sinn0cent

Well its almost over, I see less and less evidence of the child I did not even know I was carrying. I have been on what I thought was a extended period theses last few weeks....that happens to me some times. I will have a cycle that lasts over 3 weeks before though its rare. This time was different though. I don't know how I missed it. The Doc said yesterday that it was a miscarriage. I have tried to think threw this with a rational mind and with a subdued heart. It was not like I knew that I was pregnant or that I was planning on it. It was not as if i knew that the child was there or that I was picking out names and baby cloths. Its not as if i had spent weeks or months dreaming up what to call it or what it would look like at ages 5, or 25. I am monetarily better off with only one child. and being that i will turn 30 soon the health risks are exponentially greater for both mother and child past that age. so with all of those solid arguments and facts do i still feel like weeping and pulling my hair out. Doc said since this has been going on for almost a month now i should have little to no pregnancy hormones left in me so that should not be affecting me. I just feel so lost. I have always wanted another child. But due to my infertility we where told that one was all we got. Now my husband is going to get a vasectomy so that this kind of thing never happens again....he even has his appt made. I just want to sob. I will never get to be a mother again. and it hurts so bad.


I know it is just my selfish nature showing. I have everything to be thankful about in the world. A loving wonderful (though sometimes dumbass) husband, a healthy, happy, brilliant child who will be 7 soon. I have a nice roof over my head, we all have enough to eat and drink. We have plenty to amuse us and keep our interests and we can help others from time to time..so why is it that I feel so damn shitty about not having another child. What is wrong with me that I want this soooo bad? I feel so ungrateful right now that I cant think about anything else now. It just blows me away that I am so fucking childish like this ..... "I want I want" bullshit ..... its just getting old.