These journal entries have become my venting area for the myriad of emotions I'm going through. Hope you don't mind. If you do... too bad.
Stolen By Serious practiced again last night and it was tough. I'm having a hard time with the new song and with hearing myself sing. There are groove problems in the current arrangement. I can't hear myself singing well enough right now... Stuff like that.
I still wonder about Michelle. All I really want to do right now is talk to her. I hate having disarray amongst people in my life, especially the ones I like. We are incomplete right now. I still find her long, red hairs all over my room, like little love note that remind me of her.
I wouldn't have let Maria come over yesterday if it weren't for Michelle and I breaking up. Maria has the effect of wrapping me up in her challenges. It takes my mind off of my own life, which I think I need. But... I wonder if Maria's problems are where my mind should be. Scratch that. I don't wonder, I know. Alas, I'm uninterested in work, so I'll take whatever locks my attention.
It was nice to spend some time with Maria, but she's so difficult right now. Very impatient, very self-absorbed, very low self-esteem, caught up in the superficial things, can't stand to be alone, yada, yada, yada. It breaks my heart to see.
She used to eat freshly squeezed orange juice and eat toast with me, drink Nestle Qwick in bed in the mornings and have conversations with me about freedom of speech versus freedom to intimidate, etc. They would get passionate. She wore her glasses and snuggled with me while we watched movies on her futon.
Now she has breast implants and fake nails, wears almost too much make-up and has wild, layered, highlighted hair, flashy clothes, goes out and gets drunk, sleeps with strangers sometimes, knows its wrong, knows it's not who she is, knows its not her, but persists in the lifestyle.
Her and I will not be totally squared away until she loves and respects herself. But it's extremely painful to watch her go through this phase of her life. I feel sorry for her. All she wants me to do is listen to her, make her laugh and cook for her. You can imagine that I feel underused doing only such things but perhaps that's exactly what she needs. I may be able to see where her life is going, but I cannot know what my place in it is. I can only trust that what she asks of me is what I am to provide. Those things do not demand much from me. I did a similar favor for Kelly years ago when we first met. I guess in all honesty, I am significantly more emotionally invested in Maria than I was in Kelly. Sometimes I wish I never met Maria. Some unbreakable bonds can drag us through the mud, you know?
But in the end, as she got in her new, silver VW Jetta and drove away, I could only think of Michelle driving away in her purple Saturn. As the day progressed, I just wanted to pick up Michelle and take her to the Mill City Museum with me, or go for a walk anywhere... Just to be with her. Being with her made me feel happier and more relaxed than with anyone else.
She must have smiled at me many times out of obligation rather than affection before she broke things off. Must have called me because she felt like she couldn't keep blowing me off rather than out of a desire to see me. Things like that hurt the most, you know?
Bono, one of my heros, once said, "You can hold onto something so tightly you've already lost it."
Thanks to everyone who has sent supportive emails to me. I love you guys.
Stolen By Serious practiced again last night and it was tough. I'm having a hard time with the new song and with hearing myself sing. There are groove problems in the current arrangement. I can't hear myself singing well enough right now... Stuff like that.
I still wonder about Michelle. All I really want to do right now is talk to her. I hate having disarray amongst people in my life, especially the ones I like. We are incomplete right now. I still find her long, red hairs all over my room, like little love note that remind me of her.
I wouldn't have let Maria come over yesterday if it weren't for Michelle and I breaking up. Maria has the effect of wrapping me up in her challenges. It takes my mind off of my own life, which I think I need. But... I wonder if Maria's problems are where my mind should be. Scratch that. I don't wonder, I know. Alas, I'm uninterested in work, so I'll take whatever locks my attention.
It was nice to spend some time with Maria, but she's so difficult right now. Very impatient, very self-absorbed, very low self-esteem, caught up in the superficial things, can't stand to be alone, yada, yada, yada. It breaks my heart to see.
She used to eat freshly squeezed orange juice and eat toast with me, drink Nestle Qwick in bed in the mornings and have conversations with me about freedom of speech versus freedom to intimidate, etc. They would get passionate. She wore her glasses and snuggled with me while we watched movies on her futon.
Now she has breast implants and fake nails, wears almost too much make-up and has wild, layered, highlighted hair, flashy clothes, goes out and gets drunk, sleeps with strangers sometimes, knows its wrong, knows it's not who she is, knows its not her, but persists in the lifestyle.
Her and I will not be totally squared away until she loves and respects herself. But it's extremely painful to watch her go through this phase of her life. I feel sorry for her. All she wants me to do is listen to her, make her laugh and cook for her. You can imagine that I feel underused doing only such things but perhaps that's exactly what she needs. I may be able to see where her life is going, but I cannot know what my place in it is. I can only trust that what she asks of me is what I am to provide. Those things do not demand much from me. I did a similar favor for Kelly years ago when we first met. I guess in all honesty, I am significantly more emotionally invested in Maria than I was in Kelly. Sometimes I wish I never met Maria. Some unbreakable bonds can drag us through the mud, you know?
But in the end, as she got in her new, silver VW Jetta and drove away, I could only think of Michelle driving away in her purple Saturn. As the day progressed, I just wanted to pick up Michelle and take her to the Mill City Museum with me, or go for a walk anywhere... Just to be with her. Being with her made me feel happier and more relaxed than with anyone else.
She must have smiled at me many times out of obligation rather than affection before she broke things off. Must have called me because she felt like she couldn't keep blowing me off rather than out of a desire to see me. Things like that hurt the most, you know?
Bono, one of my heros, once said, "You can hold onto something so tightly you've already lost it."
Thanks to everyone who has sent supportive emails to me. I love you guys.
I'm keen on giving out the cliches. Sometimes they just seem right though, you know?
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm not much of a relationship person so I guess I dont really know. But still, it doesnt seem like a fun thing. You will be okay though, things always happen for a reason. I am a strong believer in fate.
I do have dreams of falling and flying sometimes. Mostly falling, but I wake up right before I hit the ground. But I do love the feeling right before I wake up, the air rushing past, the fact that I know my fate....it's a dream that I wish I had more often.