sivadelfuego

I went to Nikki's web page today and read her journal entries for the first time in a really, really long time. I read through them from SG and Deadjournal.com.

I have been avoiding it for so long. It hurt to read. Nikki always seems to be wanting apologies from me, for things I've either already apologized for several times or that I don't need to apologize for. She can get so overwhelmingly self-righteous and she can seek a sort of self-destructive revenge. It was always so hard because no matter how nice things would get between us, there was always a lurking anger for some wrong she felt I committed upon her that she still had stashed away. She has said some pretty insensitive things to me only because she feels that I have been insensitive to her. I just wanted to leave it all behind me.

I don't know if she still checks up on me. She'd be wise not to. Sometimes you should just leave the disasters behind you.

It not only hurts to read because I know how spiteful she has been against me for the wrongs she's felt I have committed upon her, but it hurts to hear her talking about some of her strange issues, the self-destructive ones, and all her bastard stalkers.

Looking at her pictures and remembering being at her home, the smell of it, watching movies and going out to do things in the cold winter darkness... I really loved Nikki, I just couldn't deal with her intensity. I am not the kind of boyfriend for an intense woman. I am not laid back enough to counter that imbalance. My intensity would just tip the scale. Next to Nikki, I was the pillar of strength. But I'm no pillar of strength. And I was far too insecure to weather her critical eye. Never, before or since, have I failed in the eyes of someone more than I did to Nikki. I wanted to go out when she wanted to stay in and she wanted to go out when I wanted to stay in. I rarely felt like I could be left alone. I felt like she depended on me, like she needed me and that's not as cool as songs for teenage lovers make it out to be. Were she to be more laid back herself, she might have noticed me swinging and swaying at times, holding on to my confidence with her by a thread.

I broke up with her in Spring. I then went to work immediately, grappling with my two-year-old unfinished business with Maria. Then, when finally I felt like I was able to give 100% of myself to someone, who ended up being Michelle, Nikki became very angry with me, not unjustly so from her perspective, but nevertheless, I was finally free to love again and I wasn't going to let anything stop me.

When Michelle kindly left me for someone else, Nikki made some ambiguous remark in my journal on SG. I imagine it was as ambiguous as it was in order to confuse me and rub something in about it not lasting as she had foreseen. If I responded angrily she could tell me I had no reason to be angry, after all, what did it mean? If I tried to call her on the ambiguity of her comment, she could imply that it was clearly a snide comment for a deserving bastard. She likes to do that slippery-fish shit to throw me off. She's a trained warrior when it comes to fighting. Point is, it was insensitive. And her rationale would be, and always is, "Well, that's charming coming from someone who is completely insensitive himself! Fuck you, Matthew!"

I couldn't deal with it. That woman had so many things to look at inside herself and I didn't want to be a continuing focal point for her procrastination any longer. As long as I was fucking her over, she always had someone else to blame for her pain other than herself. That's not to say I was an angel. I am not and I was not. But peace between us never lasted long and sometimes it was broken by things we had supposedly already dealt with.

She would never agree with me about any of what I say about her. Hence why I no longer really speak to her.

But there are always things that remind me of her and I miss some things about her companionship. She knew me well. She showed me a lot of new things that I now love with a passion. She was immensely supportive of me when I first started playing out as Stolen By Serious. She was the only person to come out and see me at Stillwater High School. And she brought someone. She spoiled me. She was funny and she laughed when I tried to make her laugh. I guess, in the best way she knew how, she loved me at least as much as she ever loved anyone. What a precious gift that was.

And we all have issues, you know? Where do they show up? They get projected right onto the people closest to us. Any of her bullshit that I felt like I had to endure was projected on me because she was human and humans do that.

And if I could speak to her, I would say that I am sorry for all the wrongs I've committed upon her. I wish her health and empowerment, peace and fulfillment, love and respect. I wish her well. And if we meet again someday, I look forward to saying hello.

But it may be the right thing to keep distance there.