I had cheesecake and wine with my friend Joanna last night while waiting to see the movie "School of Rock." That movie made me so happy, I cried. While munching away at my delicious Dulce de Lece cheese cake, I realized that I had very little to say. Mostly because I had no drama with women to talk about.
Two and a half months ago, I started regularly wearing a pocket watch gifted to me on my 25th birthday by Mikaela. For a long time after our relationship ended, and even during it's short tenure, the watch sort of came to represent her love for me. I remember getting really upset when it broke while we were going out. Then, one girl I knew pulled on it, carelessly putting it in jeopardy of being broken. I snapped at her like a total jerk.
Well, about three weeks ago, shortly after the last email I got from Mikaela was received, the pocket watch broke. I'm not sure how. And it broke in a way I have no idea how to fix. I put it back in a small chest I bought with Mikaela the last time we went shopping together over two years ago.
The third time I ever saw Mikaela we went to see a movie and then had a late dinner at a restaurant near the theater. I thought several times that night, "This girl is not meant to be with me. What the hell are we doing here? This relationship is not meant for me. We won't last." I had to make a decision that night to stay with her or break it off. It wasn't that hard of a choice to make. I chose to stay with her.
Over the next three and a half months and even over the proceeding years, I had run into many challenges with her that weren't worth my time to try and overcome: Many times when I had to choose between my dignity and a relationship with her, where I made the wrong choice and stayed. She did not treat me very well. These days, when she does, it never lasts long before she disappears again. Just stops answering my calls, stops calling, stops returning calls, doesn't respond to emails, just makes herself completely unavailable. I end up feeling like Forrest Gump wondering where Jenny is. I'm sure the reasons are far less poetic...
The test of Mikaela in my life has been to stand up for what I need in spite of how much I love someone. To know where my boundaries are and how to defend them. It's sort of like being faced with the choice between never murdering anyone in your life and watching your terminally ill father beg you to end his life out of mercy, except much less dramatic. What if you met someone who made your heart fly free and fill with warmth, but that person never stayed kind to you for longer than a few weeks? Then, they would treat you like they didn't give a damn about how you felt? Have you ever been faced with that sort of love?
One has to draw a line in the sand and make a stand, firm but gentle. Like soft hands that are strong. I sent her my last email a few weeks ago and I have not heard from her since. If she cannot reply to a letter like the one I sent her, I cannot offer her anything.
I don't think she will because the watch she gave me is broken.
I'm sorry if my last email seemed too firm, or like I was mad at you. I just have boundaries I won't go past for anyone, because if I do, I feel disrespected. I don't accept that in my life anymore. So, naturally, I don't want to overstep those boundaries with you. I want my friendship with you to make both of us feel good about ourselves and I'm not much interested in anything else. I hope you can understand.
It doesn't matter, she's just a girl anyway and they come and go. But if I could go back to the night of the movie, when we went to that restaurant, and make the same choice, I'd do it all over again. Some people are like magic. To be around that magic you'd risk being hurt deeply. All valuable things have a price, don't they?
Two and a half months ago, I started regularly wearing a pocket watch gifted to me on my 25th birthday by Mikaela. For a long time after our relationship ended, and even during it's short tenure, the watch sort of came to represent her love for me. I remember getting really upset when it broke while we were going out. Then, one girl I knew pulled on it, carelessly putting it in jeopardy of being broken. I snapped at her like a total jerk.
Well, about three weeks ago, shortly after the last email I got from Mikaela was received, the pocket watch broke. I'm not sure how. And it broke in a way I have no idea how to fix. I put it back in a small chest I bought with Mikaela the last time we went shopping together over two years ago.
The third time I ever saw Mikaela we went to see a movie and then had a late dinner at a restaurant near the theater. I thought several times that night, "This girl is not meant to be with me. What the hell are we doing here? This relationship is not meant for me. We won't last." I had to make a decision that night to stay with her or break it off. It wasn't that hard of a choice to make. I chose to stay with her.
Over the next three and a half months and even over the proceeding years, I had run into many challenges with her that weren't worth my time to try and overcome: Many times when I had to choose between my dignity and a relationship with her, where I made the wrong choice and stayed. She did not treat me very well. These days, when she does, it never lasts long before she disappears again. Just stops answering my calls, stops calling, stops returning calls, doesn't respond to emails, just makes herself completely unavailable. I end up feeling like Forrest Gump wondering where Jenny is. I'm sure the reasons are far less poetic...
The test of Mikaela in my life has been to stand up for what I need in spite of how much I love someone. To know where my boundaries are and how to defend them. It's sort of like being faced with the choice between never murdering anyone in your life and watching your terminally ill father beg you to end his life out of mercy, except much less dramatic. What if you met someone who made your heart fly free and fill with warmth, but that person never stayed kind to you for longer than a few weeks? Then, they would treat you like they didn't give a damn about how you felt? Have you ever been faced with that sort of love?
One has to draw a line in the sand and make a stand, firm but gentle. Like soft hands that are strong. I sent her my last email a few weeks ago and I have not heard from her since. If she cannot reply to a letter like the one I sent her, I cannot offer her anything.
I don't think she will because the watch she gave me is broken.
I'm sorry if my last email seemed too firm, or like I was mad at you. I just have boundaries I won't go past for anyone, because if I do, I feel disrespected. I don't accept that in my life anymore. So, naturally, I don't want to overstep those boundaries with you. I want my friendship with you to make both of us feel good about ourselves and I'm not much interested in anything else. I hope you can understand.
It doesn't matter, she's just a girl anyway and they come and go. But if I could go back to the night of the movie, when we went to that restaurant, and make the same choice, I'd do it all over again. Some people are like magic. To be around that magic you'd risk being hurt deeply. All valuable things have a price, don't they?