Much has changed since the last entry.
On the good news, Dan and George and I are putting together our first song as a full band (as opposed to coving Matthew Delfino). The results are very pleasing. We are really following the 70's stadium rock sound. There's a lot of Zeppelin in this new one called "Your Mark." The song is about the failures of commitment, the shortfalls of monogamy and marriage in our society. We had a fabulous practice and are working hard to get a Turf Club gig.
Ironically, the shortfalls of commitment make for a nice segue into this next paragraph. And now for the very, very bad news...
Michelle came over late last night because something was bothering her and she wanted to talk to me in person. She came down to my studio in the basement so we could get some privacy (Tatiana and R.J. were both home).
She started crying and told me that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship because things were too confusing for her right now. She doesn't know what career she wants, where her life is going, her major at college has her perturbed, she hates marketing. When she's in a serious relationship she feels like she has to change who she is and, not knowing who she is, its nearly impossible to do, not to mention it's unhealthy.
I asked her why she was so upset and she said it was because she didn't want to hurt me. She was adamant about it not being because of me, that I was wonderful, that it was all her, etc.
How many of us have been dumped in tandem with those words? I think it's sweet that she wants me to keep from being hurt. I know that I've wanted to break up with people I don't want to be with, but who I care about very much. I try to find things to say to make them feel better about it, but in the end, it's because I'm not in love. And so I asked Michelle if she feels like she's in love with me.
She told me that her feelings had changed. She was more in love with the idea of being with me. So that's all I needed to know. Nothing else really matters.
I have been through the Paths of the Dumped many times before. I have analyzed the reasons I've been given before. I've tried to take the sympathy I feel for my late partner and turn it into support for them, until they return to my arms, realizing it was me all along that they wanted and that everything is OK now. I am wise enough to know that these things never happen. They are nothing more than the fallacious byproduct of a fool's optimism.
I have more exes than I care to admit and I don't want any more. Michelle came into my life and helped me be strong and happy when I was overwhelmed and sad. When I lost my job she was there for me to be with me. She brought people to my concerts and made me feel sexier and more talented than I've ever felt. I cannot question the circumstances that have lead to our parting, only appreciate the things that brought us together for the time I had with her.
I am not going to put energy into getting Michelle back. She has chosen to be alone, I'll let her be alone. But another thing I am too wise for... Michelle is very beautiful. There are many men who will be happy to hear that we've parted and that she's now available. They will come with their charm and adoration and will do their best to offer her an attractive place with them. She will not be single long and it will break my heart to see her in a new relationship when it happens.
I told her that if she is in a new relationship within three or four weeks of today, that I will cut her out of my life and never speak to her again. I don't say that as punishment. It's more like self preservation. I have seen Manuela, Renee and Maria all jump right in with another guy after I was disposed of. It's the worst feeling in the world and I'll be damned if I put myself through it again.
Oh, I don't know how I'm going to weather trying to be her friend after all this. I don't see her that way. And I'm feeling a bit ashamed to show my face at Uncommon Grounds as the guy that Michelle dumped. I would probably just mope around and I don't want to do that.
It all happened so fast. I had a feeling about it for the last couple weeks, but I thought it was just my insecurities. It seems that love is either a wonderful illusion that always bursts, or it is an awful tether filled with compromises, entrapment and self-imposed limitations. I thought Michelle was going to be different. It didn't really hit me until this morning when I awoke, as if from a nightmare, without that feeling of relief, "Oh, it was just a dream." Michelle won't be spending the night with me anymore.
On the good news, Dan and George and I are putting together our first song as a full band (as opposed to coving Matthew Delfino). The results are very pleasing. We are really following the 70's stadium rock sound. There's a lot of Zeppelin in this new one called "Your Mark." The song is about the failures of commitment, the shortfalls of monogamy and marriage in our society. We had a fabulous practice and are working hard to get a Turf Club gig.
Ironically, the shortfalls of commitment make for a nice segue into this next paragraph. And now for the very, very bad news...
Michelle came over late last night because something was bothering her and she wanted to talk to me in person. She came down to my studio in the basement so we could get some privacy (Tatiana and R.J. were both home).
She started crying and told me that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship because things were too confusing for her right now. She doesn't know what career she wants, where her life is going, her major at college has her perturbed, she hates marketing. When she's in a serious relationship she feels like she has to change who she is and, not knowing who she is, its nearly impossible to do, not to mention it's unhealthy.
I asked her why she was so upset and she said it was because she didn't want to hurt me. She was adamant about it not being because of me, that I was wonderful, that it was all her, etc.
How many of us have been dumped in tandem with those words? I think it's sweet that she wants me to keep from being hurt. I know that I've wanted to break up with people I don't want to be with, but who I care about very much. I try to find things to say to make them feel better about it, but in the end, it's because I'm not in love. And so I asked Michelle if she feels like she's in love with me.
She told me that her feelings had changed. She was more in love with the idea of being with me. So that's all I needed to know. Nothing else really matters.
I have been through the Paths of the Dumped many times before. I have analyzed the reasons I've been given before. I've tried to take the sympathy I feel for my late partner and turn it into support for them, until they return to my arms, realizing it was me all along that they wanted and that everything is OK now. I am wise enough to know that these things never happen. They are nothing more than the fallacious byproduct of a fool's optimism.
I have more exes than I care to admit and I don't want any more. Michelle came into my life and helped me be strong and happy when I was overwhelmed and sad. When I lost my job she was there for me to be with me. She brought people to my concerts and made me feel sexier and more talented than I've ever felt. I cannot question the circumstances that have lead to our parting, only appreciate the things that brought us together for the time I had with her.
I am not going to put energy into getting Michelle back. She has chosen to be alone, I'll let her be alone. But another thing I am too wise for... Michelle is very beautiful. There are many men who will be happy to hear that we've parted and that she's now available. They will come with their charm and adoration and will do their best to offer her an attractive place with them. She will not be single long and it will break my heart to see her in a new relationship when it happens.
I told her that if she is in a new relationship within three or four weeks of today, that I will cut her out of my life and never speak to her again. I don't say that as punishment. It's more like self preservation. I have seen Manuela, Renee and Maria all jump right in with another guy after I was disposed of. It's the worst feeling in the world and I'll be damned if I put myself through it again.
Oh, I don't know how I'm going to weather trying to be her friend after all this. I don't see her that way. And I'm feeling a bit ashamed to show my face at Uncommon Grounds as the guy that Michelle dumped. I would probably just mope around and I don't want to do that.
It all happened so fast. I had a feeling about it for the last couple weeks, but I thought it was just my insecurities. It seems that love is either a wonderful illusion that always bursts, or it is an awful tether filled with compromises, entrapment and self-imposed limitations. I thought Michelle was going to be different. It didn't really hit me until this morning when I awoke, as if from a nightmare, without that feeling of relief, "Oh, it was just a dream." Michelle won't be spending the night with me anymore.
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[Edited on Sep 14, 2003]