sivadelfuego

I have started a relationship with Penelope Cruz. She is my interim girlfriend. Last night I was watching "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" and there were all these things that Penelope Cruz's father said that were, to me, some of the wisest things I've heard.

First, this one...

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness.
It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides.
And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part because... this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness.
It is not excitement.
It's not the desire to mate every second of the day.
It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body.
No. Don't blush.
I'm telling you some truths.
That is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.
Doesn't sound very exciting, does it?
But it is.

Then, this one...

You know I am not a religious man, but I believe this:
If there is a wound we must try to heal it;
if there is someone whose pain we can cure, we must search till we find them;
if the gods have chosen that we should survive, it will be for a reason.

Sometimes I feel as though all I am is one giant broken heart. I wonder if I only feel sorry for myself. Perhaps I am someone who seeks out the potential failures and embraces them to thwart himself, in love with his sadness and his self absorbed narcissistic stories of heartache and tragedy. Perhaps all my songs are about these things because, in some twisted way, I find beauty in them more breathtaking than any joy could inspire.

I think I am a dreamer. I think I dream of companionship and the deep bonds of love and affection. I dream of being the guitarist / singer who commands the attention of thousands of cheering fans, who's voice is heard in stereos across the globe, who's stories are well known and related to. I think it all comes down to wanting to connect with people and to be heard, respected and honored.

Each day is a challenge for me. My new job is so outside the bounds of what I've ever done before, I do not know how to do it with confidence. I will be standing before students, not much younger than I, and I will need to perform for them in a fashion that helps them learn. But I feel so unprepared that I don't even know what to ask for when thinking of the help I need.

Each day I make efforts to not think of Michelle, or at least not to think negatively of her. We were together but for six or seven weeks. To most people that's not even a relationship. I try to heal myself by invalidating the relationship, saying it was infatuation or delusion, but that only makes it hurt more, makes me feel like a fool for giving 100% of myself to it. The challenge is to remember that the things people do, even the ones I have come to care deeply about, are never about me. That what Michelle has chosen to do with her life does not reflect in any way, negatively or positively, on my character. I find myself wanting to forget she ever existed, just move on, dating people I meet through my various avenues of human interaction as I did before I met her. But I still have to stop and cry from time to time. And I know after what I did to Nikki - dating her when I wasn't ready to give myself to anyone - that I cannot hold back from experiencing the full blow of my emotions, lest the pain spread itself out over months or even years.

I think being in love has burned away with so many beautiful women in my life, some of them what is left is love, some of them there is nothing left. I have loved too many women. But perhaps if I was able to love Michelle with all my heart, I will be able to love someone else with all my heart, too. Perhaps that's why she crossed my path, to teach me this. By loving her with all I had, I did right by her. That means I can still do right even after so many miserable failures. Perhaps you can do everything right and still end up alone? Alone.

I would like nothing more than to never have to talk about getting over someone ever again. If it meant that I was never able to write a song ever again, then I would gladly renounce my musical talents. I like peace and predictability. I like having things I can count on. I am far more conservative with the way I live my life than I may appear to be. I am truly a train-wreck who dreams of being a dull and boring person.

What a contradiction I am! Here I dream of being famous and I also dream of being a square! I truly desire the impossible. Perhaps I am not meant for this world? I think I'll poor myself a few shots of Scotch this afternoon to quiet the confusion...