sinemetu

i cant remember the last time i was in such a spiral..it seems my ex has moved on and i should be estatic considering the ridicoulsness of our lives spent together was far from healthy. but its just made me so blah. i drink way more then i should smoke too much and apparently eat too much too. i got on the scale and almost died. however i looked back at the last few months and realized it was stress and sheer immobility aka the broken wrist situation. im out of the cast and brace but is no where near the state it was in before. so yea i want out of this rabbit hole but how. whenever i drive home there is this same windy road with one tricky part; the weather has been wintery to say the least, i fishtail and everything just stops time everything and bc my reaction kicked in to grab the wheel i realized i didn't want to i wanted to crash into the stone wall. i didn't but vie never felt like i had so much control of that moment. i wish life would slow down and i could make that decision. to move forward let go of the crutches and get my shit together..but i feel useless being 26 with no sort of companion..i know that sounds ridicules but thats me..i want to make plans and buy tickets for vacation aka bonnaroo but i don't want to be alone. i hate feeling alone. vie been chillin with one of the girls from work and her group of friends. we always end up crashing there a bunch of us in her bed and i feel so much better huddled with people just being around energy. the older i get the harder it seems to be to make good friends. there r drinking buddies and fake girls but never that friend from when you were younger that was always there. i lost my friends when i was 14 and never was able to rebuild that same send of friendship. i think im broken. its sad. i know there has to be someone in a worse off position then me but i still hate it.