any space to myself. Starting a new relationship with someone when it still kinda hurts to love anything at all. Not even loving myself at this time. Being plain sick of life and putting up with other peoples bull-crap and DRAMA! I hate having to deal with this feeling all the time.
Being alone.... being afraid.... and hating everything about life right now. There's nothing I can do untill I get some kind of medical treatment for my kidneys. Anyway.... I am going to go dig a hole and put myself in it today.